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Luann, 7/12/11

I’ve been reading Luann long enough to recognize that when there’s a nameplate sitting on a desk in the third panel with a name written in more or less legible Chicago font, it’s supposed to be meaningful; however, I haven’t been reading long enough to know who “Ann Eiffel” is. Quick, to the Luann Wikipedia page! Said Wikipedia page is of course ludicrously over-detailed and has already provided plenty of fodder for the Wikipedia-themed Tumblr I help run; however, I shouldn’t knock it, because it provided the crucial information that Ann is a sex predator of indeterminate romantic orientation, having been fired from her bookstore-management job because of her lustful obsession with Bernice and/or Zane (Zane being Bernice’s wheelchair-bound love interest, circa 2002). Combine that with the way she lingers over “appreciative” in panel two and I think we all know that we have Brad WeenieWorld Harass-O-Thon ’11 ahead of us, which I cannot even tell you how excited I am about it.

Opening discussion question for Brad WeenieWorld Harass-O-Thon ’11: Is it easier to sexually harass people at WeenieWorld than at other companies, because you could always plausibly claim that all your inappropriate weenie-themed remarks were in fact work related?

Blondie, 7/12/11

My favorite part about this cartoon is that Blondie is just hanging out inside, chattering on the phone, letting all the numerologically fixated lovebirds stew out in the heat. It’s even funnier because, seeing as Blondie and Tootsie are the only Blondie’s Catering employees, I’m assuming that they’re only going to be able to cater the wedding for the first couple in line.

Mark Trail, 7/12/11

See, this is what happens when you overuse bold in your word balloons: when Sheriff Whatshisface finally realizes that his son was the Moccasin Thief all along, the only way his hurt and betrayal can be properly expressed is through yellow lettering. Yellow: the color of paternal heartbreak.

Mary Worth, 7/12/11

At first I though Jeff was putting together a spreadsheet to prove with science and numbers that Mary should marry him. But in fact it appears that he’s long ago given up that hope, and now is only focused on how lucrative her meddling powers are.

Ziggy, 7/12/11

Oh, Ziggy, I think your goldfish is quite well aware of the mammalian nature of whales (or, as fish call them, “warm-blooded sea-frauds”). I think that evil grin is there because he fervently believes that the man-whale battle depicted in Moby Dick is just the opening salvo in an intra-mammal civil war that will allow the fish to pick up the pieces and rule supreme in the Neo-Devonian golden age.

Ballard Street, 7/12/11

I’m pretty sure this is the first time an actual puddle of urine has been depicted on the comics pages. I would have guessed that Marvin would the be perpetrator.

Beetle Bailey, 7/12/11

The easiest way to get me to stop making jokes about Beetle Bailey’s Beetle-and-Sarge-are-lovers subtext: turn it into Beetle-and-Sarge-are-lovers text. Boring!

6 Chix, 7/12/11

Meanwhile, in Six Chix, some lady is giving a genie a handjob.

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Gil Thorp, 4/2/11

That’s right, Gil’s priorities are pretty well known, and they generally involve being a smug, lazy, obstinate, and ineffective by turns. Thus, just to show up Mimi for implying he’s a goody-goody, he’s going to blatantly show favor to his star pitcher. Probably everyone’s going to be mad and there’d be a way to soothe that over, but, enh, it’d be hard, so whatever.

Blondie, 4/2/11

The “sale” being closed here, of course, is the sale of a new human victim to this monstrous mattress-beast, which has an insatiable hunger for human flesh.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/17/11

Lureen is extremely depressed, just crying and crying for no reason she or anyone else can name. Do you find that funny, Loweezy? Apparently you do! Apparently you find it hilarious, you monster.

Crankshaft, 3/17/11

Actually, ‘shaft, I think he understands the motivational power that the the terror of violence instills just fine! On the other hand, I’m a little a disappointed that you didn’t come up with some terrible pun while commenting on this awful scene of abuse.

Crock, 3/17/11

I’m pretty sure this is the first time that a summary execution has been even hinted at in the comics pages.

Blondie, 3/17/11

You probably think that this is the cheeriest cartoon out of this batch, but Mr. Dithers knows what a shillelagh is for and how to use it. Enjoy your St. Patrick’s Day, everybody!