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Hagar the Horrible, 9/26/16

I’ve slowly come to believe that the episodes of Viking life we see in Hagar the Horrible aren’t disconnected vignettes in some timeless comic-strip eternal now, but actually a coherent story told out of sequence, if only we can piece it together. Today, I think, comes somewhere close to the end. Usually it’s Hagar and Eddie and their band who are raiding castles, as you would expect from a mobile band sustained by plunder. But now they find themselves in the position of defending a castle. Presumably they managed to capture a stronghold, somewhere in the temperate south, and after butchering everyone inside decided to trade their thatched fjord-side huts for the chance to live like Frankish barons. And what did they get for it? Just the responsibility of fighting off the next band of Norsemen who came sailing up the river in their longships. The men have gone all soft, expecting the comfort of prepared food instead of just scarfing down whatever could be hunted or gathered. Was it worth it? Was this really victory?

Dick Tracy, 9/26/16

Ooh, looks like Dick Tracy is going to do an Aliens Are A Metaphor For Those We Deem As “Others” plotline, beloved in scifi and scifi-ish franchises everywhere! Haha, who could’ve guessed that when Dick Tracy did a plot where the government set up internment camps, Dick would be against them.

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Dick Tracy, 9/23/16

Here’s what a capricious jerk I am: I denied you a juicy Dick Tracy subplot this week, in which Chief Patton was manipulated by his ne’er-do-well nephew in prison, and also refused to share a fantastic panel yesterday in which the vampire car exploded. But I sure as heck am going to share today’s strip with you, because I find it hilarious. Specifically, I love the fact that everyone’s toasting the Chief with cans of clearly labelled soda, lest we even for a single moment think that our straight-arrow law enforcement officers might wrap up their day and celebrate a victory over cartoonish crime with the demon alcohol. I also find it hilarious that it’s generic soda from a vending machine with a huge “SODA” sign, as if this strip was intended to attract product placement money that never materialized.

Marvin, 9/23/16

Shoutout to today’s Marvin for not having a punchline or payoff of any sort! Maybe the strip has been forbidden from doing poop jokes and in reaction has gone on strike from doing any sort of jokes at all.

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Judge Parker, 8/30/16

It’s been years since puberty transformed Sophie from a data-obsessing pantsuit-wearing tween genius into a mean girl super-cheerleader. But while she’s been curating her affect for maximum acceptability in school, her core identity — rational, calculating, steel-willed — remains intact. Her plan to win Derek’s heart has been carefully crafted from the beginning. Wars interest her. And today, she’s going to self-talk her way out of a wrecked car. “This is not how you bleed, Sophie. This is not how you die. This may be how Honey Ballinger dies, though. Just move that shoulder belt a few inches to upwards, so it her throat rests right on it with all her weight … she won’t even feel a thing…”

Dick Tracy, 8/30/16

Liberal whiners in the U.S. are always extolling European health care systems, but real American Dick Tracy is here to show us the reality. If he had suffered his injuries in America, right now he’d be in a gleaming new for-profit hospital, but he’s in Switzerland, so he’s getting the best care they have on offer, which is in the home office of some dude who isn’t assertive enough to get rid of his houseguests.

Family Circus, 8/30/16

Wow, so I guess we’re getting a whole week of this, huh? You know, most comics are going broke, and Garfield has never been anything but a marketing vehicle, but I’m kind of surprised that the Family Circus is the first syndicated comic to offer native advertising.