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Mary Worth, 4/11/24

Uh, what’s that? We sent Wilbur on a solo karaoke journey where he sang Celine Dion and you felt nothing? Well, what if we, uh [sweating profusely at the thought that the Wilbur Weston narrative gold mine might finally be tapped out], what if we had him run into his ex, and she’s just like, festooned with pets, including the cat he lost a piss fight to and the dog that just wasn’t that into him? What about now, huh? Does that do it for you? Does Wilbur’s tight little smile as he dies inside give you that little hit of dopamine you crave?

Dick Tracy, 4/11/24

Man, Blowtop, if I were you I would’ve kept quiet about the fact that you’ve been robbing banks (since that’s illegal) and freely offered any information you had about Croptop’s release date (since that’s information that a police officer could easily obtain from the prison system anyway). Not my business I realize but that’s just my suggestion!

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Dick Tracy, 4/8/24

In a lot of ways, it has to be a real pain in the ass to be a criminal in the Dick Tracy universe — like, you have to have some kind of gimmick, and if someone in your family has already established a gimmick, you have to try to riff on it, even if the result is incredibly labored. What if this lady doesn’t even like crop-tops? What if she dreams of wearing comfortable, loose-fitting blouses, but instead she has to do business with her belly showing, and then feels obligated to stick to a rigorous diet and workout regimen to keep her abs shapely and wear a navel ring to draw attention to it to boot? On the other hand, in other ways it’s actually pretty easy to be a criminal in the Dick Tracy universe — like, you can just walk into a bar and say “Hey, I’m doing some crimes, anyone else want to do crimes with me?” and a lot of people will cheerfully sign up.

Judge Parker, 4/8/24

Wow, big news, everybody! Randy is sick of this same story happening over and over and over again, so he’s shutting down the Judge Parker newspaper strip. RIP Judge Parker, 1952-2024, you taught me it was OK to be weird, but not in, like, an interesting way.

Mary Worth, 4/8/24

HE’S NOT LADY, HE VERY MUCH IS NOT, PLEASE DO NOT ENCOURAGE AND/OR HAVE SEX WITH HIM

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Mary Worth, 3/27/24

God bless Mary Worth for sticking to its strengths, which is putting ordinary people into compelling situations and having them say things that are sort of like something an actual human would say, but not really — not, like, dramatically off, but, you know, off enough. I know that when I’m feeling down for the next few months, I’m going to be able to cheer myself up my thinking about an actual 20-year-old person announcing “She’s fine! She had a change of heart about cutting me out of her life, and wants to reconnect with me … [extremely dramatic pause] … HER ONLY CHILD!”

Dick Tracy, 3/27/24

Look, I may not be an expert in Little Orphan Annie lore, but I did imprint on Carol Burnett as Miss Hannigan like a baby duck at an early age, so “Ms. Asthma” here had better be already trying to figure out how to profit from this infant’s labor or I’m going to be very upset.

Shoe, 3/27/24

So I guess Skyler’s just going to start telling adults about his grim home life in the hopes that someone will finally call child protective services?

Hi and Lois, 3/27/24

I’m really enjoying Hi and Lois’s facial expressions here. “Well,” they’re thinking, “on the bright side we don’t have to worry about saving up for college for this one.”