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Dennis the Menace, 9/7/19

“You know, a comic strip that stopped running eleven years ago! Which was way before I was born, since I’m supposed to be, like, what, six? Somehow this is an even more jarring misplaced cultural reference than the fact that I’m supposed to be into cowboys and shit.”

Blondie, 9/7/19

Hey guys, you heard about cell phones? You know, the ones the kids like to do texting on? Well, prepare to have your mind blown: they have little flashlights on them, which are useful! I know, right???

Beetle Bailey, 9/7/19

“It also killed all our commanding officers. We’re finally free!”

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Beetle Bailey, 9/5/19

I was about to say “Guys, you’re in the army” but … honestly, I can’t decide if that’s actually the joke or not? Like, literally one of the defining features of Beetle Bailey is that with many of their strips it’s hard to tell whether they’re making a sardonic commentary on the armed forces or militarism in general, or if they’ve literally forgotten the comic’s setting.

Blondie, 9/5/19

Ha ha, you guys heard about texting? Been pretty omnipresent for a solid decade or so? The teens love it, because they’ve never known a world without it? Texting! Pretty funny, huh????

Mary Worth, 9/5/19

“Maybe not for you, the person I want to be in a long-distance relationship, but … wait, I forgot where I was going with this.”

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Beetle Bailey, 8/20/19

Aside from the odd ear or tooth, Sarge and Cookie are the same — so pity Sarge. Every meal forces him to confront, as in a mirror, the shapeless wreck Army food has made of his body. He eats until the shame overwhelms him, then starves until his next cheating meal. The cookies Mrs. Bailey sends her son are his only joy, and those he must take by force. “It’s not hatred, Beetle,” he sobs mid-beating, “I’m just hungry!”

Dick Tracy, 8/20/19

Honestly, Dick, you’re a married man with two natural children; how is any of this a surprise to you? Who do you think you are, Mark Trail? Amos van Hoesen? Brad DeGroot? Sam Driver? Earl Houndstooth? Gunther Burger? Dr. Jeff Cory? Rex Morgan?

Judge Parker, 8/20/19

Not the best outfit for concealed carry there, April. Pretty sure 90% of guys are gonna be staring straight up that barrel.

Zits, 8/20/19

Jeremy, everybody knows you and Zumba got history Exactly what sort of sandwich did you have in mind?

— Uncle Lumpy