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Dennis the Menace, 8/24/13

Dennis dreams of fleas, monstrously huge fleas, fleas the size of dogs, fleas with a terrible thirst for blood that’s proportionate to their size, fleas that sink their awful probisci into hapless, screaming victims and drain them in an instant, then leap dozens of feet after the panicked citizens, covering the distance faster than any poor human can run. Dennis dreams of putting collars and leashes these beasts and bending them to his will, of gathering a bloodsucking army of nightmare-insects. Dennis is clearly increasing his menace levels in a hurry.

Family Circus, 8/24/13

“When will the lustful sin-urges finally leave their bodies and their minds? When will they finally be able to live together in chastity, like you two do?”

Blondie, 8/24/12

The joke is that Dagwood’s dead, right? He used to be alive, but now he’s dead?

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Wizard of Id, 8/23/13

Wizard of Id doesn’t go in for meticulously researched historical detail like Prince Valiant or whatever, but usually its strips include its pseudo-historical characters in its faux-medieval milieu, or at least people who might be plausibly presented as existing in said faux-medieval milieu, even if there are also jokey non-medieval angles to the gag. But today all of the strip’s 49 years of accumulated baggage has been cast aside so that we can enjoy this entirely contemporary joke. Not that it isn’t worth it, obviously, since the punchline is so original, so groundbreaking, that once it had been conceived of it would have been a literal crime against humanity to give it anything but the widest publication possible. (It’s about how kids today use computers instead of magazines, you see, and also about how the magazines in doctors’ offices are generally quite old.)

Family Circus, 8/23/13

Remember, old people aren’t better at hugging because their age and wisdom have opened their hearts more fully to the possibility of loving other human beings without judgement or fear. They’ve just done it more than you have! Have you ever been hugged by a child? It was awful, right? They’re terrible at it. They need more practice.

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Crankshaft, 8/20/13

Crankshaft’s crankiness secrets … revealed! It turns out that he isn’t just an implacable machine hard-wired for hate. He actually has to work at it. There’s a real danger that he might actually have a pleasant interaction with a child, and we can’t have that. Did it used to come more naturally to him? Is he going soft in his old age? The sort of chill up the spine normal people get when they forget why they walked into a room or can’t remember the name of a loved one — does Crankshaft experience that when he catches himself smiling in the mirror sometimes, or when he notices that he’s expressing a glimmer of affection for his family?

Family Circus, 8/20/13

Aww, isn’t this an adorable edition of Kids Say The Darndest Things About Death? “Congrats on being the grandfather who will die second, grandpa! Can I tug on your wrinkled, sagging face-flesh, which feels so different from my own young and supple skin? Whoa, you really yelp if I pinch it too hard! I guess you still have some felling left in it! Yep, you’re still our alive-grandpa! You know, for now.”