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Funky Winkerbean, 3/29/20

One of my least favorite running Funky Winkerbean bits — amazingly, I do have a hierarchy — is jokes at the school that are set up by the teacher saying “Can anyone tell me [fairly obscure fact X]” in a way that really seems to strongly imply that the students have never encountered fact X in their curriculum, but he’s mad at them for not knowing the answer anyway, because it’s their fault they don’t know the name of, for instance, random Kuiper Belt objects off the top of their head. Anyway, did you know that this particular Kuiper Belt object isn’t even called Ultima Thule anymore? Science teacher dude whose name I forget hates kids, hates teaching, doesn’t keep up with his field of study, and probably should look into retiring as soon as possible, is what I’m saying.

Blondie, 3/29/20

Today’s Blondie is kind of interesting because it doesn’t really make sense if you don’t know that Dagwood lives in an impeccably manicured suburb where, anachronistically, people let their dogs roam free at night, but I’m more interested in the throwaway panels, where Dagwood identifies himself and his neighbor responds with an excruciatingly neutral “Yes”, implying that she knows exactly who he is and has some opinions about him that she is not eager to share.

Six Chix, 3/29/20

oh no the cartoons are getting horny and no one will help them

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Blondie, 3/24/20

When the creators of a long-running legacy comic learn about the existence of some cultural artifact or practice popular among people under 45, and feel obliged to wedge it into their work but are unable to hide the fact that it makes them feel like a weird alien who can no longer recognize their own society — that’s some of my favorite shit, man. I live for it. Anyway, what this strip really should make us realize is that, while Dagwood is usually depicted as playing a lot of Facebook games, a beloved old-person activity, in real life he would absolutely have an Instagram that he updates constantly with pictures of food, right?

Mark Trail, 3/24/20

Oh, ha ha, so, it turns out the cruel blond tween is actually the (presumably biological?) son of the Crowleys! It’s going to be a real treat for Kevin to move from a tenuous position as an orphan to a tenuous position as an adopted child with a new brother who fiercely resents him while his new parents smile obliviously.

Mary Worth, 3/24/20

Ha ha, damn, just one stupid Star Wars parody film and Dawn is head over heels! Hugo had to paint a whole goddamn house!

Dennis the Menace, 3/24/20

I guess this is supposed to be another panel in the “ha ha, Dennis is extremely stupid” category, but what actually comes across is that what we think of as “meat” has made out of something other than animals for years and somehow Joey and Dennis are in on the conspiracy, that that’s frankly terrifying.

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Blondie, 3/21/20

We’ve all had our dark suspicions about Elmo’s home life, and why he spends so much time at the Bumsteads’ house. Today things hit rock bottom in Elmo’s family, and I for one am glad we were spared the spectacle of his mother drunkenly telling him to get out of the house with the rest of the garbage.

Mark Trail, 3/21/20

Oh, wow, who knew this trip was going to be a grim game show where one! … lucky! … orphan! … gets a FAMILY!!! Do you think the kids know? Probably not, because otherwise blondie here would be on better behavior! Ha ha, enjoy your gruel back at the orphanage, bully! Readers of Woods and Wildlife will be enjoying your tale as a moral cautionary example once Mark’s story drops!

Crankshaft, 3/21/20

Say what you will about the Funkyverse, but at least everyone in it is fully aware of how insufferable they all are. Well, I guess it’s more accurate to say that everyone is aware of how insufferable everyone else is, but not aware of their own particular brand of insufferability. In that sense it truly is a No Exit-style existentialist hell.