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Judge Parker, 5/11/12

Whoops, Avery Blackstone isn’t some WASPy villain bringing danger and intrigue into our heroes’ lives! No, he’s going to inconvenience them, by bringing them money. People showing up unannounced to hand sizable checks to Judge Parker protagonists that they did nothing to earn are honestly one of the primary drivers of drama in this strip.

Dennis the Menace, 5/11/12

Mr. Wilson likes his nap time because that brief moment of obliteration of consciousness reminds him that someday he’ll finally enjoy death’s sweet embrace, and he enjoys Dennis’s because it reminds him that Dennis too will someday die.

Mark Trail, 5/11/12

Aw, now that Rusty knows that he’s been abandoned, again, he’s not even bothering trying to look halfway nonhideous anymore, but just going straight out with the “demonically possessed ventriloquist dummy” look, complete with hair stained red with the blood of his victims. Later, Mark goes and confers with an honest lawman whose job is to put people in prison if all the evidence is against them, unless they’re friends of Mark Trail, in which case he’ll just violate any and all confidentiality rules and spill his guts about everything!

Gasoline Alley, 5/11/12

Speaking of demons, what started out as a vaguely cute Gasoline Alley story about Slim and Clovia taking in a mischievous orphaned kitten has turned into a harrowing fable about good and evil and free will, with the cat being tormented by a sinister feline devil who is constantly forcing him to do awful things. Today, the cat begs to be absolved for the evil it’s done. But is the demon-cat a supernatural outside force, or just the representation of his own untrammeled id?

Marmaduke, 5/11/12

Speaking of demons, Marmaduke’s war against God isn’t going well.

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Dennis the Menace, 4/12/12

Yes, ha ha, Dennis tried to annoy Mr. Wilson while Mr. Wilson was going to the bathroom and Mrs. Wilson actually prevented this from happening for once. But wouldn’t it be a million times more awesome if Mr. Wilson had actually snapped and decided he was one of history’s more obscure kings (Louis XI of France, say, known to his people as “the Universal Spider”), had purchased a throne on eBay, and was currently sitting on it in his living room, barking out deranged orders to his nonexistent subjects? It would be a million times more menacing than anything Dennis had ever done, unless you count Dennis’ undoubted contribution to his insanity as the root menacing cause of the situation.

Luann, 4/12/12

In case you’re wondering, Luann has taken a break from its queasy-making storylines about teen sexuality in order to treat us to a queasy-making storyline in which Crystal tries to pee while Knute and Gunther stand right next to her stall and Gunther admires her shoes. (You may consider this to in fact be yet another queasy-making storyline about teen sexuality, but for reasons of my own mental health I am trying very hard not to do so.)

Mark Trail, 4/12/12

“Wait, no, that emphasis is kind of stilted, right? Let me try … ‘We are already here — surprise!’ Yeah, that sounds much more naturalistic. OK, mister, can you say your sentence again? Try to still act surprised when I yell surprise, it makes it more fun.”

Shoe, 4/12/12

“Ha ha, get it, because old people are old, like fossils are old? Old people? Ha ha? Seriously, though, I’m having lots of trouble pooping, so hand over the prune juice pronto.”

Ziggy, 4/12/12

The Home Shopping Network is a for-profit business whose margins depend on its operators taking customers’ payment information as efficiently as possible. They can’t afford to talk to sad, hairless gnome-men calling just because they’re lonely and need to hear another human being’s voice.

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/2/12

Let’s enjoy all the ways in which the dialogue in this strip serves to explain the plot and fails to mirror humans actually talk, shall we? “Why is Funky here?” may be the reader’s reaction to the strip’s title character’s sudden appearance, but that probably wouldn’t be the blunt, immediate response of Funky’s best friend’s teenage daughter (though we may give her some leeway due to general teenage sass and/or her justifiable disgust at Funky’s existence). Panel two is quite the doozy of exposition, though! One would of course assume that, having already packed her bags, Summer is well aware that she’s taking a class trip to Washington, D.C. And under normal circumstances one would also assume that she would have known for some time that her father and (future? did my mind maybe erase the elaborate Les-Cayla wedding, to protect me?) stepmother would be there making sure she wasn’t making out with random dudes in a secluded spot in the Jefferson Memorial or whatever. But maybe Les’s stratospheric self-regard led him to believe that his daughter would want to spend time with him on her trip, and thus this is supposed to be some special surprise for her? Les and Funky continue smirking smugly after Summer disabuses them of this notion, no doubt because they know from experience that the teenage years Summer is so eager to escape now will in retrospect be the least miserable time of her life. They know that in the Funkyverse the adulthood that Summer craves so much is really a long, bumpy road leading through pain to death. (The bumps in the road are tumors.)

Dennis the Menace, 4/2/12

Since Joey’s illiteracy is I believe fairly well established in this strip, it seems uncharacteristically menacing for Dennis to have read him what’s scrawled on his prank-sign. Joey’s uncontrollable weeping at the thought of his only friend moving away seems about right, though, as does his inability to grasp the concept of an April Fool’s Joke after repeated explanations.

Archie, 4/2/12

Ha ha, nice try, Archie, but Riverdale’s rigid class structure isn’t going to break down on Mr. Lodge’s watch!