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Mary Worth, 10/18/26

Oh, wow, as predicted by literally everybody, Mary and Ian weren’t engaged in a sexual relationship after all; they were simply spending lots of time together because Ian is simply too dumb to know how to make a reservation at a restaurant or an all-inclusive resort, both of which I assume have both phone numbers and websites, and he was deliriously grateful that Mary was able to help out. Why, they even had a big laugh together about how ill-equipped Ian is to successfully complete even the most basic of everyday life tasks. The best thing about this big reveal is that Wilbur, Dawn, Saul, Eve, and … I think that’s Tommy? … are all party invitees, which means that the exact same people who eagerly spread the gossip about Ian and Mary also presumably knew that Ian and Mary were planning a surprise party for Toby together. It also means that Toby has no actual friends, because I don’t think she’s ever hung out with any of these people on a non-Charterstone-pool-party basis.

Dustin, 10/18/26

Now, I know most of us think about Dustin as “that unlikeable dipshit who’s marginally less unlikeable than his father.” But he has some layers to him that you might not expect! For instance, did you know he’s also haunted by thoughts of death, and how he’ll be remembered after it in this world and what he’ll experience in the next?

Hi and Lois, 10/18/26

Speaking of the afterlife, can you imagine risking eternal damnation just to watch a Jaguars-Texans game? Seems not worth it, to me. On the other hand, given that the pews here are full of random comic and cartoon characters, Hi is probably having some kind of hallucinatory experience, which makes the fact that he’s making sure to keep up on Jags-Texans action even more pathetic.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 10/18/26

We’re all familiar with Pinocchio, of course, the beloved wooden puppet who came to life. Can you imagine if Pinocchio were real, and worried about venereal disease? Probably in that context he’d think about termites, right? Termites that would eat his wooden penis? Anyway, that’s not a puppet lady who he’s ogling, so I personally think he should learn more about the human body and the various organisms that make up its extended biome before he goes around trying to have sex with us.

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Mary Worth, 10/8/26

So, Toby has been having an “Is my husband cheating on me, with Mary Worth of all people?” anxiety dream all week, and I keep waiting for it to get really deranged and fun à la the dancing Wilburbabies, but what we’ve gotten instead is just a slightly dream-tinged version of the same breathless real-life gossip sessions we’ve been seeing for some time now. Today I had the epiphany that this is actually very revealing of Toby’s character: she isn’t imagining some sordid Mary/Ian erotic tableau because she doesn’t actually care about her husband cheating on her; what she cares about is other people knowing that she’s being cheated on and eagerly talking about it, which is devastating to her self-image.

Dustin, 10/8/26

Yes, I know the joke here is “A boy? Taking ballet??? A dance for girls???????” but, real talk, my understanding is that learning ballet is actually a pretty difficult and physically demanding process, whereas for me Little League was an experience I didn’t enjoy much but mostly consisted of standing in the outfield where nothing ever happened and occasionally getting onto base after getting hit by a wild pitch, so the latter is definitely more appealing to me as an essentially lazy person. Like, take a look at ballet dancers sometime, both the men and the women are pretty shredded, and you’re probably saying, “Josh, you can’t compare the Bolshoi to whatever kind of entry-level suburban dance studio this kid’s mom is threatening him with,” and in response I would urge you to watch a Major League Baseball game sometime. It’s a sport I enjoy but it’s also a sport where the players are allowed to be in shape but don’t necessarily have to be, if you follow me. If you’re bad at running, they’ll send someone else to run the bases for you! You think they let you do that in ballet? They do not!

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Luann, 9/24/26

Hey, remember how Toni got pregnant, as a result of shower sex with Brad? Probably you’ve been trying to purge that information from your mind, but tough shit, I’m telling you about the current Luann storyline so you have to get into the right headspace by recalling all the backstory. Anyway, Brad and Toni told the whole family and friend group about this blessed event, and they’re being as normal about it as you can expect. If you want to be normal about it, you can visit Luann Fan dot com, where you can vote on whether you want Brad and Toni to find out if it’s a boy, find out if it’s a girl, or, somewhat confusingly, wait to find out — in other words, you’re not actually taking a guess about the gender of their future child, but rather taking a guess about their experience of learning the gender, or, alternately, of forgoing the opportunity to do so.

The voting is via a janky looking Google Form, and you have to kind of respect that the Luann creative team went this route rather than, say, partnering with Kalshi to provide the opportunity to bet on buy a futures contract about what and if Brad and Toni would learn about their baby’s genital configuration, with the help of a trusted CFTC-regulated futures market partner. I guess they’re happy with the other revenue opportunities the Luann Fan dot com website generates, like the upcoming sale of Books One and Two of The Saga of Brad and Toni. Order now if you hate yourself and hate life!

Dustin, 9/24/26

Do you think this little girl knows that Dustin is an adult? Sorry, I know I should be focused on the bigger picture here, which is that this strip is unpleasantly transposing the “attractive, supercilious woman treats a hapless man with contempt” bit it loves to do with Dustin at fern bars onto children; but I’m just really hung up on the question of whether the girl knows that the neighbor kid here is friends with a grown-ass man in his twenties, or if she thinks this advice he’s relaying secondhand came from another child.

Mary Worth, 9/24/26

Sorry to not keep you up to date on what’s been happening in Mary Worth, but all that’s been happening in Mary Worth has been Nelly telling everyone about all the time Mary and Ian have been spending together, or other people telling each other what they’ve heard from Nelly. This has been going on for, like, a while, but she’s really going at it with dogged determination. Are you hearing impaired? Don’t think she’s going to withhold this information from you; she’s happy to yell it as loudly as necessary.