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Crankshaft, 2/21/11

Last week’s big action in Crankshaft consisted of Rose, the ’Shaft’s son-in-law’s senile, unlikable mother, leaving the house out of spite after being told not to do so, and then falling on the ice, with no one around to help her. Apparently this week will be taken up entirely by Rose lying on the pavement, presumably terribly injured, cracking wise (or perhaps cracking senile dementia) as she slowly freezes to death. Crankshaft is, of course, the “light-hearted” Funkyverse strip, so grab your popcorn and get ready for a laugh riot of gradually numbing extremities.

Apartment 3-G, 2/21/11

Every day, Lu Ann is discovering another one of the joys of dating the extremely dumb. Today she learns that you can use tired old clichés and they’ll think you’re incredibly smart and witty for coming up with them. My one regret about today’s strip is that there isn’t some audio accompaniment to make clear exactly how badly Paul botches the pronunciation of “curator.”

Dick Tracy, 2/21/11

I’m posting today’s Dick Tracy so you can compare it to Saturday’s and see that, yes, it’s just giving you the same basic information in a different sequence. This happens over and over again, forever, until the sun expands into a red giant, killing everybody. Today’s strip is mainly notable because “doze” is spelled “dose.” Presumably this is because, come on, who the hell would bother to edit Dick Tracy, though it’s possible that Dick is a closet dope fiend and is afraid to shoot up or take goofballs or whatever lest Toasterhead gain the upper hand. (The strip’s previous casual use of drug lingo may be instructive in this regard.)

Dennis the Menace, 2/21/11

OH SNAP DENNIS JUST CALLED AMERICA’S MOM A HO

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Gil Thorp, 2/11/11

Oh hey, what’s going on with Gil Thorp’ presumably gay basketball prodigy? Well, it turns out the only thing he cares less about than winning basketball games is love, or at least yucky heterosexual love. But don’t worry about this negative stereotyping; for “balance,” his devout Christian future nemesis also turns out to be a brutal elbow-throwing thug.

Anyway, we can’t possibly be mad at Lini’s heartlessness, since his advice that Kayla dump Parker brought us the delightful and hilarious scene in panel two, where Parker is ripping off his own face out of grief. His friend sure seems to be having a good time watching the waterworks. “This is better than TV!” he thinks, while stone cold munching on a sandwich.

Apartment 3-G, 2/11/10

I’m going to pass over the rather predictable revelation that going on about your delusions of world-changing grandeur will cause Margo to want to do sex things with you, and instead focus on the freakish vehicle that has brought them to the deserted, pristine hillside that Trey will despoil with his green energy McMansion. Is that a Volkswagen Thing? Is Iris still passed out in the back seat?

Mary Worth, 2/11/10

Ha ha, Wilbur doesn’t have any idea how to work a Twitter machine! He’s just trying to lure Mary and her groceries back to his apartment, as he suspects she might have a jar of delicious mayonnaise in that bag.

Dennis the Menace, 2/11/10

“Oh, and how come you and Mrs. Wilson have different beds? Dad says it’s because you’re a couple of sexless old farts, but it always smells nice at your house!”

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Panels from Dennis the Menace, 1/30/11

In one of his most menacing acts in recent memory, Dennis taunts a snowman about its imminent demise.

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 1/30/11

Sunday’s A3G pretty much just rehashes the past week’s action, but I like this panel because it illustrates that Lu Ann has finally found someone to date who’s dumber than she is. “Now I’m not so sure. What do you think, Lu Ann? My thinks aren’t coming out of my think-place, for some reason. Maybe if I tap at it with my thumb? Come out, thinks! Come out!”

Panel from Beetle Bailey, 1/30/11

Is that … is that supposed to be a fax machine? Have the artists behind Beetle Bailey ever seen a fax machine, or any other object that occupies real physical space?

Panel from Dick Tracy, 1/30/11

The Crimestoppers Textbook makes it seem that not giving out your personal information is just a simple matter of, you know, not giving out your personal information, but the look of total devastation on this poor sap’s face tells a different story. “Oh no, they asked for my Social Security number! I guess I have no choice but to give it to them. Soon my credit rating will be destroyed! Curse you, clever identity thieves!”

Narration box from Mary Worth, 1/30/11

If you ever find it impossible to adequately describe the heart-pounding roller coaster ride that is Mary Worth, just refer to this narration box, which pretty much encapsulates this week’s thrills in a neat package.