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Gil Thorp, 10/11/07

Oh my God, wait: Oregon? Too big to hide? Need I remind you what I found when I went Google image searching on “Culver Vale”?

“Gah, I’ve got to hide somewhere … I know, I’ll hide behind this Oregon flag! Wait, you can still see me … if only I weren’t so big … too big to hide…”

Comics are submitted to syndicates weeks in advance, so as much as I’d like to believe that the creators of Gil Thorp are stealing ideas from me in some sort of insane feedback loop, I know that’s not the case. But maybe they are generating their plots out of Google image searches and free association, in which case I say: kudos, sirs, kudos.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/11/07

This may well be the most esoteric TDIET ever, moving the strip away from its usual petty domestic gripes and towards a world-theory of aesthetic ethics. “E. Hennenfeld” is obviously a longtime observer of Portland’s fine arts scene, and is a fierce subscriber to the vision of art as a life-encompassing construct. How dare Pistachio offer a minimalist vision in his painting that isn’t reflected in his home? Is his home not as much an artifact — and thus a work of art in a true sense — as the canvases that hang in museums? By refusing to live his artistic philosophy, he reveals himself to be nothing but a hack and a fraud. It’s heady stuff, but hey, bitter waitresses and verbally abusive husbands aren’t the only people with gripes, OK?

Curtis, 10/11/07

I don’t mean to get in the way of a good hairy feet joke, but isn’t Michelle’s whole schtick that she’s snooty and rich? She gets driven around by a chauffeur, sneers at Curtis’s plebian pizza joints, etc., etc. Surely her mother could afford health insurance, yes? Also, doesn’t one usually check into rehab because one can’t stop taking the medication, not because of the medication’s unexpected side-effects? Also … aw, the heck with it. Ha ha! Hairy feet! I know what she’s been doing with those feet.

Pluggers, 10/11/07

Good lord, Rex Morgan is a plugger! I don’t think any of us were expecting that.

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Judge Parker, 9/30/07

Oh, man, water! The sinister plot being machinated by the sinister Mr. Caesar is all about control of the world’s water sources! Sure, you may be saying “This is even more boring than I thought it would be,” but I’m hoping that Mr. Caesar has in his employ a bevy of environmental scientists who have given him an inside track on the coming total collapse of the globe’s water supply. In just a few months, the world of Judge Parker will be reduced to a Mad Max-esque desert hellscape, with roaming bands of angry refugees battling over the precious remaining water and gasoline deposits — and Caesar, with his enormous water storage facility with all its pipes and tubes and such, will be the most powerful warlord of them all. Sam will be wishing he’d sold his shares then!

Fun fact: The Wall Street Journal is one of the few major newspapers whose Website is available only for subscribers. Which means that Sophie, wealthy meganerd that she is, is paying for access. At least she’s not paying some guy in India to read it for her.

Curtis, 9/30/07

I know the joke here is supposed to be that old standby “Curtis is irritating”, and surely he gets off on some unfortunate tangents, but his idea is actually fundamentally sound, and is almost certainly being put into effect by any number of tech-savvy churches with younger congregations. Certainly Rev. Caldwell could probably get a better sense of how to attract young people to his church by asking actual young people, rather than sending memos to the deacon board, which is no doubt dominated by social-climbing middle-aged types like Mrs. Dunlap.

To be fair, Curtis’s suggestions for video entertainment need to be taken with a grain of salt.

Blondie, 9/30/07

“Wanna hear something else funny? Now that you’ve broken your neck and are either dead or permanently paralyzed, I don’t have to return any of the tools I’ve borrowed from you!”

Family Circus, 9/30/07

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that Grandma is worried that Jeffy is retarded. What’s funny is that Jeffy apparently has the same concerns about Grandma.

Meanwhile, in Mary Worth, Dr. Jeff is getting into dangerous territory…

Panel from Mary Worth, 9/30/07

Don’t ask about “the bum boat special” unless you really want to know, Drew.

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Curtis, 9/29/07

I’ve perversely pleased that Curtis has chosen to take on a topic so very rarely tackled in the comics: that moment in a young man’s life when his raging hormones completely overwhelm his capacity to act in a socially appropriate fashion. In Curtis’ case, he’s taken to “watching” (just watching, sure) degrading reality quasiporn right before dinner time. It’s nothing to be proud of, but we’ve all been there, right fellas? (And probably the ladies too, though I’ll let them speak for themselves.) Anyway, part of every person’s self-pleasuring education involves learning the whens and wheres, and Curtis is quickly finding out that where should probably not be “in the bedroom that you share with your brother in what is probably a none-too-large apartment” and when should definitely not be “in the early evening, when your family is in the next room and could wander in at any moment.” Patience and cunning are required while you still live at home, Curtis. You don’t want to be too obvious about it in such close proximity to your mom, lest you enter Francis territory.

If “family matters” is my new favorite euphemism for sex, then “the ‘times’” is clearly my new favorite euphemism for puberty. And I do wonder if Curtis has finally gotten his hands on the fabled “syrup chapter.”

Gil Thorp, 9/30/07

The Mudlarks have started the season 0-2 behind quarterback Tony Casey’s consistently dismal play. Some might say that he just doesn’t have the talent, but I think he’s a bit distracted … distracted by left guard Howard Gourwitz and his wholesome, aw-shucks good looks! While Tony’s the quarterback, in the aftermath of Milford’s defeat it’s Howard who’s making passes. Tony might be disappointed to “forget the Bucket”, at least this week, but I’ll be he’s looking forward to finding out exactly what act of delightful perversity “empty your mom’s fridge” might be code for.

While this romantic drama is going on the foreground, I have to wonder about football player number three in the second panel, who can’t seem to get his helmet off. Did a particularly powerful hit jam it onto his skull so tightly that he’ll be forced to wear it around school indefinitely? Meanwhile, after the inevitable disorienting jump cut, we get the promise of more vandalism-based hijinks to come. Backwards black hat dude is a master of the school-rivalry prank; he’s had a long time to acquire that mastery, since he appears to be 35 or so.

Momma, 9/29/07

It probably shouldn’t come as a surprise that Momma plans to go out like a monarch from ancient Egypt or Sumer. When she dies, her faithful servants will kill and entomb her children with her in her enormous ziggurat so they can wait on her hand and foot in the afterlife. Good God, that smile on her sleeping face creeps the hell out of me.

Archie, 9/29/07

You can when you spend as much time huffing paint as you do, Archie!

Man, the nameless guy at the bottom center of the second panel is the saddest dude in the world. There’s someone who actually cares about his test scores and his academic future. Archie is just idly musing on his incipient dementia to pass the time until he sees something shiny.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/29/07

Yeah, and the younger one kind of looks like he’s on fire. That could explain the odor.

Pluggers, 9/29/07

A plugger’s erectile dysfunction is kind of besides the point, since the rest of his body is in such an advanced state of decay that attempting any kind of sexual encounter would be excruciatingly painful. Plus nobody really wants to have sex with him anyway.