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Mary Worth, 10/12/06

Oh, come on now: You know you’ve all idly thought about faking your own death, if only to see how people would react at your funeral. I think if I were Aldo — whether I was looking down on this mortal coil from my new home on a fluffy white cloud, or very much alive and hiding in the bushes, chortling with glee — I would derive a great deal of satisfaction from the sudden case of the squirmies that has beset our fearsome foursome here. It’s all the more obvious and awkward for them, considering that they seem to make up half the funeral party.

Curtis, 10/12/06

Not that we should expect the average tweenager to have an elaborate life plan in place, but I’m somewhat disturbed by Curtis’ two potential scenarios for getting out of his parents’ tiny apartment: Either he can become economically independent and a contributing member of society, or he can … get married. Speaking as someone who married a homeowner, I say go down path number two, Curtis. It’s a lot easier.

Zippy the Pinhead, 10/12/06

You know, you can be irritated by a comic day after day, but then once in a while you’re reminded why you still read it. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard a put-down as succinct, forceful, and useful in any situation as “Clam up, noseface!” I intend to put it to good use in the not-so-distant future, believe you me.

Family Circus, 10/12/06

See, this is why I’d be such a lousy grandparent: My response would be, “I don’t know Dolly, is your song going to be any good?”

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Slylock Fox, 8/26/06

Poor Count Weirdly! Why can’t he draw the plans for his new lair, to be built on federally protected wilderness land, in peace, without that damn fox detective keeping tabs on his routine real estate decisions? The sheer density of creepy critters in this cartoon indicates that he needs a mountaintop castle with a bit more space. I like the fact that the Count eschews chairs in favor of a stubby butt-supporting beast that he presumably whipped up in his lab.

Family Circus, 8/26/06

Portrait of a vacation that has gone on too long: Dolly fills PJ’s head with libelous lies, Jeffy refuses to blow his own nose, and Billy, holding a purse for some reason, looks ready to get into the car of whichever stranger offers him candy first. Meanwhile, Daddy seems to be contemplating how far he can get from his family if he just starts walking and never looks back.

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Family Circus, 8/19/06

As the Family Circus family’s rerun trip to Chicago wears on, I was struck by just how damn excited Billy looks here. Not only is he radiating lines of pure joy, but he’s actually drooling. Either he’s had a sudden epiphany and now realizes how global megacorporations control every aspects of our lives — from the names of our great sports stadiums to the manufacture and marketing of the cheapest of grocery items — or he really, really likes gum. Honestly, I’m betting on the latter. Dolly looks pretty thrilled by the prospect of chewing on some Doublemint too, but mom and dad just sport numb, stuporous looks. Presumably they’ve realized that all the money they’ve just spent on baseball tickets and overpriced hats and t-shirts — to say nothing of hotel and airfare — has gone to waste, because they could have entertained their kids just as much by giving them a dollar and sending them to 7-11 to get some Bubblicious.

Six Chix, 8/19/06

Oh my God, Paul needs a sex ed refresher, stat! DUDE, IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT.

Spider-Man, 8/19/06

Oh, wow. I for one have longed to refer to Spidey as a “costumed cretin” for some time. And to do it in an effete, slightly English accent. And to bash in the back of his head with a lead pipe. This has got to be the most satisfying Spider-Man ever.

In fact, this installment so pleased me that for a minute I failed to grasp its import. Spider-Man has singularly failed to battle a real live supervillain since April of 2005, and now we see why: he’s been easily neutralized by Narna’s totally non-super manservant. Why didn’t your spider-sense start tingling while Hugo was sneaking up on you with a bludgeon, Parker? Does it somehow magically not work on butlers? Christ.

Mary Worth, 8/19/06

Aldo’s fingers in panel two provide a good counterpoint to his dialog. I think he’s got a pretty accurate sense of the size of Mary’s black, shriveled heart.