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Archive: Family Circus

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Sad I don’t get to keep saying “Man-Bot” forever

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Spider-Man, 1/23/14

Say what you will about this battle between the Amazing Spider-Man and a nefarious supervillain one of Iron Man’s obsolete and jury rigged armor suits controlled by a nefarious supervillain a local publishing magnate with the stakes being Spider-Man’s very life Spider-Man’s secret identity, but at least it represents recognizably superheroic activity, it’s lasted three weeks at this point, and Peter Parker hasn’t paused once to watch TV at any time during the process. But now it looks like 2014’s quota for action and excitement has all been used up, so Man-Bot is going to crash into that van in the most hilariously half-assedly drawn panel this strip has seen to date. Is Man-Bot suddenly as long as a van, even though previously it’s been shown as not much taller than an ordinary person? Is the metal of the van’s wall peeling outward, even though Man-Bot is punching through from the outside? Yes and yes, because why not and who cares!

Family Circus, 1/23/14

Oh, dear, it appears that Jeffy is really just asking for a good smiting from the creator God, is he not? Perhaps his family will be killed and he’ll be afflicted with boils and then God will serve up a long Book of Job style poem about how Jeffy doesn’t really know crap about creating a universe, hopefully with an sidebar about what lousy parents ostriches are. Maybe He’ll go with the ironic Twilight Zone method of enlightenment, eliminating all clouds (and therefore rain) from the Earth’s sky until everyone dies of thirst. Or maybe He’ll be more New Testament gentle, and just send an angel to patiently explain to Jeffy that without those clouds he would’ve blinded himself by pointing his telescope directly at the sun, what with it being in the middle of the day and all.

Phantom, 1/23/14

Hey, remember that time in 2005 when a blonde lady discovered the Skull Cave and then the Phantom erased her mind with mind-erasing drugs? Long story short, the Phantom is going to erase this lady’s mind with mind-erasing drugs.

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“Children? We don’t have any … JEFFY, GO BACK TO YOUR CLOSET”

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Family Circus, 1/20/13

It occurs to me that, despite frequent appearances by grandparents and evidence that both Keane parents come from fecund stock, we never really see aunts and uncles or cousins come visit the Keane Kompound, so I guess I always assumed they were both only children? If these mysterious grown-ups in the living room were siblings and/or siblings-in-law of some sort, you’d think their adorable li’l nephews and nieces would be given free reign to leap and drool all over them, rather than be ordered to watch sullenly from thirty feet away. Thus, I’m forced to assume that these are just a couple of random adults, and Dolly and Jeffy are occupying their non-parent-annoying time with nonsensical and vaguely sexually weird idle chit-chat.

Apartment 3-G, 1/20/13

Wow, that clergyman looks awful smug in panel one, doesn’t he? “Ha ha, I love it when a couple gets all sassy and goes off script during a wedding! I’m pretty sure my 45-minute sermon created a ‘safe space’ for this kind of creativity.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/20/13

Snuffy’s been seeing maniacally grinning demons with his own face for days now, presumably because of the corn likker and/or meth.

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The less said about whatever’s happening on the side of Billy’s torso, the better

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Family Circus, 1/14/14

Even though the hairstyle/mustache combo marks this out as a probable rerun from the ’70s, I have a hard time remembering ever seeing a gentleman engaged in educating the Family Circus youth before. It does seem to undermine the Natural Gender Order, which is obviously troubling! Still, today we learn why male teachers (or, as I call them, “malechers”) may actually help reach kids in ways that more typical lady-teachers can’t: Billy feels comfortable telling this guy, man-to-man, that he isn’t really very smart.

Heathcliff, 1/14/14

Let’s ignore the horror of a clearly sapient creature begging his current owner to not callously sell him to some monstrous stranger and instead ask: since Heathcliff clearly has no problem with being this pirate’s sidekick, what’s the parrot’s problem? Perhaps the pirate’s lack of a peg-leg marks him out as a poseur upon whose shoulder no self-respecting parrot would deign to sit.

Mary Worth, 1/14/14

Ken thinks that if he just arranges enough scenarios in which Mary to falls into peril from which she can only be saved by handsome actor Ken Kensington, she’ll eventually have to submit to his advances! But will she instead come to the conclusion that New York is a dangerous death trap? “Hmm, Jeff’s never saved my life … but then again, Jeff’s never had to save my life!” You’re playing a dangerous game, Kensington!