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Funky Winkerbean, 8/11/19

Hey everyone, it’s State Fair time over in the Funkyverse! Here in the Funkypresent, a man in a striped shirt and cargo shorts has overheard someone bragging that as a child she didn’t play with toys specifically marketed to her gender, and folks: he has some concerns.

Crankshaft, 8/11/19

Meanwhile, back in the Funkypast, Jeff and Ed are referencing that classic line from Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused: “That’s what I love about these state fairs, man. Low margins and the high price of capital investment means the rides keep getting older, but new people keep getting born and becoming old enough to want to ride on ’em.

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Crankshaft, 6/8/19

So it turns out the big announcement Max and his girlfriend were teasing on Tuesday is that they were planning on incorporating their movie theater business. A smarter thing to do would probably be to register as an arts nonprofit, but never mind that for the moment, because they’re also going to have a baby, which makes the whole “we’ve got a big announcement!” switcharoo particularly weird and mean. Why not tell Pam something that’d make her happy? I dunno, probably because it’s the Funkyverse where nobody’s happy and nobody deserves to be happy!

Judge Parker, 6/8/19

OH SNAP

IT’S JUDGE-ON-JUDGE CRIME

YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS HONOR AMONG JUDGES? NOT WITH THIS JUDGE, BUDDY

Actually, I wonder which judge just put Judge Parker Emeritus behind bars? Please be Randy please be Randy please be Randy

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Dick Tracy, 6/4/19

Well, it turns out the reason Little Orphan Annie is returning to Dick Tracy is because Daddy Warbucks’s second wife gave some testimony in a criminal case years ago, but the cops lost it (?) and now they need to talk to her again, but she’s disappeared and Daddy Warbucks doesn’t want to talk about her! Today we learn that this is probably because … he murdered her? On a boat? And yeah, the authorities should have investigated, but really, “rich, politically connected guy kills his wife in international waters” just isn’t a high-reward prosecution, honestly, which is why we’re only bringing it up now that we have a gangster with a facial deformity and corresponding nickname we need to put away.

Crankshaft, 6/4/19

If you ever need evidence that the Funkyverse is where joy goes to die, you could just present panel one of today’s Crankshaft, in which Pam and Jeff brace themselves for what seems like it’s going to be a happy announcement from their son and his girlfriend in their own particular way, which for Pam is “staring wide-eyed in absolute panic” and for Jeff is “crossing arms defiantly and glowering with contempt.”

Funky Winkerbean, 6/4/19

Of course, if that’s too subtle, you could also just point out today’s Funky Winkerbean, in which a little boy threatens to vomit on his grandmother.