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Blondie, 3/21/20

We’ve all had our dark suspicions about Elmo’s home life, and why he spends so much time at the Bumsteads’ house. Today things hit rock bottom in Elmo’s family, and I for one am glad we were spared the spectacle of his mother drunkenly telling him to get out of the house with the rest of the garbage.

Mark Trail, 3/21/20

Oh, wow, who knew this trip was going to be a grim game show where one! … lucky! … orphan! … gets a FAMILY!!! Do you think the kids know? Probably not, because otherwise blondie here would be on better behavior! Ha ha, enjoy your gruel back at the orphanage, bully! Readers of Woods and Wildlife will be enjoying your tale as a moral cautionary example once Mark’s story drops!

Crankshaft, 3/21/20

Say what you will about the Funkyverse, but at least everyone in it is fully aware of how insufferable they all are. Well, I guess it’s more accurate to say that everyone is aware of how insufferable everyone else is, but not aware of their own particular brand of insufferability. In that sense it truly is a No Exit-style existentialist hell.

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Dennis the Menace, 3/14/20

That’s right, Dennis! You aren’t part of a persecuted minority group, and will never have to worry about losing your ability to pursue your career in your homeland, leaving you to live much of your adult life in exile! Also, you’re very, very dumb.

Pluggers, 3/14/20

I know the chicken-lady plugger’s beak is usually yellow and this is just a coloring error, but I choose to believe that while she was going her mental list of cards to buy she did the math on how many more deaths than births there have been recently in her social circle and went white in the face while contemplating her own mortality.

Blondie, 3/14/20

Ha ha, it’s funny because … Dagwood is being recruited to play on a baseball team otherwise made up entirely of children? And they’re willing to accommodate his naptime? That’s the joke?

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Blondie, 3/6/20

This strip is, in its own way, heartbreaking to me. When Dagwood hears about this fellow’s food-themed brood of nephews and nieces, he doesn’t think, “Wow, my co-worker’s brother sounds like a kindred spirit! Maybe I should reach out to this guy on Facebook, and we could be friends, connected by our common interest in — nay, obsession with –food!” But no, all Dagwood does is imagine ways that he could imitate or rival this man, apparently forgetting that he’s already named his daughter “Cookie.” Anyway, his neglect of human connection explains why his ostensible “best friend” is some guy who happens to live next door, whose relationship with Dagwood is mostly defined by the two of them refusing to return tools they’ve borrowed from one another and who was last seen trying to kill Dagwood with his car.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/6/20

Ha ha, can you imagine dong a whole week of non-jokes where the “joke” is that you keep putting off the actual joke, which, when it arrives, is almost guaranteed to not be funny? I guess the reason for having the janitor in the foreground in every strip is to emphasize that this is all straight-up garbage.

Family Circus, 3/6/20

OUTDATED THEOLOGICAL CONUNDRUM: Why does a loving God let bad things happen to good people?

MODERN, UP-TO-DATE THEOLOGICAL CONUNDRUM: When Jesus told us to love our neighbors, did he not know that our neighbors fuckin’ suck?