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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/20/24

Oh no! In this rustic retelling of Jack and the Beanstalk, Jughaid traded Ol’ Bessie for a handful of beans. The beanstalks grew to the sky in the traditional manner, but there were no gold coins, eggs, or magic harps on offer up there. Deprived of essential amino acids from Bessie’s milk, the Smifs will now die, and Barney Google will at last reclaim his strip.

Hi and Lois, 9/20/24

Chip Flagston, like Alexander Bumstead, is an anti-Dustin, attracting pretty girls without the slightest effort. But in a strip with 1950’s-era family structure, work environment, social mores, and frankly jokes, how does anything here really qualify as “retro”?

Beetle Bailey, 9/20/24

In an vulnerable moment, Sgt. Orville Snorkle is at last ready to let the sun shine into the black pit of shame and anguish that drove him to a half century of verbal abuse, savage beatings, and arbitrary punishment of his subordinate. Beetle is having none of it: this may not be the life he chose, but it’s the one he’s got and he’s not going to change it now. “Things are just fine, Sarge, do you hear me? Fine!

Judge Parker, 9/20/24

Ronnie, you’re the sensible, grounded one, remember? And yet here you are confiding in Neddy Spencer about a self-centered emotionally needy person who is not Neddy Spencer? Sure, you can always talk to her, but God help you trying to get her to listen.

Marvin, 9/20/24

Marvin‘s Jeff Miller gamely steps into Ed Crankshaft’s role now that Ed’s strip is off fighting 1950’s-era censorship or something. Got to admire how deftly he blends Crankshaft‘s negligent arson into Marvin‘s central theme, filth.

Just a reminder that there’s no Comment of the Week on my watch, so 2+2=7’s comment will ride up there for another week or until the math checks out, whichever comes first.

—Uncle Lumpy

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Arctic Circle, 9/18/24

This strip has been fixated on environmental catastrophe so long it’s jarring to see it suddenly switch gears. Or has it? After all, Oscar, Ed, and Gordo are still standing on their metaphorical corner of the Internet wearing sandwich boards announcing “The End Is Near.” Climate, AI: Tomato, Tomahto. It’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure where every path leads to extinction.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/18/24

Hey, Parson, them thar antydepressicant pharmysooticals shore will make the news go down easier!

Mark Trail, 9/18/24

Mark is searching for “Vampire in Malibu” director Wesley Wingit, reputedly holed up in this house full of lions. Very talented lions. They can open a chest freezer; unwrap, thaw, and microwave their meals; and presumably use the litter box, most likely a repurposed swimming pool. If Wesley doesn’t show up, they can probably also direct his next movie, produced by MGM of course.

Judge Parker, 9/18/24

Pity poor Ronnie. To escape her wretched marriage to self-absorbed twit Kat who looks exactly like Neddy, she submits to a doomed roadtrip with self-absorbed twit Neddy who looks exactly like Neddy because she is actually Neddy. In her troubled dreams, Ronnie careers through a mirrored funhouse with infinite Neddies screeching tornadoes of empty yak at her from every side, only to awake soaked in sweat to find yet another goddamn Neddy shaking her shoulder saying, “Hey, I’ve got an idea ….”

Beetle Bailey, 9/18/24

Pity Amos Halftrack. This is as intimate as he will ever be with a woman; this moment will define his life.

—Uncle Lumpy

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Six Chix, 9/17/24

An image search for “batman cat images” yielded mostly AI, fanart, and creepy photos of pets in Halloween costumes. So I’m guessing the doll here is really Catboy from the Disney Jr. series PJ Masks. That would put Tuesday Chick’s childhood no earlier than 2015, which seems a little too recent for nostalgia. Maybe closer to “recollection” but who knows? Kids these days!

Beetle Bailey, 9/17/24

There’s no joke here unless the captain gets sanctioned for colorful language.

Crankshaft, 9/17/24

Oh my goodness who could possibly have seen this coming? But what I really want to know is how many levels of irony it is when Les’s students read Fahrenheit 451 by the light of a burning bookstore. Or if that pumper is actually headed to Ed’s house to put out a grill fire.

Andy Capp, 9/17/24

The full text of Proverbs 19:4 (RSV2) is, “Wealth brings many new friends, but a poor man is deserted by his friend.” So Andy selflessly keeps his money to maintain a treasured friendship, and look at the thanks he gets!

—Uncle Lumpy