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Shoe, 9/11/17

One of the main things I will remembered for long after my death is coining the term “nephewism,” which now has its own TV Tropes entry, and basically describes a common trope where the protagonist is cared for by an aunt and/or uncle with no actual parents around. Sometimes this is mined for creative backstory once the world of the strip has been established (as in the case for Spider-Man, which is what I made up the word to describe); other times, as in Shoe, it mainly serves to graft a younger character into the world of an established one without having to create a sexual life for the latter. Who are Skyler’s parents? How long has he lived with his Uncle Cosmo, who clearly barely tolerates him? We haven’t gotten much information on the rest of the Fishhawk family, which is why the Perfesser’s mention of his grandfather (Skyler’s great-grandfather) is kind of poignant. “Yep, grandpa used to lure fish into the boat by keeping his mouth filled with worms, which sounds disgusting but it’s not, because we’re birds! As birds, we’re actually pretty well known chewing up disgusting bugs and whatnot and then regurgitating them into mouths of our young. So if you think about it, this was actually a very tender and paternal move on my grandfather’s part, right up until he ate the fish. Just like he ate your parents. Oh no, I’ve said too much.”

Gil Thorp, 9/11/17

In slightly more realistic nephew-oriented scenarios, today’s Gil Thorp sets us up for the football season with a new character: Rick, who’s living with an uncle who he probably doesn’t know so well and who still thinks of him as a kid. What happened to Rick’s parents? I dunno, but after the decidedly dull summer plot, I am 100% ready for the story of the cargo-jeans-wearing Uncle Gary, who’s like a pageant mom only instead making his little daughter enter beauty pageants he’s making his teenage nephew enter talent shows down at the Elk’s Lodge, which he somehow thinks will jump-start a rocket ride to success for both of them.

Slylock Fox, 9/11/17

Most of these audience members are smiling because they’re excited to see a magic trick performed. Not Slylock, though! Slylock’s smiling because he knows this “magic trick” is going to suck, and that the rest of the crowd is going to be furious. “They’re gonna tear this clown apart,” he thinks, smugly.

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Funky Winkerbean, 9/7/17

Oh, hey, remember when beloved Hollywood big shot Mopey Pete went to Ohio and “found something that interested him,” and that thing was a lady, in whom he was interested in for sex? Well, that lady was Crankshaft’s granddaughter Mindy, now ten years older than she is in the Crankshaft-era of this bifurcated continuity that I’m being compelled against my will into thinking and caring about. We’ve been teased before that maybe in the ten-years-later Funky-era Crankshaft himself is a vegetative husk mouldering away in a nursing home somewhere, but maybe today’s the day when we finally find out if that’s true? Definitely a strong third date move is to bring a guy to see your comatose grandfather, and say “This guy used to be a real asshole, but he can’t hurt your feelings with a cutting, punny remark now!”

Gasoline Alley, 9/7/17

Oh, hey, remember the sexual competition between Rufus and Elam for the affections of the Widder Huffington? Well, Elam shaved and won her heart, and Rufus wandered off to parts unknown to nurse his grief, and now the Huffington kids have been left to roam the countryside unsupervised while Elam and their mom presumably have nonstop sex in her ramshackle hovel. At least their incongruously modern bike helmets will reduce their chances of massive head injury!

Gil Thorp, 9/7/17

Oh, hey, remember when Gil Thorp summer plots used to be fun, or at least have some semblance of a narrative arc? Welp, too bad, because this year we just got Jaquan musing about maybe playing pro football, and then Heather talking him into getting an utterly pointless humanities graduate degree instead, and Jaquan promising to help her get a coaching gig when she goes to college next year, and, hey, look at the time, is it after Labor Day already? Guess we better wrap this up before football season starts! The only question left unanswered is whether or not Gil looked up from his phone as he mumbled platitudes at Jaquan about how the only person he needs to prove anything to is himself or whatever.

Mark Trail, 9/7/17

Oh man, probably every single Mark Trail from here on in won’t end with a close up of a wildly spinning weather vane and a “GRRIIIINND” sound effect, but wouldn’t it be great if it did?

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Pluggers, 9/4/17

Pluggers has been around for nearly 25 years, and even taking “Plugger Classics” into account, that means thousands of Pluggers suggestions have been harvested over the years. So I understand that the reserves are probably getting low, what with the ever-increasing plugger mortality rate, but still: “You’re a plugger if your younger brother is phyiscally larger than you?” I genuinely hate to see the plugger brand diluted like this.

Dennis the Menace, 9/4/17

By raising Dennis in a snug white-collar bubble and never letting him encounter anyone required to work on a holiday, his parents are going to ensure that he becomes the worst menace imaginable.

Gil Thorp, 9/4/17

I admit it: I’ve never been a professional athlete. But I have gotten a master’s degree in history, and I want to assure Heather and Jaquan that it is not the nonstop thrill ride that everyone says it is. Chances of concussion: significantly lower than the NFL. Chances of your love of learning and your social life withering away as you spend all your time with passive-aggressive introverts who are all ultimately competing for the same vanishingly small pool of academic jobs: significantly higher.