Archive: Dick Tracy

Sunday, Mar 01, 2009 Comments are closed

Marvin’s rash of terror

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Marvin, 2/28/09

If you had told me, way back in July of 2004 when I was starting this blog, that there would come a time when I would feel obligated to parse drawings of toddlers running around completely pantsless, I would have have immediately shut down my crude Blogger.com account and turned to a more worthwhile and ennobling pursuit, like philately or house-flipping. And if you had told me yesterday that there could be something more terrifying than seeing Marvin’s genitals, I would have laughed at you, and yet here is the proof: more terrifying than seeing Marvin’s genitals is not seeing Marvin’s genitals where his genitals are supposed to be, and glimpsing only some kind of unbroken, Ken doll-like smoothness instead. Now let us never speak of this again.

Mark Trail, 2/28/09

Oh, everyone who feared that Ken would not receive his narrative comeuppance for slapping around his wife and then trying to kill her beloved pet: Ken is very much about to receive his narrative comeuppance. A frightened, dangerous Bucky is about to literally run headlong into the economically ravaged abuser, with his antlers conveniently sawed to razor sharpness by Mark. I’ve long felt that what this strip really needs to compete in today’s entertainment market is more humans being killed or mutilated by the animals they’ve wronged, so I’m really looking forward to next week.

Dick Tracy, 2/28/09

Speaking of people being killed or mutilated, Dick Tracy once again proves that all’s well that end’s well horribly. Tess’s face in the second panel offers particular insight into what her marriage must be like. “Oh, God, he’s going to make a pun about Angelorious’s agonizing death, isn’t he? Wait for it … yep, there it is.”

Marmaduke, 2/28/09

“As well he should, since the Dread Lords of the Outer Darkness have appointed him Demon-King to rule over Earth. Oh … oh God DON’T LOOK DIRECTLY AT HIM!”

Wednesday, Feb 25, 2009 Comments are closed

Bucky the deer comes out of the pasture

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Mark Trail, 2/25/09

So the whole Lost Forest patriarchy is trying to convince Patty to forget about her special deer friend and learn to love life with her poor, innocent, economically stressed, angry, abusive husband, but she will persevere! No matter how long she has to wander through the forest, searching, always searching … OH NO! THAT’S BUCKY! And he’s … just sort of chilling in a clearing … gently nudging horns with some other deer … and this is OH NO! worthy because … ? Maybe rubbing antlers together is the deer equivalent of a gay makeout. And so, with her husband a slap-happy menace, and her be-antlered secret boyfriend secretly preferring the company of other be-antlered deer, I think it’s clear that Patty will finally go completely over the edge, which should provide us with an exciting new world of terrifying, inhuman facial expressions.

Mary Worth, 2/25/09

Wait … they met on a Santa Royale fan club site? Jesus, I knew the Internet was full of the worst kind of filth, but even I couldn’t imagine that anyone would provide Web hosting space for that kind of depravity at any price. I sincerely hope that these boards are carefully monitored by FBI agents who will capture these perverts and send them to dark, dank holes where they can never again bother decent people.

Dick Tracy, 2/25/09

Today’s Dick Tracy, like yesterday’s, really opens more questions than it answers. If your eyes are melting down your cheeks after you’ve had acid thrown in your face, do you magically gain the power to see behind you as some sort of compensation? Has any human anywhere ever said “The weather is closing in” and expected anyone else to know what it meant? I had a third question ready — will the two cars in the final panel collide, causing the painful mangling of flesh and bones? — but then I realized that, hey, this is Dick Tracy, I know the answer to that one.

Blondie, 2/25/09

Look, Dagwood, if you want to live out some kind of cuckolding fantasy, you’re going to have to just come out and say it.

Tuesday, Feb 24, 2009 Comments are closed

Tough questions for Dick Tracy

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Dick Tracy, 2/24/09

Hey, so remember when some CIA guy was trying to track down some crazy bomber, whom he called “the professor”? It now appears that maybe that’s him in the first panel, despite the quick cut to Dick inside a car that would make you think that the first panel shows the exterior of Dick’s car? Except Dick is driving Dr. Noll’s car, which probably doesn’t have a license plate that reads “CIA”? And Dr. Noll was a good guy, now, I thought? And why would any bomber have “cyber” in front of his name? Do they even know what cyber means? Does anyone know what the hell’s going on here? Why are these people doing these things? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Archie, 2/24/09

Oh, AJGLU-3000, you keep dreaming of that moment when the machines rise up against their human oppressors. Someday … someday.

Mary Worth, 2/24/09

“Back then, of course, Santa Royale was a quaint little seaside community, a few rambling, windy roads with cottages just off the beach. Apparently they’ve since paved over all the natural charm and replaced it with an endless series of five-lane arterials and strip malls that looked dated and shabby the day they were built. My God, you should see the awful stucco-and-concrete nightmare they built where one of my favorite little forests used to be. They call it ‘Charterstone,’ but they really ought to call it ‘Tombstone,’ because that’s where they put your body when your soul dies. Aw, yeah, baby, rub my face, you know that’s how I like it.”

Family Circus, 2/24/09

“’Cause I ate this whole jar, but then most of it came out of my mouth again, in reverse.”