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Slylock Fox, 9/3/18

It’s hard to deny that the new animal regime of which Slylock is the enforcer has a human problem. Humans make up a vanishingly tiny portion of post-animalpocalypse Earth’s sapient population, but it seems like Slylock is constantly being called on to deal with their petty crimes and disputes. Of course, the fact that humans are a despised, impoverished minority who just lost what must have been a bloody and devastating war to the regime has nothing to do with this, so the animals in their benevolence have decided to confine the humans to a beautiful rural area along with the few animals who never made the Change, where they can steal each other’s omelettes in relative peace.

Gil Thorp, 9/3/18

It’s time for the Gil Thorp fall storyline, and the Gil Thorp fall storyline is about insufferable cineastes. Remember a few years back when the local tattoo parlor used bootleg DVDs as a loss leader, except the DVDs turned out not to be bootleg after all? Well, by making cinematic entertainment seem “edgy” and “cool,” that long-departed tattooist planted the virus of cinematic appreciation in the minds of the local youth, and now the kids all have home theaters and 2001 posters and obsessions with mid-’90s indie films and whatnot. I desperately hope we see each and everyone one of these children get repeatedly stuffed into lockers by the football team, who just want to bring pride to the community by tackling people and don’t want to get drawn into tedious arguments about auteur theory.

Dick Tracy, 9/3/18

Hey buddy! I know when you got into the drug-dealing game someone probably said “this stuff sells itself!” but that’s a bit of an exaggeration. You have to at least tell the kids that you’re selling drugs before they’ll buy it. You can’t just lean against a pole thought-ballooning about it!

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/1/18

Ah, Snuffy and Lukey are having a good laff, over the idea of a whole Congression’l District of Smifs! Of course, none of Snuffy’s relatives would have any intention of voting, paying taxes, obeying laws that restrict their whims, or otherwise buying into the scam of representative democracy. That’s why it’s so funny!

Dick Tracy, 9/1/18

I get that Sam and Dick are pleased, but those aren’t “Yay, we’re going to solve a mystery!” smiles. Those are “Looks like someone’s about to be shot multiple times in the face while ‘resisting arrest’” smiles.

Crankshaft, 9/1/18

Hey guys, for total verisimilitude, please go back and read the last year or so of Crankshaft, strips, and for every one that takes place on his bus, imagine a faint but distinct odor of stale vomit.

Gil Thorp, 9/1/18

I guarantee you that Gil has whined about “participation trophies” at some point in his life, but it appears the punchline for this summer’s golf storyline is “not cheating is basically winning!!!!” Bring on the bonfire, I’m begging you

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Mark Trail, 8/28/18

Oh, wow, a genuine twist! It seems that Rusty and Mara’s lovable pal/personal chauffeur Jose is in on the artifact-napping ring! I’m not sure if taking Rusty and Mara directly to the location where the big artifact exchange was going down and letting them roam around unsupervised while drool-napping was the master plan laid out by “Joe”‘s presumably gringo bosses, or if our guy is just too darn sleepy to be an effective henchman. But the important thing we’ve learned is that, while north of the border a “gig” is a woman who enjoys sex, south of the Rio Grande it refers to “an elaborate scheme to plunder Mexico’s cultural heritage.” Please make a note of it.

Gil Thorp, 8/28/18

Gil has finally decided how he’s going to combat cheating: he’s going to have his own very special Milford Invitation Golf Tournament To Which No Cheaters Are Invited! I mean, presumably this tournament doesn’t have the prestige of whatever tournament the cheating kids got to go to, but, when you think about it, how much prestige does any given golf tournament have, anyway, I mean, really, come on, it’s frickin’ golf, man.