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Dennis the Menace, 5/28/17

If we’re going to cast Dennis as an Old Testament King, there are a lot of opportunities for menacing and I’m sad to see them being ignored. You know what makes you a true menace? When you see a naked lady on a roof and you get so horny for her that you seduce her and then when you get her pregnant you arrange to have her husband killed while he’s away fighting the war that you started, that’s what. We don’t even get to see him cut Mr. Wilson’s head off, for pete’s sake!

Crock, 5/28/17

In today’s Crock, an outpost of the brutal colonial regime is about to be overrun by freedom fighters, and so the French officers within need to destroy all their documentation, to erase evidence of their awful crimes against humanity.

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Crock, 3/25/17

Look, I get it. The scenario outlined here — one in which a developed nation makes the unfathomable decision to send children to serve as soldiers in an endless colonial war, to watch innocence vanish as these young people, who ought to be at school or under their parents’ tutelage, kill and die and become something broken — is utterly hilarious. So, why not make the same joke twice in four months? Thousands of people boisterously laughing at the image of freckle-faced 12-year-olds stumbling into an ambush and desperately bayoneting Algerian guerillas to survive can’t be wrong!

Hi and Lois, 3/25/17

How much do I love Lois’s sour face here? Lois doesn’t want to get to this party on time. Lois doesn’t want to get to this party, period. Lois has never wanted anything less in her entire life.

Beetle Bailey, 3/25/17

Wow, I didn’t think I’d have to add “necks” to the list of things that the staff of Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC occasionally forgets how to draw, but thanks to panel one, I guess I do!

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Mary Worth, 3/23/17

Ahhhhhh yes, when it comes to finding bargains online, Toby sure knows how to pick them! Like the time she couldn’t find some boring-ass documentary for Ian at the video store so she had the brainstorm of ordering it online from enormoushop.com but then she got phished and criminal Canadians misused her card, which had literally zero consequences for her, but she was wracked with anxiety that Ian would leave her for her e-commerce incompetence, but it turned out that he didn’t, even though he hadn’t been particularly impressed by the documentary in the first place. What I’m trying to say is that Toby and Mary are going to go down to the Santa Royale docks where the special “low-cost cruise” is supposed to dock, only to have their organs harvested by the Serbian mob.

Crock, 3/23/17

Little Otis: still hanging out with Wadsworth the vulture, I guess? Anyway, today they’re talking about going to the mall (a vulture mall???) so that the boy can start forming romantic/sexual attachments to female vultures. Normally I think that kids today are far too sheltered, but I’m beginning to think that Otis’s parents should be providing a little more supervision in his life.

Dennis the Menace, 3/23/17

Demonstrating that the pious, simple maxims we repeat to each other and our children aren’t really compatible with the messy complexity of the human experience: definitely one of the most menacing things you can do.