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Mary Worth, 7/4/22

Happy Fourth of July, everyone! Did you bake a cake for America’s birthday, like Mary did? No? Well, I guess you don’t love America enough, do you? (This sentiment still stands if Mary bought a sheet cake for America’s birthday at the supermarket, which at second glance she probably did. It’s the thought that counts!)

Dick Tracy, 7/4/22

For America’s birthday, Dick Tracy is reminding us that only AMERICA has sent manned spacecraft to the moon, where they discovered that the moon was inhabited by Moon People, one of whom, in this classic storyline, eloped with his son and Dick chased them there and then he did the extremely American thing where he’s shocked, shocked to learn that other countries (or planets) also have immigration laws and they apply to Americans. If I were in prison on the moon, I personally would want it to be an electric prison, because I’m pretty sure you need electricity to generate the oxygen I need to live, but that’s just me.

Pluggers, 7/4/22

Sorry to get political on here on the Fourth of July, everybody! Don’t get too mad at me! Reed Hoover also got political by claiming that hip-hop, an American-born art form that is one of the U.S.’s most popular cultural exports, isn’t welcome at a plugger’s Independence Day celebration. You can get mad at him all you want, but sadly it won’t do you any good.

Beetle Bailey, 7/4/22

Beetle Bailey is here to remind us that like any ideology, patriotism and nationalism are shaped by material conditions. When urging the U.S. to ease starvation in post-WWII Germany, General Lucius Clay, head of the occupying forces, famously said, “There is no choice between being a communist on 1,500 calories a day and a believer in democracy on a thousand.” The quantities here have shifted somewhat, but the point stands.

The Lockhorns, 7/4/22

The Lockhorns, meanwhile, invert the classic aphorism and make the political personal, every day. There’s no room for ideology in Leroy and Loretta’s world: everything gets crushed into interpersonal misery by the intense gravitational field of their mutual loathing.

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Dustin, 6/19/22

Earlier this year, my faithful readers were treated to what I assume was an enlightening etymological journey in which they learned that the phrase “the bucket list,” far from being some longstanding cliche in the English language, was actually dreamed up by the screenwriter for the 2007 film of the same name. It’s therefore interesting to note that despite the phrase’s recency, many people who use it seem to forget that the “bucket” part comes from “kicking the bucket,” and treat it as a generic “list of things you want to do someday,” rather than what it actually is supposed to be, which is a specific “list of things you want to do before you die, an event which you suspect might occur sooner rather than later.” Anyway, my point is that the Dustin creative team seems to fall into this category, and also the category of people who think it’s hilarious if an item on someone’s “bucket list” involves an actual bucket, or a thing like a basketball hoop that’s close enough. Either that or Dustin’s eight-year-old friend is actually dying, in a storyline that I guarantee will jerk exactly zero tears since nobody is emotionally involved in the comic strip Dustin or any of its characters, but it would explain why this kid seems to think he needs to do a slam dunk now rather than just waiting to get taller.

Mary Worth, 6/19/22

Imagine if you had been subject to abuse from your intimate partner so violent that it landed you in the hospital, where you spent the night being cared for by a sensitive physician’s assistant, and the next day, as you’re leaving, you screw up your courage and ask him out on a date. If you discovered at that point that he had a girlfriend, it would — and I am not exaggerating here — be one of the best things that could’ve happened to you in that scenario. Girl, you need some time on your own and this guy has weird control issues, do not answer the phone when he inevitably calls you!!!

Dick Tracy, 6/19/22

Oh, huh, looks like Dick’s plan to sleuth out Mr. Memory’s location has been short circuited by the fact that Mr. Memory is enjoying a pleasant dinner with the Plentys, Dick’s son’s parents-in-law. Mostly I’m posting this on the off chance that Dick is about to have his face gouged off by an owl and I didn’t want you to miss it.

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Dick Tracy, 6/16/22

Oh, right, I guess I never mentioned that the owl guy had, pre-owl-stuff, been seen using hypnosis (?) to convince people to hand over money they were taking out of ATMs, and is also a classic member of Dick’s rogues gallery named “Mr. Memory.” ATM-hypnosis is in the same bank-robbing ballpark as the stuff our heroes are investigating, but I appreciate Sam pointing out that it’s not the same thing as draining bank accounts via computer hacking, at all. I suppose he could’ve just used his hypnosis powers to convince a bank employee to do the bank account draining for him. Dick, however, is very set on this computer business being at the center of things, to the extent that he’s defensively claiming that Mr. Memory needs computers to “plan” his crimes, but while the flashback scene in panel two today is completely wild on a number of levels, at its heart it’s fairly standard tying-people-up-and-holding-cops at gunpoint stuff that doesn’t need, like, an advanced AI to pull off. Maybe Mr. Memory and his gang had a shared Google Doc that they used for brainstorming ambassador-kidnapping ideas, I dunno.

Dennis the Menace, 6/16/22

The thing about this panel is that what Dennis is saying is nonsense. What’s menacing is his attitude. Just standing six inches behind his dad while his father tries to do a little fixy stuff for once, casually sipping his soda from a straw, letting loose with some pointless advice. “You’re a dipshit, dad” is just kind of his whole vibe, you know?