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Gil Thorp, 2/23/15

So this Gil Thorp storyline is focused on fake (?) Adderall dealing now, but I still pine for a simpler time, when it mostly about Max Bacon™ colluding with Marty Moon to improve his #brand. It’s nice to see Marty is up for promoting Max via dumb bacon-themed catchphrases; once the Adderall scandal comes out, Marty will presumably face as many consequences for hyping this artificially hyped-up teen as the national sports press did for fawning over the steroid-driven Major League Baseball home run races of the late ’90s and early ’00s, which is to say none.

Beetle Bailey, 2/23/15

Look, everyone who whines that Beetle Bailey is outdated and out-of-touch: here it is featuring a new, hip, up-to-the-moment thing! I’m talking about erotic nose fondling, of course, which is an innovative new sex act being performed in Brooklyn’s hippest neighborhoods right now. Everyone will be doing it in a year or so. Selfie sticks are soooo last month.

Hi and Lois, 2/23/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Lois can’t feel joy anymore! Hi and Lois undermines its ostensible nature as a family-friendly strip by letting its readers in on a dirty little secret about families: families are terrible.

Mary Worth, 2/23/15

Ooh, so what is Amy’s big news that merits an ?-worthy invasion of Hanna’s personal space? She didn’t get married too, that’s too obvious. I’m guessing that she’s going to tell her mother that little Gordon doesn’t need to be babysat anymore, becuase she’s started dressing him like a tiny adult! Nothing says “I’m a big boy who can take of myself!” like electric blue sansabelt slacks and a matching jacket over a golf shirt.

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Beetle Bailey, 1/17/15

Hey, it’s my favorite Beetle Bailey running gag, The Halftracks Hate Each Other With An Awful Intensity That Makes The Lockhorns Look Like A Nicholas Sparks Novel! Like many awful things in the comics, I originally “liked” this ironically but have come over the years to respect its terrible purity. Anyway, today General Halftrack tells the woman he’s been married to for decades that he has very little idea how to love a woman, but he’s quite sure that women are incapable of loving him or anyone else back.

Family Circus, 1/17/15

BuzzFeed, like all other secular entertainment, is forbidden within the walls of the Keane Kompound, and so Billy has been forced to cobble his own version together from available materials.

Pluggers, 1/17/15

Say what you will about pluggers, but they can promise you this: they will never, ever subject you to the sight of their nipples on national television.

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Mark Trail, 11/29/14

“If only this person with political/economic power could see how beautiful this natural area is, surely they wouldn’t despoil it!” is a common Mark Trail trope, and is obviously completely realistic: why wouldn’t the chief executive of a possibly publicly traded corporation write off a multimillion dollar land investment when they discover that nature is pretty? It’s possible, though, that Mark has something more sinister in mind. Doesn’t his smile in panel two seem a bit cruel? Remember, a couple of weeks ago Mark went swimming and encountered a bull shark … a “monster”, you might say. Mark is going to lure this sinister environment-destroying CEO to a bloody, horrible shark-death, is what I’m trying to get at. He’ll listen to the man’s dying screams, stare grimly down at the gore in the water, then call his masters at the Earth Liberation Front. “The shark ate him!” he’ll say.

Beetle Bailey, 11/29/14

Yes, at last, General Halftrack admits the troops under his control are completely outside the U.S. military command structure! Can we please get his treason trial underway now?

Mary Worth, 11/29/14

HEY SEAN SHE’S THINKIN BOUT YOUR HOT BOD JUST FYI