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Mary Worth, 10/8/26

So, Toby has been having an “Is my husband cheating on me, with Mary Worth of all people?” anxiety dream all week, and I keep waiting for it to get really deranged and fun à la the dancing Wilburbabies, but what we’ve gotten instead is just a slightly dream-tinged version of the same breathless real-life gossip sessions we’ve been seeing for some time now. Today I had the epiphany that this is actually very revealing of Toby’s character: she isn’t imagining some sordid Mary/Ian erotic tableau because she doesn’t actually care about her husband cheating on her; what she cares about is other people knowing that she’s being cheated on and eagerly talking about it, which is devastating to her self-image.

Dustin, 10/8/26

Yes, I know the joke here is “A boy? Taking ballet??? A dance for girls???????” but, real talk, my understanding is that learning ballet is actually a pretty difficult and physically demanding process, whereas for me Little League was an experience I didn’t enjoy much but mostly consisted of standing in the outfield where nothing ever happened and occasionally getting onto base after getting hit by a wild pitch, so the latter is definitely more appealing to me as an essentially lazy person. Like, take a look at ballet dancers sometime, both the men and the women are pretty shredded, and you’re probably saying, “Josh, you can’t compare the Bolshoi to whatever kind of entry-level suburban dance studio this kid’s mom is threatening him with,” and in response I would urge you to watch a Major League Baseball game sometime. It’s a sport I enjoy but it’s also a sport where the players are allowed to be in shape but don’t necessarily have to be, if you follow me. If you’re bad at running, they’ll send someone else to run the bases for you! You think they let you do that in ballet? They do not!

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Luann, 9/24/26

Hey, remember how Toni got pregnant, as a result of shower sex with Brad? Probably you’ve been trying to purge that information from your mind, but tough shit, I’m telling you about the current Luann storyline so you have to get into the right headspace by recalling all the backstory. Anyway, Brad and Toni told the whole family and friend group about this blessed event, and they’re being as normal about it as you can expect. If you want to be normal about it, you can visit Luann Fan dot com, where you can vote on whether you want Brad and Toni to find out if it’s a boy, find out if it’s a girl, or, somewhat confusingly, wait to find out — in other words, you’re not actually taking a guess about the gender of their future child, but rather taking a guess about their experience of learning the gender, or, alternately, of forgoing the opportunity to do so.

The voting is via a janky looking Google Form, and you have to kind of respect that the Luann creative team went this route rather than, say, partnering with Kalshi to provide the opportunity to bet on buy a futures contract about what and if Brad and Toni would learn about their baby’s genital configuration, with the help of a trusted CFTC-regulated futures market partner. I guess they’re happy with the other revenue opportunities the Luann Fan dot com website generates, like the upcoming sale of Books One and Two of The Saga of Brad and Toni. Order now if you hate yourself and hate life!

Dustin, 9/24/26

Do you think this little girl knows that Dustin is an adult? Sorry, I know I should be focused on the bigger picture here, which is that this strip is unpleasantly transposing the “attractive, supercilious woman treats a hapless man with contempt” bit it loves to do with Dustin at fern bars onto children; but I’m just really hung up on the question of whether the girl knows that the neighbor kid here is friends with a grown-ass man in his twenties, or if she thinks this advice he’s relaying secondhand came from another child.

Mary Worth, 9/24/26

Sorry to not keep you up to date on what’s been happening in Mary Worth, but all that’s been happening in Mary Worth has been Nelly telling everyone about all the time Mary and Ian have been spending together, or other people telling each other what they’ve heard from Nelly. This has been going on for, like, a while, but she’s really going at it with dogged determination. Are you hearing impaired? Don’t think she’s going to withhold this information from you; she’s happy to yell it as loudly as necessary.

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Beetle Bailey, 9/5/26

Look, sometimes your partner is going to float some specific sexual kink — voyeurism, say — that you’re not on board with. How do you let them down gently? Many sexologists suggest deploying a terrible pun, which is widely recognized as the least erotic form of wordplay possible, as a good strategy to break the tension.

Dustin, 9/5/26

Gotta hand it to Dustin’s little friend here: obviously Dustin’s dad is the sort of guy who loves to rant about how the kids today with the selfies are ruining society, but is also a huge idiot who can barely work a phone, so by posing this question he was guaranteed either an entertainingly out-of-touch diatribe or a humiliating admission like this one.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/5/26

Oh, cool, the scam twins have been denied their chance to commit a major felony to avenge their uncle, so now they’re going to commit a major felony to get revenge on their uncle! This will be extremely fun, if it ever happens, which I’m sorry to report it almost certainly won’t.

Mary Worth, 9/5/26

oh no oh no where is Mary’s left hand where is Mary’s left hand