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Dick Tracy, 3/13/13

So there’s a new plot in Dick Tracy, and it involves this eccentrically dressed puzzle-obsessed possible supervillain, who is most definitely not The Riddler, a piece of intellectual property owned by DC Comics and its corporate parent Warner Bros. Anyway, this not-The-Riddler person has been taunting, or maybe just generally acting weird at, Dick Tracy in videos he’s posting online — videos that, as we can see here, are becoming increasingly transparently sexual.

Mark Trail, 3/13/13

“Good lord, we need to put a stop to this skullduggery immediately! And, if time permits, rescue Rusty before his kidnappers brutally murder him. I’m sure he’ll understand. The integrity of the professional bass fishing tournament circuit is at stake!”

Funky Winkerbean, 3/13/13

Haha, that’s right, Mopey Pete! Screw those people at Montoni’s! You may be a depressive loser but at least you got out of Westview. That’s your greatest achievement. Don’t give them the second-hand Skype time of day!

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Mary Worth, 2/24/13, 4/26/12 (panels)

WORST. BALLOON RALLY. EVER.

Spider-Man, 2/24/13

So for two weeks the World’s Slowest Missile has been homing in on Daredevil, only it’s suddenly on a timer? Since it hasn’t come close to hitting its target in all that time, why does Kingpin expect a better result in “Seven seconds — Six –“? I guess the idea is something like, “And then Spidey sees Daredevil, and there’s like a missile, and Kingpin, with a secret lair and, and mumble mumble EXCITING DANGER!!!” Even Narration Box seems confused: “Countdown to Zero!“? Uh, as opposed to what, exactly, N.B.?

Funky Winkerbean, 2/24/13

Do you “have what it takes to be a band director”? Let’s see: Multi-volume-autobiography-writing narcissism? Check! Indifference to the health and self-esteem of your students? Check! Melodramatic, fatuous, incoherent advice? Check! You’re good to go, chippie: see you at next year’s Ohio State Music Educators Association Convention!

Any idea what that last speech-balloon might’ve said before it was tortured to bloody gibbering death? Maybe something like “But if you do, fail from courage, not cowardice”? I mean before the rewrite demons showed up.

Dick Tracy, 2/24/13

You gotta love how Dick Tracy carefully exonerates the locomotive crew from any responsibility for this accident. After all, Sweatbox was driving at dangerously high speed onto an icy overpass. And it was black ice — slipperiest and stealthiest of all the ices! And he was probably dead from that encounter with the steering wheel even before the train hit him, right? Sure, they were accelerating into bad weather to make up time, but the crew even sounded the horn as if to say, “Keep that lovely old Benz off our tracks, wouldya — we’re speedin’ here!”

Do you think the Railroad Police will mount a full and fair investigation — or have they all been corrupted by that sweet “Tracy’s Hall of Fame” gig?

That’s it for me — Josh will be back with Comments of the Week soon (remember, patience is a virtue!), and regular posts starting Monday. Thanks for a fun week!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Dick Tracy, 2/22/13

Long-time readers will remember when Dick Tracy was a staple of these pages, back before a new team, narrative coherence, and really sumptuous art (go back and look at that first panel again; I’ll wait) put an end to that. So it’s nice of them to toss in an grisly death now and again, just for us old-timers. Thanks, guys — BEROWH!

Judge Parker, 2/22/13

Ha ha, so L’il Judge Randy’s going to tell his fiancée — a well-equipped professional assassin with a hair-trigger temper and history of gun violence returning from covert wet work in some Middle East hot spot — that their honeymoon will trap them on a boat with Mom ‘n’ Pop, the very people she planned to escape by eloping, swearing him to secrecy. Sam’s concerns are misplaced — L’il Judge won’t live to see cocktail hour, let alone Mexico. Work it like a claw, and call him mincemeat.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 2/22/13

The Scarlet Letter meets Welcome to the Monkey House. Those townsfolk will be mighty surprised when Reverend Dimmesdale shows up with a scarlet “D-” on his chest — the mercy grade Hester gave him so he wouldn’t try to retake the course.

Edge City, 2/22/13

Obsessive neurotic Abby Ardin finally found a personal trainer well-suited to her capabilities and goals, and promptly stopped exercising. Husband Len sizes up the situation perceptively, but both irony and correction are lost on Abby.

Hi and Lois, 2/22/13

Lois, check out the the Cubs memorabilia and the Dylan, Who, and Led Zeppelin posters: this guy is your Dad.

Just a reminder – no Comments of the Week on my watch. Look for them when Josh gets back Sunday or, you know, whenever.

— Uncle Lumpy