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Gil Thorp, 12/7/08

Say what you will about Gil Thorp — that it’s confusing and irritating, that its relationship to actual teenage athletics is tenuous at best, that its rapidly shifting narrative and visual perspectives can induce nausea and seizures — but at least it’s unpredictable! By this, I mean that the storylines often seem to point to one obvious and lame denouement, then suddenly zig in another direction that’s equally unsatisfying but has the added benefit of also not making sense in terms of what came before. Thus, for a while we’ve been set up to have the ’Czak foisted onto Prep Spotlight Live From Marty Moon’s Basement as the dotty Kelly Ripa to Marty’s exasperated, avuncular Regis; however, it’s now clear that the 6′ 9″ heart attack waiting to happen will be cohosting the show with his best pal Matt the Hat, with Marty nowhere to be seen. Presumably he’s tied up in the back room, watching in horror as these two clowns wear stupid clothes and flash up phony gang signs; or perhaps his TV overlords simply gave him his “severance package” (i.e., a case of discount gin) and shoved him in the general direction of his car.

Gasoline Alley, 12/6/08

When I think about Gasoline Alley at all, my thoughts are usually driven by my unreasoning entirely reasonable hatred of Slim, so I was annoyed to see that he’d be the focus of the Christmas-themed storyline. But now that I see that said storyline will involve him being urinated on, I’m beginning to rethink my opinions on the matter.

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Gasoline Alley, Dennis the Menace, Blondie, and Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/24/08

Hey, remember a while back when Blondie hit its 75th birthday party and the whole comics page was forced, apparently at gunpoint, to celebrate that achievement of inertia? Well, today is the 90th anniversary of the launch of Gasoline Alley, and its longevity is being celebrated by the entire industry these three insanely long-running legacy strip: Barney Google and Snuffy Smith (almost as old at 89, though Snuffy Smith himself did not appear until 1934), Blondie (now 78 years old, showing itself still classy with this reach-around), and Dennis the Menace (a relative baby at 57).

The Gasoline Alley strip itself rather nicely gives us a look at the first three men who worked on the feature; we shall know current artist Jim Scancarelli only as a enormous and terrifying disembodied hand, at least until the strip’s 120th anniversary in 2038. Of the tributes, Blondie wonders if it will be on top of its game, with side-splitting joke after side-splitting joke about giant sandwiches and workplace abuse, fifteen years from now; Barney Google transforms beloved Gasoline Alley patriarch Walt into some kind of pinheaded monster from the depths of your worst nightmares; and Dennis the Menace is too boring to merit further typing on my part, so I’ll stop right here.

Mark Trail, 11/24/08

Say, remember last year when Mark had some kind of extremely half-assed flirtation with Sam Hill, sexy biologist, that was entirely one-sided (and not on Mark’s side) and led to absolutely nothing? Well, apparently it elicited lots of angry letters to Mark Trail headquarters about the sanctity of marriage and whatnot, because now every time we get even a glimpse of what I guess is supposed to be the quarter-assed flirtation between Mark and Sue the Confused Industrialist, one or both of them reflexively start blathering on about his joyless, asexual marriage. Today Jack Elrod has decided to dedicate his artistic skill to one of those awesome crabs with one freakishly large claw, and who can blame him when his other option is to draw these two dopes totally not coming on to one another?

Aren’t those giant crab-claws the result of sexual selection? Perhaps this symbolizes something about this slow-motion love triangle — like, maybe Cherry is about to show up and bludgeon Sue to death with her enormous forearm.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/24/08

Well, our long-promised Morgan Family Cruise Boat Adventure is finally here, after a brief interlude for yachting hijinks (this being Rex Morgan, three and a half months really does count as “brief”). Anyway, we’ll soon find out what sort of nautical medical drama Rex will have to deal with on this dreadful voyage — Legionnaires’ disease? nausea? boredom? — but for the moment, I’d just like to point out that in the world Rex Morgan, M.D., the taxicab industry is dominated by Rastafarians, or at least by dudes in rasta hats.

Herb and Jamaal, 11/24/08

Ha ha! It’s funny because Mexican food makes defecating uncomfortable!

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Herb and Jamaal, 11/17/08

Far be it for me to tell hard-working cartoonists how to do their jobs … oh, wait, actually, it turns out that that’s exactly what my schtick is. Anyway, clearly ketchup is the wrong vaguely edible item to be used as the lynchpin of this joke. I think virtually all American bachelors have ketchup in their refrigerators. Quite a few probably have only ketchup in their refrigerators. Back when I was a bachelor, I had generally had in my refrigerator mayonnaise, milk, butter, barbecue sauce, leftover Chinese food, and a bottle of ketchup — even though I never really put ketchup on anything, I just sort of felt like it was something I had to have. It’s the Default American Condiment.

Anyway, this comic would have worked better if Herb had asked for, say, that mysterious gooey pink sauce you get in packets with Chinese take-out. I was going to try to figure out the name for that substance, but then I realized that “that mysterious gooey pink sauce you get in packets with Chinese take-out” also worked better in the Herb and Jamaal oeuvre. Of course, it would be kind of weird for Herb to want to put that stuff on his hamburger, but it’s also kind of weird that he’s eating a hamburger that’s roughly eighteen inches across, so who am I to say what’s normal in this scenario.

Mary Worth, 11/17/08

As a fan of laughably concretized metaphors, I’m glad to see that Lynn is shredding things, just like her father shreds her soul. I’ve had cats that dealt with life’s stresses in much the same way. Unfortunately, what with the strip’s typically inscrutable art, I can’t tell if she’s shredded the designer scarf daddy bought her for Christmas in July or just some random topo maps she keeps around for emo acting-out purposes. Anyway, I hope that she’s worked all this angst out of her system so that she can take off her casual purple lounging track suit and put on that kicky stripey blue t-shirt and face the world with a smile!

Gasoline Alley, 11/17/08

I can’t tell you why exactly, but after multiple Gasoline Alley storylines that I’ve more or less ignored completely, I’m suddenly riveted by the tale of Slim and Clovia’s financial woes. But Slim contemplating injuring himself terribly for money may have something to do with it.