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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/9/15

Say what you will about our man Snuffy’s book learnin’, moral fiber, or long-term planning skills, but you have to admire him as a savvy realist. For instance, he’s well aware of the dysfunctional nature of the polity he lives in. He watched those fancy flatlander politicians from the state government cut the ribbon on the project that finally brought plumbing to Hootin’ Holler and thought, “Who’s gonna maintain them pipes? Folks around here? The guv’ner? The revenooers? Don’t want none for my shack, no thanks.”

Gil Thorp, 5/9/15

Looks like True’s awkward flirting is going great! “Why, yes, I have read one of the most beloved novels of the 20th century, one assigned to millions of high school students in their English classes! Mmmm, smell this hamburger, it smells like smug literacy.”

Heathcliff, 5/9/15

Never mind why Heathcliff’s owner-grandma seems scandalized by cats who aren’t wearing clothes: what’s Heathcliff’s owner-grandpa holding in his hand? Are those … calipers? Going to be working real hard at not thinking about the intersection between cat nudism and calipers for the next couple of days, thanks.

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Gil Thorp, 5/8/15

One thing I genuinely love about Gil Thorp is that sometimes the wacky teen characters they introduce for a plot in one sport vanish entirely when the season’s over, and sometimes they have starring roles in other sports, and sometimes they just show up in the background, and you’re never sure how it’s going to go! Anyway, it turns out that easygoing football phenom True Standish, who led Milford to its first title in decades, is also playing baseball for some reason, and will be romancing prickly, sassy “Boo” Radley. Will he finally suffer the career-ending injury we’ve all known is coming, by flirting so awkwardly that he ruptures something?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/8/15

“Negative vibes? Good lord, am I married to … a hippie?”

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So ends the Comics Curmudgeon 2015 Spring Fundraiser. Sincere thanks to everybody for your generosity/patience. We now resume our regularly scheduled programming.

Dick Tracy, 4/25/15

Heckuva plan there, Abe. I mean, nobody coulda seen that coming, right? Also, I admire your use of “enlisted” instead of the less delicate “forced at gunpoint.”

Funky Winkerbean, 4/25/15

“Gosh, Cindy, thanks for the offer ‘n’ everything, but as it happens, Mason Jarr the Hollywood Actor and I are already on excellent terms from having collaborated for weeks on the failed movie version of my horrible misery porn book Lisa’s Story about my dead wife, Lisa, who died. You may even recall that I was the one who introduced you to him, during his implausible visit to Westview to research his part in Starbuck Jones, because that’s totally a thing, and nobody can read comic books anywhere but here. Anyway, didn’t Mason (Jarr, the Actor: he lives out west somewhere) specifically say he wanted to bring in a writer from the ‘comic book world’ a few strips back? But don’t worry – Darrin just wandered in for no reason, and his gigantic head is right behind you, hanging on our every word. So I’m sure his Skype-buddy, unemployed comic-book writer Mopey Pete, will hear about the opportunity somehow.”

You can’t just let plots develop — you gotta engineer them.

Luann, 4/25/15

Luann shows the signs of 30 years of careful risk management — no unsettling “time jumps” here! “But wait!” you may say. “Didn’t the whole crew just graduate head off to various colleges and Peru and whatnot?” Yeahbut! No chances were taken with the franchise — the stories are the same old “romantic” entanglements, and new characters are plug-and-play replacements for worn-out old ones. For example, Luann’s eccentric fop art teacher fills in for whiny tool Mr. Fogarty, and Dez here is the Designated Ethnic Replacement for annoying prig Delta.

Caution is the watchword — even the Tarot (“Witchcraft!”) with its scary “Hanged Man” and “Death” cards gets a remake as a whimsical “Destiny Deck” (um, somehow not witchcraft?).

Anyway, just for the record, Luann’s mom’s name is “Nancy.” I don’t know how “Prudence” got in there.

Gil Thorp, 4/25/15

Despite my role as a small-c curmudgeon, I have great fondness for Gil Thorp‘s seasonal ritual, the Reading of the Roster. This one telegraphs (hell, literally states) that 2015’s Baseball Story will be about pitcher and cleanup hitter Jordy Castillo.

Slugging pitchers are rare in the majors but more common on college and high-school teams. With the Mudlarks, of course, there’s a good chance Gil and Mimi decided the positions and batting order during a drunken session of strip I-Ching.

— Uncle Lumpy