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Mary Worth, 6/8/16

Pretty cool to know that Harlan has given a lot of thought to the dynamic of the little two-dog pack he has going on over at his sad little apartment! One question, though: if Harlan’s the alpha dog, why’d he name the other dog Alfie? Seems unnecessarily confusing. And if he’d named it “Beta-y”, he could just claim he was inspired by beloved St. Louis Hawks star Zelmo Beaty.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/8/16

Wait, why is Snuffy debating the sheriff? Is he running for sheriff? While I wouldn’t put it past Snuffy to try to take control of local law enforcement and declare all crime legal, that would be a lot more democracy than we’d ever seen in Hootin’ Holler. More likely this “town hall debate” is an pretext for the gathered residents to violently eject from the Holler the only representative of the distant, hated government. Presumably the arguing will be over whether the sheriff should be allowed to flee after being roughed up a bit, or if his body should simply be dumped just over the county line.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 6/8/16

St. Bernards traditionally carry liquor in their little casks, and hipster small-batch liquor is definitely a thing, so it saddens me that this joke is about bubbly water. C’mon, Mother Goose and Grimm, booze jokes are OK in the comics again! Thirsty Thurston’s back to being an obvious drunk! Go nuts!

Beetle Bailey, 6/8/16

So Beetle’s shorts came off but his hat didn’t? A likely story. That isn’t even his usual hat. And look at his exaggerated sweating as he pleads his case! I recognize consensual public nudity-based humiliation play when I see it.

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Crock, 6/3/16

Haha, it’s funny because the patrolmen are dying horribly in flames, miles away from help or rescue or even water! As the fire burns away everything that makes them human, their commanding officers coldly refer to them as “objects.”

Beetle Bailey, 6/3/16

Like many military operations, this started as an attempt to remove something with precision and skill and has now devolved into a test of strength in which someone is probably going to lose a limb.

Crankshaft and Funky Winkerbean, 6/3/16

Welp, I guess Jeff wasn’t being fired by his therapist earlier this week; he was being told to go back to his childhood home, to get “closure” or whatever, and also just start pulling up the floorboards of his old attic, despite the distinct lack of enthusiasm displayed by the house’s current resident. Meanwhile, in the future, we’re discovering how this actually ties in with his mother’s death: he’s using the decoder ring he’s found to translate a message from his mother, who is in outer space, which is apparently where hell is.

Mary Worth, 6/3/16

Looks like all the girls who were being super mean to Dawn because they thought she was sleeping with her professor are pals with her again because she’s deigned to spend time with them in between dropping Harlan’s name every other sentence, because that’s how human beings work! I am very much assuming that this upcoming showing of X-Men: Apocalypse that Dawn is being lured to will go pretty much like the prom scene in Carrie, except without the revenge via psychic powers.

Hi and Lois, 6/3/16

“Maybe I’m just not very good at school?”

Pluggers, 6/3/16

You’re a plugger if your grandchildren dislike you and flee from your presence the moment you’re distracted.

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Beetle Bailey, 6/2/16

I guess the point of the first panel is that it Beetle needs to get this aphorism from somewhere outside himself, because otherwise why hasn’t he been putting it to use in his own life before? But where could he have heard it, I wonder? If anyone involved in the creation of Beetle Bailey had ever used a computer, maybe Beetle would be browsing a Facebook group called Extremely Insipid Memes That Are Affiliated With A Radio Station For Reasons That Are Not Entirely Clear, but as it is, we’ve just got to go with the next-best idea: he got it from a four-page pamphlet with nothing on the cover. Makes sense!

Judge Parker, 6/2/16

Haha, yes, Abbey, your daughter’s dream of rock stardom are silly and should be quickly discarded! Now let’s continue helping your husband put endless identical law books that he’ll never look at up on the shelf of his new pretend office that still reeks of horse shit.

Dennis the Menace, 6/2/16

The Mitchells are a typical American family, and today’s Dennis the Menace offers a glimpse at what’s inside the typical American refrigerator: glass bottles of various sizes containing orange liquid, a carton of eggs (?), and an entire uncovered bone-in ham.