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Family Circus and Hagar the Horrible, 9/27/08

Two legacy strips check in with mind-bending unjokes today. Little Billy, having grown bored with physical violence, threats of physical violence, and crude insults, has decided to use some Philosophy 101 semantics and ontology to harass his sister. “Dolly, when is a thing not a thing? When do names not encode true meaning? Huh? Huh? Do you get it? Do you?” Dolly’s expression of anxiety proves that her big brother’s reign of terror is continuing on unchecked — only this time, she’ll have no bruises to show Mommy, so the torture will continue.

Meanwhile, Hagar is forcing an existential dilemma on his poor dog. “Why do you have to be what you are? Why can’t you be something else?” The idea that a question like “why” can even be applied to the essence of existence is enough to send anyone into paroxysms of depression — I didn’t make me! Why can’t love me as I am! Fortunately, Snert seems to have a great deal more self-assurance than Dolly, and is unfazed.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/27/08

You hear that, doc? You stay away from Niki, if you like that pretty little face of yours! And if there’s one thing we know about Rex, it’s that he likes that pretty little face of his.

Shoe, 9/27/08

I always assume that, when it appears in a newspaper comic strip, “dating” is a euphemism for “fucking,” which assumption really pays off when it comes to making this strip funnier. There’s a joke about hitting balls with clubs to be made here as well, but I leave that as an exercise for the reader.

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Pluggers, 9/22/08

Wait, are we expected to believe that Biblical patriarchs are pluggers now? Because … because I refuse to do so. I refuse, do you hear me! The great figures of the Old Testament were chosen by God to be the defining figures of their age, picked out to work the will of the Divine on Earth. This clashes with everything we know about pluggers, in that the latter are simple, self-effacing folk who don’t want any special recognition, and are also lazy and incompetent.

And I don’t even want to get into the theological implications of Noah being a terrifying beast-man, and what this says about his potential relationship with the other creatures in the ark.

Marmaduke, 9/22/08

Yeah, you tell ’em, Dottie! Your dog may be an insatiable, all-devouring hell-beast, but you can at least keep him from parading down the street with his collection of grisly trophies, the feet being the one part of a person that he for some reason refuses to eat.

Ballard Street, 9/22/08

This feature has previously supplied such disturbing characters as “Ass-Licking Dog” and “Coke-Sniffing Dog,” but I think that “S&M Dog” is a new low.

Family Circus, 9/22/08

“Or you could stop beating him, you heartless monster.”

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Family Circus, 9/21/08

The only Billy-related Family Circus trope I like better than “Billy is an angry little jerk” is “Billy is a jerk and then gets his terrible comeuppance.” Where are the parents in panel one to prevent Billy from committing the ultimate birthday-related sin: blowing out the candles on a sibling’s cake? But Mommy is there to prove that revenge is best served with a scoop of ice cream: because the absolute rigidity of gender roles is enforced from birth in the ultraconservative Keane Kompound, she knows that the ultimate punishment is to force Billy to briefly entertain the thought of wearing one of Dolly’s hideous dresses. Billy’s heartbroken expression as he tears open the box, along with Mommy and Dolly’s looks of smug satisfaction, make for an excellent payoff.

Slylock Fox, 9/21/08

If you squint at the solution to this mystery, you’ll learn that we’re expected to convict Reeky Rat because the clock in his loot bag is only a few minutes behind the actual time. As if 5 o’clock only happens once and never comes ’round again! John Law is just prejudiced against Reeky because he carries his totally legitimately borrowed items around in a burlap sack. Well, that’s how they do it down at the trailer park, OK? They don’t have platinum-encrusted Kate Spade bags or whatever it is you fancy city elitists use. JUSTICE FOR REEKY!

The Six Differences panels offer a glimpse at the legendary underground film A Dog’s Life In Amsterdam.

The Phantom, 9/22/08

The not terribly interesting Sunday Phantom storyline just wrapping up here involved these tribesfolk, living on their traditional diamond-lousy lands, being held hostage by sharps from the big city before Stripey Pants helped them out. But this strip is notable for the last panel of the second row and first panel of the third, as they indicate that the title of this adventure in the Skull Cave Archives is “How the Phantom Got Filthy Rich From His Diamond Monopoly.”