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Beetle Bailey, 11/23/19

Real Beetle Bailey-heads know that General Halftrack has a driver, and his name is Julius, although I don’t think he’s appeared in the strip in a while; the only place I can find him in my archives is here, in what appears to be a gay panic dream sequence from 2004. A mere gap of 15 years is of course nothing to the deep lore of Beetle Bailey continuity, though I suppose it’s possible that he was reassigned to a more important job as part of Pentagon budget cuts; still, I assume that mostly this joke is about how the folks Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC finally heard about Uber and could’t wait to use it as a punchline.

Blondie, 11/23/19

Speaking of hilarious tech punchlines: you guys heard about this bitcoin thing? It’s electronic moola! You could buy [tries desperately to think of a cool high-tech thing a kid would like] a … drone? … with bitcoins, that’s for sure! Helpful tip: if your joke hinges on something being a high-tech novelty, but that thing was already a punchline in Snuffy Smith four years ago, it is no longer particularly novel.

Crankshaft, 11/23/19

Here it is, Thanksgiving weekend, and the boys are “enjoying” some good old-fashioned football! Remember when Crazy Harry laid out the rules of happiness in the Funkyverse, which are that you can’t ever feel happy because if you do the universe will make you regret it? I thought about that watching Jeff clinging anxiously to that unopened bag of chips there. A normal person would open the chips and eat them to enjoy time with their family. But that sounds like fun, and fun is the one thing none of these sad sacks is allowed to have.

Mary Worth, 11/23/19

Ha ha, how cool and fun would it be if your friend set you up with someone, and then that person got really drunk before a date and made just a complete theatrical ass of himself, and when you told your friend about it, they were just like “Oh, wow, yeah, that definitely sounds in character for him, this person I suggested you become romantically involved with!” Would you stay friends with this person? Would you ever speak to them again?

Mark Trail, 11/23/19

BAD NEWS: Mark Trail and company have still not encountered even a single yeti.

GOOD NEWS: Mark Trail and company are fleeing from a landslide while wearing … snuggies? Let’s say snuggies. More on this development as events warrant.

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Mary Worth, 11/2/19

Oh, gosh, hey, I haven’t kept you updated on what Wilbur’s been up since he decided to have “just a little sip” of whisky to “take the edge off [his] nervousness” before his big double date with Estelle and Iris and Zak! Here’s what he’s gotten up to: he polished off that Macallan and replaced it with … what looks like … cough syrup? Let’s say cough syrup. Then he drank a lot of the cough syrup, for that “purple drank” buzz the kids love. My only worry about next week is that he’s so cartoonishly drunk that Estelle is going to refuse to go on the date with him, though I guess that if Zak and Iris are patiently waiting at the restaurant and Wilbur shows up 20 minutes late by himself and very, very blotto, it would be even funnier.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 11/2/19

I guess if you had asked me who the main non-Grimm character of Mother Goose and Grimm was, I’d say “Mother Goose,” obviously, it’s right there in the name, but if you asked me what her job was, I’d say, “…I’m not fully sure she has one?” But in fact it turns out that she’s that Mother Goose, and honestly this is a big surprise because you’d think she’d be a lot richer. Gender pay gap aside, her stuff is very popular, and in the MGGiverse she’s still alive so it isn’t in the public domain!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/2/19

REX [who is very much in the hospital right now]: Uh, no, I’m, uh, out on my boat. I mean: Dr. Morgan is it out on his boat. This Dr. Morgan’s voicemail. Please leave your message at the beep. [Rex makes a “BEEP” noise and then stops talking]

Beetle Bailey, 11/2/19

Ha ha, that kooky Beetle Bailey just dug a grave for himself! How’s your weekend going?

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Mark Trail, 10/4/19

I don’t exactly blame Mark for not being active on social media, what with it being a terrible nightmare cesspool that broke humanity’s collective brain, but as a guy who has a bit of a social media presence myself, I have a word of advice for Mark: you can’t just join Twitter and then immediately start tweeting about how you’ve got exclusive photos of the yeti, because nobody’s going to believe you! You should have spent years tweeting out links to your boring diatribes about lizards or whatever, in order to build up credibility.

Dennis the Menace, 10/4/19

I’m assuming that this young guy is a relatively new arrival in the neighborhood, and that upon meeting him Mr. Wilson was like “Oh, watch out for the Mitchells … they have too many kids” hoping that the guy would ask how many they have, but he instead he just changes the subject because that’s actually an incredibly weird and rude thing to say to a near-stranger and it made him uncomfortable to hear it, and probably Mr. Wilson repeated it several times and the guy just never bit, and now, finally, despite the new guy’s best efforts, they’ve bumped into each other by the Mitchells’ fence, and Mr. Wilson says, smugly, “There’s Dennis, the Mitchells’ only kid,” and finally the guy has had enough, and he sighs heavily then says this. You’re all with me here? That’s the only logical lead-in to this exchange, right?

Beetle Bailey, 10/4/19

“But he asked for it,” Spc. Gizmo yelled, being dragged from the courtroom after he was found guilty at his court martial for crimes against humanity. “He requested the procedure. He requested the procedure!”

Mary Worth, 10/4/19

Oh no, oh no, the Mary Worth creative team is aware of the concept of “Netflix and chill,” threat level alpha, repeat, threat level alpha