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Slylock Fox, 7/6/08

Never mind Count Weirdly’s unnecessarily complex plastic-ice-cube-based alibi for his rather pedestrian Best Buy theft. How could the callous Count have left his menagerie of beasties alone without fresh food and water during his long trip? Whatever food the fish and the vulture were left with has been reduced to mere bones, and the hairy thing in the cage appears to just be urinating all over the floor. I don’t even want to think about how long it’s been since the brain in the jar has been watered. Perhaps Weirdly’s pointless computer crime was just an elaborate, roundabout way to get Slylock and Max to come and feed his pets, or possibly be eaten by them.

I love the aging hippie in the Six Differences. Perhaps he’s taking his grandson on a tour of America’s diners, his aging psychedelic van still blaring “Freedom Rock” out of the 8-track player as they roam our nation’s byways.

For Better Or For Worse, 7/6/08

Grandma Marion is learning the sad truth about the comics afterlife: despite the fact that you no doubt remember yourself as the ravishing young bride who actually wore the dress that you’re ectoplasmically helping to mend, you instead only get to come back as aged and potato-nosed. You’re also wearing an apron, because even in the Great Beyond, you’re expected to cook.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/6/08

The muscle-flexing, mustachioed cop in the next-to-last panel seriously led me to believe that this was the set-up for some kind of gay erotica. Since it involves the cast of Funky Winkerbean, it would be part of an extremely specific genre known as “mope porn.”

Mary Worth, 7/6/08

Speaking of mope porn … wow, Dr. Jeff has sure reached some kind of horrifying nadir of self-abasement. Will every man who lusts after Mary’s sensibly clad bod have his will broken before he can be truly worthy of her love? Aldo’s rough wooing was action of a sort, and though it led to his humiliation and horrible death, at least he didn’t spend his time slouching around the house drunkenly thought-ballooning at her picture.

Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/6/08

“Clam down” is going to be my new all-purpose reaction to people who sound like crazy men. If they are actually crazy, it’ll freak the hell out of them. “CLAM DOWN, MAN! CLAM DOWN! OYSTER! CLAM CLAM! BIVALVE!”

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I’m late to this party — but maybe a few final panels will help us put the Sunday funnies to bed.

For Better or For Worse, 6/29/2008

For Better or For Worse grinds its way toward another promised finish-line, creaking like a Ptolemaic orrery. Sure, we don’t like ’em now, but weren’t those kids just adorable back in the day?

Apartment 3-G, 06/29/2008

Hey, Margo remembered her mom’s birthday! Well, as a footnote to closing a deal between Luann and some shady nonprofit. But aww . . . sweet!

Crankshaft, 6/29/2008

Forty years on, little Jeffy Murdoch’s relationship with his mother hasn’t progressed a bit.

Mary Worth, 6/29/2008

Stay tuned for another exciting week of “Mary screens her calls.”

— Uncle Lumpy

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For Better or For Worse, 6/27/2008

OK, after a full week of this, we get it: Michael’s a brat and Elly’s overwhelmed. But how on earth do those other comic moms do it? Let’s go see!

Curtis, 6/27/2008

Oh, you do not mess with Diane Wilkins — Curtis knows it, Greg knows it, and I’m willing to bet God knows it. I give author Ray Billingsley a lot of richly-deserved grief, but his characters act like people. Who doesn’t know — and secretly fear — a force of nature like Diane?

Funky Winkerbean, 6/27/2008

Linda Lopez-Bushka is quieter, but no less effective. Jinx has been thwarting Bull’s incompetent attempts to bond, so Mom shows them both how it’s done. And engineers a pleasant summer in a quiet house with the soaps on and her feet up.

Crankshaft, 6/27/2008

With this strip, Crankshaft finally reaches the lower limit of what can reasonably be called “wordplay.” Jeff Murdoch there is Ed Crankshaft’s son-in-law, an ineffective, self-pitying drudge who hates his vicious harridan of a mother, yet is moving her into his home, possibly because it’s the only way he can cause her pain. It’s true: Ed Crankshaft is the comic relief in this strip.

Gah, I can’t close the week on that note! Let’s see some bonus panels!

Family Circus, 6/27/2008

Yes, Billy, and “LAME” is an adjective. But look how the tyke’s melon head has grown, and the mouth with it! A few months more and its blackness will consume the entire frame, matching the artwork to the captions at last.

Judge Parker, 6/27/2008

Judge P. comes back after eighteen months and promptly leaves on vacation. Who does this guy think he is — Josh?

— Uncle Lumpy