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Slylock Fox, 8/13/12

Today’s strip truly shows the limits of Slylock’s philosophy, and indeed of his life’s work. Sure, his keen powers of observation have allowed him to easily identify the defects in the new royal timepiece. But his simplistic deduction can’t help uncover the structural defects in Princess Pussycat’s government that have contributed to this debacle. What are the flaws in the government contracting process that allowed the monarch to spend thousands of tax coins on a luxury item that doesn’t even work properly? Shouldn’t there have been some sort of inspection before money changed hands? Does the freakish long-necked bird-person have a good reputation in the clock-building world, or did he get this job by personal connections or through a bribe to a lower-level government official? And of course, now that he’s gotten that sack of money, it’ll take more than a little ratiocination to claw it back from him, shoddy workmanship or no.

B.C., 8/13/12

Oh, the silly, superstitious cave-man, running off in terror because he believed a bleached, dried human skull was speaking to him! In fact, the talking was coming from two giant ants inside the skull, and they were talking to each other, in English, which isn’t something to be scared of at all.

Dennis the Menace, 8/13/12

Dennis is eager to close this deal, since he knows from experience that his thoughts and opinions aren’t worth anything.

Ziggy, 8/13/12

In order to feel better about himself, Ziggy has started watching the Failure Channel.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/13/12

Say, do you enjoy the overall oppressive sense of gloom that hovers over Funky Winkerbean, but feel that the strip falls down on the job wen it comes to having its less appealing characters sharing way too much personal information and whining about not getting enough action? Well, today’s strip is for you, my friend!

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Apartment 3-G, 8/10/12

You know, in most forms of narrative, when a small but out-of-the ordinary event happens — like, say, a job applicant failing to include a reference’s phone number on his resume, but happening to have it on a business card — you sort of file it away in the back of your mind as potentially significant. But since this is a soap opera comic strip, it’s probably a safe assumption that the entire pointless action in today’s installment only exists to kill time and means nothing and will never be mentioned again. Which, frankly, is a good thing, because I have a hard time imagining a plot so boring that it hinges on The Mysterious Episode Of The Phone Number That Wasn’t On The Resume But Was Easily Provided Separately.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/10/12

Hey, everyone, Wally Winkerbean is working through his PTSD with the help of an adorable therapy dog, and is involved in a healthy romantic relationship! Don’t worry, though, he’s still perpetually haunted by the grim spectre of death.

Pluggers, 8/10/12

Pluggers urge their sports heroes to viciously injure their opponents in career-ending and crippling ways.

Ziggy, 8/10/12

I’m not sure if I’d trust a doctor who reads off of continuous feed paper printed out of his dot matrix printer, and who has a certificate hanging on his wall that just says “Doctor” on it. But then, I guess Ziggy can’t really afford decent medical care, what with his explicitly acknowledged poverty and all.

Mary Worth, 8/10/12

“I mean, can you believe it? Everyone fucking hates that song! The boat probably committed suicide out of shame.”

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Marvin, 8/7/12

So Marvin is celebrating its 30th anniversary by having baby Marvin travel to his own future with his 30-year-old grown-up self. The time-travel process caused baby Marvin to spontaneously become 30 years old himself, despite the fact that travelling back in time didn’t turn 30-year-old Marvin into a baby, and if there’s one thing that offends me almost as much as constantly gleeful poop jokes, it’s inconsistent rules for time travel within a fictional universe.

Also, if you’re curious, the next thirty years will be an unending grind of economic malaise, and babies born today will never have the financial independence that generations of Americans have taken for granted! I’m kind of missing the poop jokes now, actually.

Mark Trail, 8/7/12

In a shockingly non-predictable development, Rusty was not captured by the sheep killers, who will now presumably menace the entire Mark-less Trail clan with their sinister, looming foreheads. I was going to say that the worry that Rusty would head right to some prison warden to show off his pictures is kind of bizarre, but you know what, it’s not like the kid has any friends his own age, paling around with some mid-level bureaucrat in the local Department of Corrections makes as much sense as anything else.

Mary Worth, 8/7/12

A lifetime of disappointments has trained Wilbur to set his expectations very, very low. “Well, this vacation didn’t end in our deaths! I guess we can call it … mostly enjoyable?”

Funky Winkerbean, 8/7/12

Haw haw, ladies sure be hatin’ their bodies, amiright fellas