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Funky Winkerbean, 7/23/21

I don’t mean to tell people how to deal with shocking news, but I feel like this Comic-Con crowd has moved on way too quickly to the part where they’re heaping heartfelt praise on undeserving Funky Winkerbean ancillary characters and haven’t spent enough time dwelling on the part where Phil Holt faked his death. This Q&A in real life would feature fewer questions like “This is more a comment than a question, but in a meaningful sense you two guys were like our parents” and more like “Why did you fake your death?” and “How did you fake your death?” and “What was it like being a ghost?” and “Have you looked into the legal ramifications of faking your death? Because I bet there are legal ramifications.”

Dick Tracy, 7/23/21

Remember when this strip used to be a nonstop symphony of graphic violence? Now it’s just letting its creators work out the most indulgent possible fantasy for a comic strip artist: that if their strip went into reruns, at least one of their readers would care enough to try to figure out what had happened to them.

Gil Thorp, 7/23/21

Ha, not only will Heather definitely be unpaid, but this unpaid job will prevent her from getting any actual jobs! Just perfect. I also have to wonder if the newspaper would consider Heather taking this gig a conflict of interest, seeing as the only newsworthy stuff that happens in this terrible town is inevitably Milford High-related in some way.

Zits, 7/23/21

Oh, nothing much to see here, just the Zits mom humping the TV during a sex scene. Enjoy your weekend, everybody!

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Dick Tracy, 7/15/21

Oh, did I tell you about the Dick Tracy plot where Mysta Chimera was working with Vera Alldid, a cartoonist who does an in-universe comic strip called J. Straightedge Trustworthy that’s clearly based on/parodying Dick Tracy’s life, and Mysta was supposed to be promoting some cartoon thing but also Vera was sexually harassing her nonstop, but now they’ve both been kidnapped by some guy with a magic science ring that suppresses Mysta’s powers? Well, if I didn’t, I guess I just did in that previous sentence, so here we are! Anyway, I just want to point out that only when he learned his comic is in reruns now did Alldid truly break down into despair, which maybe says a little too much about the comic artist mindset. They’ve been running reruns of Crock for literally years and nobody seems to notice! You think they’re ever going to pay Vera again if this goes on for too long?

Dennis the Menace, 7/15/21

Hmm, it looks like Dennis’s mysterious road trip with the Wilsons is still ongoing! Mr. Wilson is, of course, scouring the local paper to make sure no reports of a missing young boy have reached this town, far away from the leafy suburb where the Mitchells and Wilsons live. (Obviously no such reports have made it into the paper, because Henry and Alice have absolutely not bothered to tell anybody their child is missing.)

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Dick Tracy, 7/12/21

Oh, hey, remember when Dr. Ghost and Dr. Sail stole one of Diet Smith’s space coupes and Diet sent it careening off into deep space, and we all assumed the villains had suffocated, or maybe ate each other? Well, good (?) news: it seems they actually were crushed into pulp as they plunged ever deeper into Jupiter’s thick atmosphere, or — best case scenario, in terms of visuals — were blasted into pieces by some of the planet’s intense lightning storms.

Judge Parker, 7/12/21

Oh, hey, remember how Judge Parker Senior has spent the last several months moping around the house in a drunken fog? Well, good news! Now he’s in a much better mood, apparently because he’s traded in alcohol for some powerful stimulant.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/12/21

OH IS THAT HOW YOU REMEMBER IT, JUNE?

BECAUSE I REMEMBER WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A CHARITY BOOK TO BENEFIT THE ART MUSEUM TURNING INTO A BIG PAYDAY FOR YOUR FAMILY

GUESS WE’RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO AGREE TO DISAGREE ON THIS ONE