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Beetle Bailey, 2/1/14

Ha ha, isn’t this an enjoyable image? Two digestive systems, a man’s and a dog’s, growling with animal rage, and eventually bursting forth on their own terrible volition, blood and gore everywhere, grappling with each other, still connected to the man and the dog by a trail of steaming viscera. From the creators of the foulest Japanese horror manga? Or from one of America’s best-loved whimsical newspaper comics?

Better Half, 2/1/14

This one’s probably more disturbing, though? First off, nobody finds CPR erotic, despite it being an opportunity for meet-cute and/or gay panic in a thousand movies and TV shows. Second, you shouldn’t do CPR on a cat. Third, AUGH AUGH AUGH THE LIPS THE CAT’S LIPS GROOOOSSSSS

Blondie, 2/1/14

Ha ha, it’s funny because the Bumsteads’ finances are in the process of imploding, and Blondie does not want to know about it.

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Beetle Bailey, 12/8/13

Well I for one am relieved to read Cpl. Yo’s line in the final panel of today’s Beetle Bailey. Turns out Sarge isn’t an omnipotent weather-deity after all! That would’ve really thrown everything I believe about the universe into chaos and confusion. No, he’s just a guy with access to an unusually precise weather report.

Family Circus, 12/8/13

Speaking of omnipotence, Billy seems to think of God not so much as the all-knowing, all-powerful spirit being who created time and space, but rather as some guy who gets forgetful or distracted and has to write things down. He also appears to be on the verge of presenting God with a list of demands. Maybe he’s mixing up Our Heavenly Father with Santa Claus? Ma Keane perhaps should look a little less smug, considering the quality of religious education her son seems to have received thus far.

Better Half, 12/8/13

Today in the Better Half: Stanley’s body is crapping out on him, which he appropriate brings up with a joke about a song that’s more than 40 years old; Stanley hates his own mind so much that he’s willing to try anything to numb the pain, including an amateur self-inflicted lobotomy; Harriet’s friend has acquired a sex-robot; and Harriet and Stanley appear to have a daughter who’s never appeared in the strip before. The last of these episodes is by far the most unsettling to me.

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Crankshaft, 12/6/13

For literally years, since most recent Funkyverse time-jump, we’ve been granted occasional glimpses of this slumped-over, wheelchair-bound, oxygen-tanked, apparently vegetative old man in a Toledo Mud Hens cap, and it’s been heavily implied, but never stated outright, that this is post-time-jump Crankshaft, as he’ll look in the ten-years-forward Funky Winkerbean half of the universe’s fractured chronology. Except today the two men actually have encountered each other, so … that’s not actually the case at all? Or maybe this horribly depressing death-house sits on some kind of time-tunneling wormhole, and Crankshaft is now being treated to a vision of the awful future that awaits him. It’s like A Christmas Carol, only without any structure or meaning or lessons learned! God, I wish this were all more interesting, given the amount of time I’ve spent thinking about it.

Beetle Bailey, 12/6/13

Ha ha, this is a confusing nightmare-tangle of horrible metaphors or perhaps reality! “Cookie, you’re making garbage for dinner! Or, maybe, your dinner just tastes like garbage, for all of us, every night? I don’t even know what I’m trying to get across here! Anyway, mealtimes are a hellish pukescape for everybody involved.”