Archive: Funky Winkerbean

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Funky Winkerbean, 12/22/17

I think we can all agree that the worst part of the Funkyverse is the endless smirking, and today’s strip contains what might be the most malignant example I’ve seen in years. This guy just bought a book about Les’s dead wife/Darin’s dead bio-mom for his wife — who, in a stunning third-panel twist, turns out to also be dead. Les and Darin smirk meaningfully at each other. Nailed it! they’re thinking. People who have lost loved ones are gonna make us rich!

Gil Thorp, 12/22/17

Hey guys, did you know that people who declared bankruptcy don’t have the right to have opinions about their nephews playing sports? True story! Looks like Rick Soto’s back in the game!

Mary Worth, 12/22/17

“I have plans… I’m going to be capturing Iris’s soul in a steaming hot cup of coffee, using Andean magic I learned on a remote Colombian coffee farm. That way she can never leave me! Wait, did I say that out loud?”

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Mark Trail, 12/8/17

Oh, wow, this plotline very quickly went from baffling avant-garde theater to the least arousing gay pornography anyone could possibly imagine.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/8/17

I’ve been sitting here for five minutes (the maximum amount of consecutive time my doctor and my family have told me I’m allowed to think about Funky Winkerbean) trying to figure out what “Now this is something I can relate to” is supposed to mean here. Like, he … enjoys taking baths in public fountains? Or at least can relate to the impulse? Or is it just that he, like the ducks, takes a shower every morning? And what’s up with the “now” part? Was the entire trip to one of America’s great historic cities wholly unrelatable to this schlub from the rust belt suburbs of northeastern Ohio up to this point? I’m definitely sure I’ve put more thought into this than anyone who worked on this strip, whose main concern was probably “How can I write that trip to Memphis off on my taxes?”

Six Chix, 12/8/17

It’s true what they say: Christmas does come earlier every year! Like, I swear, Christmas music has been on the radio for weeks know, and people usually don’t start feeling like a tradition that arose to show love and appreciation to your loved ones in the spirit of the gifts brought to the baby Jesus had devolved into a materialistic, transactional zero-sum game until at least December 15th.

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Crankshaft, 12/6/17

Every year Crankshaft takes a job as a mall Santa, and every year he’s a sullen dick about it, like he always is about everything. This year the mall closed down, though, and Crankshaft felt bad about that, presumably because he missed being cruel to children. Now it appears Lillian has hired him to play Santa in the unlicensed book store she runs over her garage, which as far as I know has never had a customer, so I guess she just wants him to sit there scowling in the suit all day while she putters around, which I dearly hope is not a sex thing.

Mary Worth, 12/6/17

“I just made a very expensive purchase and our entertainment budget is a bit crimped at the moment. On a completely unrelated note, what would you say the resale value of, just to pick something at random, all of our kitchen appliances would be?”

Funky Winkerbean, 12/6/17

I bet when you give this tour in Memphis, when you get to this part you have old white people loudly finishing your sentences for you and trying to change the subject a lot.