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For Better Or For Worse, 5/16/07

Many have pointed out that today’s patented forced FOOBish pun is extra forced, considering that Warren pilots aircraft that don’t have wings. But it actually led me to contemplate the origin of the turn of phrase. After all, it originally referred to a performer in a play, waiting offstage for their moment to come on; though we’re meant to think that every fictional character has a rich backstory when we don’t see them, the truth is that they really only exist when they’re on stage. Perhaps, like the title characters in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, Warren is beginning to dimly realize that he’s just a ancillary character in somebody else’s story, that he exists only to reinforce the Inexplicable Irresistibility Of Liz, and that once he leaves he really will be doing nothing but waiting just off stage until he’s necessary for the story again. The fact that this strip seems to be his valedictory makes things all the more poignant: he knows, at some level, that he’s going to walk off panel and vanish into the narrative ether.

In other news, Warren’s facial expression in panel one is priceless. “Is … is she getting off on rubbing her face on my upper arm? What a weirdo! Gah, let go, woman!”

Beetle Bailey, 5/16/08

“Also, watch out for the horrifying, mutated alien cow-things. Do they eat human flesh? Who knows?”

Dennis the Menace, 5/16/08

America = freedom

Baseball = “America’s pastime”

Dennis hates baseball

Dennis hates freedom?

Dennis is a terrorist and/or communist?

Dennis is menacing?

Good enough. Tee time!

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Apartment 3-G, 5/15/08

Wacky antics Alan will be getting up to now that he has access to the Mills Gallery after hours:

• Turning the place into a meth lab
• Turning the place into a dope salesroom
• Sitting around and getting high on rock
• Sitting in Margo’s office and masturbating, while shouting “Oh, Margo! Tell me how far behind schedule we are! Tell me I’m a screw-up! Berate me! Point angrily at me! Yes! Yes!”

Dennis the Menace, 5/15/08

“So you see, my life is dominated by making one person do things he doesn’t want to do, and making another stop doing the things that he does want to do, to the extent that I have no idea what I want to do any more! That’s why this teacup is full of gin.”

Pluggers, 5/15/08

Pluggers think that going to a store that doesn’t sell beer or guns is a big God-damned waste of time.

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Dennis the Menace, 5/9/08

Dennis, you little devil! See, Dennis gave milk to Hot Dog without asking his parents, and it got splashed all over the carpet, and it’ll be impossible to get it out, and once it spoils, the living room is going to REEK! Ha ha! SO MENACING!

OK, no, there’s no way to get any menace out of this. Seriously, he’s making an adorable statement about a purring kitty-cat. At this point, he’s out-Jeffying Jeffy.

Family Circus, 5/9/08

Case in point. At least this panel has taken the crowd-pleasing step of showing us Jeffy being grievously injured.

Apartment 3-G, 5/9/08

What is Alan smoking? I mean this question quite literally. “Pipe” plus “rock” equals “crack,” obviously, but the lingo has been inconsistent enough that I’m still holding out for heroin, which you can in fact smoke from a pipe if you’re a-scared of needles. I’m not sure why I’m rooting for the horse; maybe it’s an act of local pride (Baltimore being something of a heroin town), or maybe because being a junkie has a bit more old-school charm than being a crackhead. I’m certainly hoping that all this fuss isn’t over marijuana (OH MY GOD AN ARTIST SMOKES POT WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT?).

I do like the mournful, baffled way in which Alan is regarding his toothbrush in panel two. “Wait, is this my pipe? Oh, God, I’m so [APPROPRIATE SLANG TERM] on [DRUG]!”

Herb and Jamaal, 5/9/08

Jamaal and Yolanda have carried mutual but unrequited torches for each other for pretty much the whole time I’ve been reading this strip. They’re like the Mulder and Scully of mediocre comic strips that nobody really reads. That’s the context for the first panel, which must surely count as the most awkward attempt to shift gears from friendship to romance in the history of human interaction. Of course, it quickly descends into madness, with Yolanda replying in a manner that no human being would, ever, just to set up a deeply lame joke, but I still can’t get past Jamaal’s super-smooth technique. What if she had taken it more positively? What would his next move had been? “How do you feel about friends kissing with tongues? How do you feel about one friend’s penis kissing another friend’s vagina?”

Dick Tracy, 5/9/08

“Yeah, you know, they do something really mundane, like rescue the police force’s two top officers with a 900-year-old weapon while an entire SWAT team is held at bay, and then stand around all needy, like they want a medal or something. Get a life, loser!”

In other news: Comic Sans has been banished! Huzzah!