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Pearls Before Swine, 9/21/09

Pearls Before Swine parodies Apartment 3-G. Poor Margo.

Edge City, 9/21/09

Last holiday: avoid bread products. Next holiday: promote bread products. Religion is so complicated.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/21/09

For some real money, try ‘Pie-the-Author’: you can pick up cowpies free at any dairy farm.

Dick Tracy, 9/21/09

What? The clown? The one we saw with a blunderbuss back in July? Say it ain’t so!

Judge Parker, 9/21/09

OK blah blah blah Gloria Sanchez sure is hot blah blah blah blah. Got it.

Mark Trail, 9/21/09

Hey, if it’s a good idea to just leave him bob, put him in the water!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Family Circus, 9/17/09

Grandma knows that she’ll only be given time to tend to her methodical clothes-folding in peace if she manages to say something so confusing to whatever idiot grandchild is jabbering at her that they’ll wander off in despair. Fortunately for her, her grandchildren are very easy to confuse.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/17/09

Ah, yes, why not just have the text push out the boring pictures entirely from here on in, so we can sit back and enjoy panel after panel of self-justification?

Luann, 9/17/09

The inside of Brad’s head is even more troubled than I could have imagined. For one thing, he apparently believes his parents’ marriage to be a loveless sham.

Gil Thorp, 9/17/09

Say what you will about Marty Moon, but you can never doubt his total commitment to his job. Today, for instance, he bravely continues his play-by-play of the Milford football season opener, despite the fact that he’s clearly been abducted and sealed up in a wooden shipping crate.

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Gil Thorp, 9/15/09

Yes, Gil Thorp’s fall sports action is about to begin, and it looks like the coaching staff (including seldom seen non-Kaz Assistant Coach Beardy McBeardster) has already pretty much written the whole season off, because they’ll still be paid the same win or lose, so why bother? Sure, let’s put known snitch and killjoy Robb Larue in as running back, why not; after all, the offensive plan will mostly consist of the terrified quarterback hurling the ball downfield at random as he runs towards the sideline, shrieking in terror, so he can’t hurt anything. At least Robb will be able to impress some girls with his new starting position — girls who aren’t repulsed by DISLOYALTY, anyway.

When I saw the reference to a pass-happy offense, I assumed that the team would be going with the crazy Wing-T offense they used as a last-game bit of showmanship from the previous season, but it turns out the Wing-T storyline was from two years ago, and it’s actually a running offense, anyway. I’m much more embarrassed about my inability to instantly recall Gil Thorp narrative chronology than by my lack of football smarts.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/15/09

Not that I’ve seen either of these plays, but Broadway musicals generally have enormous casts and elaborate sets, and require musical accompaniment of some sort; they are, literally, huge productions, and would be an enormous pain in the ass for a high school drama department to put on. Pulitzer Award-winning drama, conversely, can generally be put on with minimalist staging, because it’s artier that way. But, you know, go ahead and defend your choices on the grounds of “cancer is awesome, embrace death before it embraces you,” if that’s what does it for you.

Mary Worth, 9/15/09

Oh, well, I guess serial fiancée Adrian Corey decided that she finally felt ready to merge in complete wholeness with Officer Scott after, what, a whole hour and a half of soul searching? Or maybe she just wanted to taunt or possibly blind Mary with the ring, who knows. Anyway, I sure hope she got around to telling Scott that she had decided to accept his rash, ill-thought-out proposal before he headed out for the inevitably botched “Operation H-Town,” because explaining things to his bullet-ridden corpse is going to be awkward and unsatisfying.