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Shoe, 12/12/21

I honestly, and shamefully, would be down for Shoe to mine for laffs the relationship between Treetops’ one newspaper and its (presumably) one local television station. In such a small community of bird-journalists, one assumes that there’s a certain amount of social mixing going on, which probably includes an uncomfortable portion of slovenly print journalists harboring lustful feelings for the more camera-ready TV types. So I’m disappointed that this is all just a setup for a “hot air mass” punchline, and am all the more disappointed that said punchline is delivered in a way that doesn’t really make sense. Shouldn’t Shoe be saying “Watch out, she’ll recognize…” or something like that? In his defense, I guess, he’s probably pretty drunk.

Dennis the Menace, 12/12/21

Dennis truly menaces us today by illustrating that whatever high-minded beliefs we have about living in a functioning society as enlightened beings who work towards the greater good, in truth it is only “the Santa clause” — that is, the belief that correct actions will be materially rewarded and transgressions punished — that keeps us from degenerating into a state of total anarchy.

Dustin, 12/12/21

Welp, looks like you can add Dustin’s parents to the list of comic strip characters who fuck that I assume you diligently maintain. I take no pleasure in reporting this.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/7/21

So Nancy finally got herself motivated to put an evil scheme in motion, for certain limited definitions of “evil” and “scheme,” and decided to blow Sarah’s cover about the whole Kitty Cop pseudonym thing, and because there are no murders or political corruption or even fun car chases in the Morgans’ boring burg, the local news is camped out on their front steps demanding an interview. Just in time for Niki to show up with tonight’s dinner! These days, Niki is merely yet another bland teen character in Rex Morgan, M.D., but you might recall that he arrived in the strip as a petty thief who stole June’s purse. Eventually, of course, he was brought to the side of boring goodness when Rex took him on a wholesome, manly fishing vacation. Anyway, I have vague memories that among Nancy’s other crimes, she at one point tried to steal Niki away from Kelly (who also used to be a bajillion times more interesting than she is now), so it would be fun if Niki had gone back to the dark side and is wearing a wire so that he can sneak in to the Morgan house and get an interview with Sarah that will make Nancy rich and the Morgans embarrassed, but “fun” is the one thing this strip doesn’t do so it definitely won’t happen.

Dennis the Menace, 12/7/21

Not sure what’s more unsettling: that Mr. Wilson might be planning to make a crude mannequin out of cast-off objects he has lying around the house, label it “my sanity,” and start ostentatiously making out with it whenever Dennis is around, or the fact that the holiday season means that Dennis will be spending even less time with his family than usual.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/7/21

Hootin’ Holler! It’s a lawless place where you can experience vicious and arbitrary violence at any time thanks to a generations-old clan feud whose origins are long forgotten and a place where they don’t have fancy high-tech gizmos like “doorknobs”!

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Mary Worth, 11/18/21

This is, even within the context of a Wilbur storyline in Mary Worth, extremely sad. Remember earlier in this storyline when he was putting himself out there, full of confidence? Now he’s fallen back to his natural level, and it’s using “my own dog doesn’t even love me” as an attempt to get some pity-sex.

Crankshaft, 11/18/21

“Oh, wow, sorry my trying to help you has been such a burden! Sure, why don’t you drive from Ohio to Seattle and then sit in a poorly ventilated room with dozens of other people for eight hours. You’re 85 years old or whatever, you’ll probably be fine!”

Dennis the Menace, 11/18/21

Hmm, Dennis, your brand of menacing is supposed to be big and aggressive and flying in the face of society’s rules. Letting Joey know that you’ve already resigned yourself to your place as just another faceless cog in the machine and that he needs to as well is, ironically, one of the most menacing things you’ve ever done.

Family Circus, 11/18/21

“Did you know that you could be a parent and still dress vaguely fashionably, mommy? That you don’t have to dress like a dowdy old lady? You’re, like, 35 tops, right?”