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Let’s start our discussion of Tuesday’s comics by looking at the first panel of Monday’s Apartment 3-G:

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 8/8/11

Sorry Lu Ann, looks like you’re left holding the glass! Wait, don’t you have another roommate? Maybe she wants lemonade!

Apartment 3-G, 8/9/11

Do you think that’s the same glass? I sure hope not, for Lu Ann’s sake. Margo doesn’t want your hand-me-down leftover glasses of lemonade, Lu Ann! Margo only wants the freshest lemonade! And Margo couldn’t possibly want anything Tommie has rejected! What’s the matter with you?

Fortunately for Lu Ann. Margo is mostly ignoring her as her mind is firmly set on her next round of harebrained schemes. Still, our lovable dim blonde sure is hilariously sad by the end of the strip! “Doesn’t anyone need me? Making lemonade is my only skill! If nobody ever wants lemonade again, what will become of me?”

Gil Thorp, 8/9/11

Ha ha, remember when a Ben Franklin lookalike hustled Marty Moon out of hundreds of dollars on the links? That was all good fun, since Marty is everybody’s punching bag, but having the strip’s ostensible authority figure and voice of reason high-five his protege after a successful revenge-grift seems somewhat more problematic.

Lockhorns, 8/9/11

C’mon, Leroy, it’s Tuesday, aka “sexy hobo cosplay day.” You know what Loretta wants. Unless … this is part of the game? “Fine, let me just finish the paper, and then I’ll put a little something in your cup, if you know what I mean.”

Mary Worth, 8/9/11

That tiny question mark in the final panel isn’t a sign of self-doubt or a signal that Mary isn’t sure what her next move should be (ha ha, like she would ever experience such things). Rather, it’s indicating her sudden disorientation. As soon as she hears the words “I need your advice,” the world seems to retreat away from Mary, appearing as a tiny pinprick of light at the end of a long tunnel, as she enters a fugue state. She’ll come to three months later, covered in blood, just in time to watch Gina’s newly de-estranged father walk her down the aisle.

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Beetle Bailey, 7/30/11

General Halftrack’s request for a three-way has yielded a scenario that’s very, very different from his fantasies.

Crankshaft, 7/30/11

Crankshaft’s family has converted to Seventh Day Adventism, probably to provide an excuse to spend less time with him.

Family Circus, 7/30/11

Despite their parents’ attempts to teach them an orthodox theology, the Keane Kids still believe in zombies.

Gil Thorp, 7/30/11

Gil Thorp is somehow managing to make its new sexting storyline even duller than the last one.

Luann, 7/30/11

Luann and Quill have stumbled upon the world’s chastest orgy.

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Gil Thorp, 7/27/11

Hey, everyone, in case you were wondering, Gil Thorp hasn’t been cancelled or anything. Due to my extreme displeasure at the second summer in a row featuring a shenanigan-free golf plot, I refuse to do even a cursory job summarizing the storyline for you, but I do want to point out with icy disdain the “FOOZLE!” in panel two. Can you imagine any circumstance under which hitting a golf ball would result in a noise that sounds even remotely like “FOOZLE”? No, of course you can’t, other than maybe Dr. Scavuzzo has a special wacky trick club that emits hilarious vaudeville noises. Gil Thorp, we want our insane summer plot! We will not be bought off by supposedly zany sound effects.

Mary Worth, 7/27/11

Potential reasons why our waitress is flabbergasted at Mary’s very mild health-based oversharing:

• “Oh, no, we don’t have anything even remotely healthy on our menu! Even the salad is garnished with fried onion rings and lard-flavored dressing! Literally anything I serve to this woman will kill her right here in the booth!”
• “Wait, I wasn’t listening to anything she said until the very end. ‘Dodged a bullet?’ Is this seemingly feeble old woman a ninja with superhuman powers?”
• “Hey, it’s that jerk Mary Worth, who meddled in my affairs a few years back and ruined my life!”

Archie, 7/27/11

Of course we all know that Jughead loves a good hot dog, but now we’re discovering just how much: take one from him and in his rage he’ll commit genocide.