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Mary Worth, 2/6/12

Ooh, fancy Nola has fabulous apartments plural, something sure to send condo queen Mary into paroxysms of jealousy. “Why, when you tire of your view of the parking lot from Unit 51, you can cut across the courtyard to Unit 16, just in time to catch the sunset rays peeking over the top of the freeway sound barrier!” Mary has prepared the sort of meal you’d expect for such a fancy guest: a steaming layer of green glop that she’s shoveling out of a shoebox with a trowel. “Dear, would you like some butter on, uh, whatever the hell this is?”

Apartment 3-G, 2/6/12

I’d like to believe that the sudden and pointless brunettification of Nina is a result of ongoing tension between artist and writer over the strip’s direction, and that the latter recently received a memo from the former that read in its entirety “ANCILLARY CHARACTERS WILL NO LONGER INCLUDE WHORISH BLONDES.”

Funky Winkerbean, 2/6/12

Sometimes Funky Winkerbean readers ask themselves, “My God, is there anything that happens in this strip other than misery and death?” Well, sometimes there are terrible malapropisms, delivered by people whose facial expressions make them look like they just received a cancer diagnosis

Curtis, 2/6/12

“He’s not tech-savvy like us kids, who print out emails when we want to show them to someone!”

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Curtis, 1/3/12

I do need my Christmas-to-New-Year’s break from the site to recharge my comic-mocking jets, but it does always make me sad that I end up missing most of the Curtis Kwanzaa madness. For those not in the know, each Kwanzaatime (note to self: find out if “Kwanzaatime” is a word; if so, attempt to register kwanzaatime.com) the strip takes a break from its main characters to offer up a tale, generally set in a stylized pre-modern African locale, built around some kind of lesson. It also usually features hallucinatory madness, with bat-winged bears and giant telepathic otters and whatnot. This year’s story has been not quite that level of insane, though it has featured a protagonist so traumatically ugly that his features cannot be drawn, lest the newspaper comics readership be driven mad by the hideousness. Today it appears that we’re learning the tale’s moral: even if you are mind-warpingly ugly, people will like you if you’re rich.

Apartment 3-G, 1/3/12

Since I am now becoming as mired in nostalgia as the comics I mock, there’s nothing that thrills me more than when continuity strips bring back random minor ancillary characters from the past. Take Mim, for instance! She was Lu Ann’s teenage niece who showed up at the apartment one day after she got knocked up by some dude named Chuck and then Margo tried to sell the baby but it didn’t work and then she had the baby and that’s the last we saw of her, I’m pretty sure? Along the way we learned about Margo’s unreasoning hatred of the New York Public Library. Anyway, that was in 2005, because I’m super old, and so that baby is seven now and Mim is an adult and has shorter hair and probably has some nice comforting things to say to Lu Ann or whatever. I can’t wait!

Mark Trail, 1/3/12

The last Mark Trail adventure ended with Mark not only refusing to write about the hot story that led him (presumably on his employer’s dime) to the Canadian woods, but also erasing Kelly Welly’s camera so she couldn’t write about it either. Looks like Mark finally screwed Kelly — just not the way she wanted! Ha ha! See, because Kelly desperately wants to have sex with Mark, but he finds anything have to do with “those parts” “down there” confusing and scary.

Anyway, Mark’s line in panel two would be pretty high on the extensive list of Things Said By Characters In Mark Trail That Would Never, Ever Be Uttered By Actual Humans (Ranked In Order Of Improbability). Mark’s facial expression also strikes me as just a wee bit smug. “Tommy and his wife are struggling to scrape by on a dog-trainer’s salary in this ongoing, grinding recession! But don’t worry, honey, since I write for a print magazine aimed at outdoorspersons, we have all the money we need. I can even refuse to write articles if I want to protect the privacy of weird bear-domesticating hermit ladies!”

Crankshaft, 1/3/12

I really love the look of shock on and guilt on Pam’s face! I assume that it means that the family is in fact building a prison cell for their hated matriarch.

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The Wizard of Id, 10/13/11

B.C. creator and Wizard of Id collaborator Johnny Hart famously used his comics as a platform for his religious beliefs. Hart is no longer with us, but the tradition lives on, I guess, kinda? Here, the eponymous Wizard summons the Cacodaemon (κακος — “bad”, δαιμων — “demon”: way to go, creative team) for a little light housekeeping. Do you suppose he gets conflicted about clearing out the spider webs? Scrubs toilets as well as Knute? Works on Sundays? Theology is hard!

Funky Winkerbean, 10/13/11

Failed Book Guy gamely rings up his final sale, to the smug bore who drove away every last one of his other customers.

Judge Parker, 10/13/11

Ripped from the headlines: Fresh from a foiled attempt on his life, Saudi diplomat Bubu Chibale* tails Randy Parker. He must act soon — a few more of their “lucky breaks” and the infidel Parker-Driver-Spencer alliance will surpass his own Kingdom in wealth and power.

* Fun fact: “Bubu” and “Chibale” are in fact both Middle-Eastern male given names, but they’re Egyptian, not Arabic — and from the very first page of the baby-namer. Research, Judge Parker people!

Curtis, 10/13/11

Ha, Curtis sure looks annoyed about this flashback. Understandable, really — in his strip, “flashback” means yet another iron cycle of “embarrassed shopping for school clothes”, “resisting the first day of school”, “bullied by Derrick and ‘Onion'”, “Flyspeck Island hijinx”, “spurned by Michelle”, “stalked by Chutney”, on and on until at last Kwanzaa brings the sweet relief of madness, if only for a week.

Fundraiser update

Bible Bird Bands are starting to arrive in contributors’ mailboxes — and there’s still time to make a generous donation and get yours! When you do, don’t forget to send Josh a picture at bio@jfruh.com. Put yourself on the (updated) map:

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Mark Trail’s Greatest Hits – a Fall Fundraiser special, part 4

Mark Trail — 5/22, 11/14 – 15, 12/27/08, 3/30/09

That Mark Trail is one persuasive fellow.

— Uncle Lumpy