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For Better Or For Worse, 1/11/07

Here it is! The moment we’ve been waiting for since June! The moment when cheatin’ Paul is caught red-handed, Liz is emotionally devastated, worlds are shattered, great loves die, new ones begin! At last, it’s here! And it’s … it’s …

Kind of dull, actually.

Bunch of people standing around in the cold. Fully clothed. Nicely drawn exhalation vapor clouds, I’ll give them that. Some awkward glances. Car in the driveway. And … such.

Plenty of exposition, though. Yes, sir.

God damn, this is boring. I hate you, foobs. Every time I lower my expectations to meet what I think’s coming, you go even lower.

Apartment 3-G, 1/11/07

Hey, but you know who never fails to meet my expectations? Margo Magee, that’s who. Whether she’s throwing aside her last shred of dignity to win the heart of a rich older man, or insulting her roommates with zingers just obscure enough to make them wonder if they’re actually being insulted, she always comes through in the clutch.

I have to imagine that Margo is the master tenant in Apartment 3-G. Otherwise, I have no idea why her collection of overpriced designer turtleneck sweaters and her ass haven’t been dumped on the curb by an aggrieved Lu Ann and Tommie years ago.

Family Circus, 1/11/07

Several commentors have attempted to parse the dialogue here in relation to the phrase “cookie sandwich,” and how it applies to the relationship between Dagwood and his daughter, Cookie. It’s all very clever and naughty, but I think it misses the larger point, which is that Billy is making a lunch that consists entirely of Oreos and Wonder Bread. Clearly Mom has finally snapped and run off with the mailman, and Daddy’s passed out drunk (again), leaving the kids unsupervised and Billy in charge. The look on Jeffy’s face shows that he’s sort of dubious about this situation. Sure, cookie sandwiches are all well and good in the short term, but eventually they’ll run out of Oreos and/or Wonder Bread and who’s gonna buy more, huh?

The Lockhorns, 1/11/07

I think this is the first ever Lockhorns panel in which the feature’s patented brand of ennui-deadened hate is aimed by one half of the title couple at someone other than the other half of the title couple. Though you wouldn’t know it from their emotionally numb faces, this is a serious psychological breakthrough.

Leroy and Loretta have been locked in a vicious, evenly matched death struggle for decades, so if their negative energies were suddenly turned outwards, they’d leave a trail of dead and maimed in their wake. So look out, TSA goons! Your chastisement at the hands of Slylock Fox was just the beginning!

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The Family Cirus, 1/7/07

I had thought that the whole “childhood obesity epidemic” was something of an overblown moral panic. But that was before I saw the Family Circus clan celebrating their holiday weight gain. Kids! Competitive eating isn’t cool! Just because that freakishly thin Japanese guy can eat 78 hot dogs in an hour or whatever doesn’t mean you should try it at home.

Crock, 1/7/06

At first I thought the saddest thing about this Crock was that “WHUMP THUMP THUMP BUMP” was supposed to be music of some kind, probably rap music. Then I thought it was that the artist might actually believe that a boom box is a featureless grey box with a single button on the side. Then I thought it was that the whole “boom box” thing was a desperate stab at relevance at some kind for the “kids today.” Then I realized that trying to work out the saddest thing about this cartoon was in itself a deeply depressing exercize.

Judge Parker, 1/7/07

Oh man, Abbey’s misguided attempts to be a “cool parent” in Paris are going to be aweseome. She’s already getting Neddy drunk and they haven’t even landed yet. I can’t wait until Ned picks out the cutest boy, and Abbey has to go seal the deal. “My daughter, she is lovely, yes? You would like to make sweet Franco-American love to her, yes? I can make that happen.”

Mark Trail, 1/7/07

For those of you who can’t make out the type in the yellow box at the lower right that I’ve circled for you, it reads as follows:

Thanks to the Smithsonian Magazine, whose articles have been a useful resource for information used in Mark Trail.

Allow me to translate:

“Aw, CRAP! Deadline! CRAP! Uh … Sunday strip. Uh. What do we have lying around here? Hmm … Us Magazine … wow, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson … NO! FOCUS! Wait, what’s this? Smithsonian? Hmm, polar bears … melting ice caps … oh yeah, they’ll eat that crap up. That’s gold, baby!”

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Dennis the Menace, 12/15/06

I’m not sure why Dennis’ persistent and willfully non-menacing behavior makes me so mad, but it does, it does. Dennis, you had damn well be heading right for the aforementioned closet with the intention of sorting through all the presents, determining that most of them are “lame,” taking them back to the store where Mom bought them and exchanging them for cash, using that cash to buy the most powerful BB gun they’ll sell to a child, and then heading down to the overpass to shoot out the windshields of innocent motorists. That’s being a menace, by God.

By the way, if it’s December, any child with even the most basic concept of how numbers work knows exactly how many days there are left until Christmas. In America, that’s how most of us learn to subtract.

Mark Trail, 12/15/06

So is this it? Is Mark Trail just going to be all lonely, confused animals in the woods all the time now? Is it going to turn into Mutts? Is that it? No punching, just Mutts with a slightly broader species range of adorable creatures?

Rusty is looking more and more hideously deformed every day, and his front teeth are looking buckier and buckier. I’m beginning to think he’s caught beaver.

The Phantom, 12/15/06

Right, so, um, yesterday? When I said it would be awesome to see the president personally beat somebody up? Well, I was pretty much just joking. Turns out it actually makes me kind of uncomfortable. In President Luaga’s defense, though, Denton did take his glasses off in panel two, which totally means that he’s asking for it.

Family Circus, 12/15/06

“And Easter came before Halloween so that Zombie Jesus had a chance to get good and hungry for brains by October 31.”