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Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/7/20

Well, we finally got through the boring parts of this storyline — like the part where Rex did the same dumb normal doctor stuff he does now, but in the past, or the part where he fell over, or the part where he got a free medical practice — but now, at last, we’re getting to the emotional meat of the story, where Rex and June get to know one another and explore their feelings and — oh, what’s that? We’re not getting that at all? Rex hired June, and then proposed three months later, with nothing of interest happening in between those two events? Huh. And then she said yes? Huh. Anyhoo, I guess we’re wrapping this up and moving onto our next storyline, which is probably about … Buck’s favorite rockabilly performer! Bet he’s down on his luck!

Dennis the Menace, 8/7/20

Is a hot dog a sandwich? Is cereal a soup? Is a pop-tart a calzone? Sounds like Dennis has been getting involved in pointless social media/messageboard discussions from two or three years ago, which honestly is at least medium menacing.

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Crankshaft, 7/30/20

The Valentine Theater is the passion project for Crankshaft’s grandson Max, and as the owner and a true cinephile, you’d think he’d be mad about, for instance, people just talking at full volume during the movies, and that he’d try to prevent it, even if the offenders were his parents. I assume this conversation is happening because, despite The Phantom Empire being fairly well known and regarded by film history buffs, no actual paying customers have shown up to see it. Can’t believe this theater isn’t going to go out of business for another ten years!

Beetle Bailey, 7/30/30

I honestly love the twisted, tongue-centered riff on Cinderella in today’s Beetle Bailey. Look at how mad General Halftrack is! Those eyes! The rage! His age- and booze-addled brain couldn’t retain the face of the man who sassed him, but he’ll never forget the tongue. The vision of it haunts him at night. It haunts him.

Dennis the Menace, 7/30/20

Every menace we encounter is just a second-order byproduct of the one true primeval menace, which is insatiable need

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Mark Trail, 7/14/20

Oh, say, it looks like Hollywood Bad Boy Jeremy Cartwright is going to get more than he bargained for in his ridealong with Mark Trail, because instead of seeing Mark natter on about nature or whatever, which he’d snicker about in between bouts of surreptitiously doing lines of cocaine, he’s gonna get to see Mark punch out some evil bighorn poachers, which he’ll deeply respect because the only people he’s ever punched out have been his fellow actors under the careful guidance of an on-set fight choreographer and a paparazzo that one time, when he was on a lot of cocaine. I don’t think the guy in the first panel is meant to be against the highly illegal bighorn sheep trade, by the way; I’m pretty sure he loves crimes and his face just looks like that.

Dennis the Menace, 7/14/20

The real menace here is not how dumb Dennis is, how painfully dumb he is, just dumb as a box of rocks, but rather that the library, knowing that today’s youth is shallow and obsessed with celebrities, has a book called Famous People that they hand out to the little shits to keep them quiet. It didn’t work in this particular case, but you should see what a mess it’d be there without it.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/14/20

If just seeing an actress in a Lisa wig has sent Les into a state of catatonia, then seeing Mason wearing a Les 1.0 hair prosthesis will kill him, just strike him dead where he stands. I honestly would like to think that this was the plan all along. They’ll all finally be free of him.

Pluggers, 7/14/20

The “you” in this caption really sent a chill down my spine. You think pluggers don’t affect your life? Wrong. You’re trapped here with them, and their screwups are your problem and there’s nothing you can do about it, so get ready to chow down.