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Gil Thorp, 4/6/17

I guess the Gil Thorp baseball season non-FOIA storyline is going to be about the mysterious history between Ryan Van Auken and Pete De Windt, but for my money it’d be a lot more fun if they just decided to create a marketing blitz around their shared Dutch heritage. You know, posing for pictures wearing wooden shoes and sticking their fingers into holes in the local water-control infrastructure, that sort of thing. Think of the nicknames! The “Dutch Connection!” The “Erasmuslijn!” The “Flemish Block!” [Gil calls a press conference] “Look, guys, these are kids, and I’m not sure how we were supposed to know that was the name of a far-right Flemish nationalist party in the ’80s and ’90s.” [Gil calls another press conference after a Marty Moon investigation finds extensive posts from mudlark_van_auk3n and petedeWIN on neo-nazi and Dutch supremacist message boards] “Look, guys…” [Gil closes his eyes and holds the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger for a long time without saying anything]

Mark Trail, 4/6/17

Wouldn’t it be great if Mark walked away from this kidnapper’s attempt to rope Mark into his crimes and we just never heard from him or his victim ever again? “What a strange man I met at the airport, Johnny!” [They spend the next eight to twelve weeks taking a census of black-footed ferrets]

Mary Worth, 4/6/17

Look how incredibly jazzed Mary and Toby are about the cruise ship crew not immediately losing their luggage within hours of their coming aboard! Their expectations are set extremely low, and which is always the best way to approach a vacation experience. They’ll almost certainly be pleasantly surprised when a norovirus fails to kill them!

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Mark Trail, 4/3/17

Oh, man these guys are dastardly criminals indeed! Not only are they callous about Billy having tasted hot lead, but they’re also defeating government facial recognition software, through the power of scowling! Sadly, their faces are now stuck that way. Their kidnapee is correct to just sort of stand around sadly in the background waiting for them to decide what to do with her even though nobody’s really paying attention to her. They’re stone cold loco!

Gil Thorp, 4/3/17

Whoops, it looks like basketball season and the tale of Aaron Aargard the Opioid Orphan have been wrapped up without us even finding out if the basketball teams went to the playdowns? Now we’re abruptly starting baseball season, which will apparently involve journalism shenanigans of some kind. Unless Dafne’s FOIA request was part of an investigation into whether a well-respected local jurist is keeping a bunch of hungry teens prisoner in her basement.

Crankshaft, 4/3/17

Lillian is about to find out that the only literary pursuit less lucrative than running a used bookstore in your garage is actually writing a book.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/3/17

I assume that, like many developing nations in Africa and Latin America, Hootin’ Holler routinely gets shipments of clothes donated by various charities. Apparently they just got a big box of sassy teal empowerment shirts from the late ’80s or early ’90s, along with a bunch of “BUFFALO BILLS SUPERBOWL XXVI CHAMPIONS” hoodies.

Hagar the Horrible, 4/3/17

Ha ha, it’s funny because Hagar and Lucky Eddie are going to be executed, for their many crimes!

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Mark Trail, 3/31/17

Whoa, whoa, whoa there Mark Trail, after boring, interminable days of black-footed ferret and prairie dog survey talk and even more boring, interminable days of Mark taking Rusty fishing and promising to take Rusty and Cherry on a trip to Mexico at some unspecified time in the future, which was so boring and interminable that I didn’t even bother discussing it here, we have some abrupt whiplash as we’re suddenly thrust into the seedy, violent South Dakota underworld. I guess Johnny and Mark are going to do less ferret/prairie dog counting and more punching and/or avoiding getting shot! It would be “too bad” if they fell victim to gunplay.

Gil Thorp, 3/31/17

Wait wait hold up: Ken Brown’s mom is the same judge who put erstwhile Most Unpleasant Mudlark Barry “Darth” Bader’s dad in jail last year? Frustratingly, I didn’t post any of the strips where she appears, but I’m pretty sure this is her, plus how many Mudlarks could possibly have judge moms, anyway? Sure, she her name is “Hiatt,” not Brown, but a liberal feminazi who refuses to take her husband’s name is exactly the sort of judicial activist who thinks an upstanding businessman who maybe had a drink or two should go to prison just because he killed someone with his car.

Beetle Bailey, 3/31/17

Man, if you need a quick primer on the priorities of the staff of Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, compare the loving, idyllic representation of a golf course in panel two to the featureless void that is General Halftrack’s office in panel one.

Mary Worth, 3/31/17

“Oh, you welcome all helpful hints?” asks Mary. Her eyes glow a dull red. “You’re voluntarily requesting helpful hints from me,” she says. Her jaw unhinges and the top of her head flips back, revealing an infinitely black maw. “I have so many helpful hints to give you. So many.” A terrible fluttering of filthy wings blots out first all other sounds and then the sun, yet somehow they can still hear her. “SO MANY. SO HELPFUL.”