Post Content

Family Circus, 6/5/08

A discussion about the nature of eternity, set against a blank, featureless void: behold the beginning of the transformation of the Family Circus into Existential Despair Comics.

Mark Trail, 6/5/08

“No! When Kelly took my pictures, she made me do things and touched me and it made me feel funny and bad! I MUST PROTECT THE ANIMALS!”

Gil Thorp, 6/5/08

“I mean, he’s still a total douche, so by all means carry on with the assault; I just can’t stand to see a savage beatdown conducted under false pretenses. It cheapens it, you know?”

Spider-Man, 6/5/08

“That’s my wife! The only thing she cares about more than my health is money, and the things you can buy with money.”

Pluggers, 6/5/08

Oh man, that plume of noxious smoke is just the delicious icing on the “fuck you, hippies”-flavored cake.

Post Content

Mark Trail, 5/24/08

Wait, sneaking it in? But … but that’s a medicinal puppy!

As usual, there’s so much wrong happening in this Mark Trail storyline denouement that it makes my little brain hurt. First of all, we’ve seen no indication that Mark has done anything about the sinister dognappers other than punch one of them. Despite what a casual reading of this strip may lead you to believe, Mark is not an officer of the law, and his fists are not legally sanctioned punishments for crimes. Are we seriously to believe that the Bonnie and Clyde of pet-stealing, having discovered how darn easy it is make money through from softhearted dog owners through their nefarious machinations, are just going to give it up because of a little chin music from Mark? Surely they’re just going to head over to another town and start anew! The least Mark could have done is liberate their female dog, who is an unwitting accomplice to their crimes and little better than a sex slave.

Then there’s the puppy-concealment going on in panel three. At least Mark isn’t just brazenly walking into a hospital with a bear, as he did during the Buck and Molly storyline, but since we can see clearly that Mark has washboard abs and a relatively form-fitting shirt, surely there will be someone observant enough to notice the squirming, mewling lump on our hero’s abdomen. I also question whether telling a happy, playful puppy in English to be quiet will really be all that effective. Hopefully Mark will be smart enough not to resort to more drastic measures; if you think little Madeline is sad now, wait until Mark shows her the puppy that he accidentally smothered.

Herb and Jamaal, 5/24/08

Herb and Jamaal’s Hip Young Clergyman With An Earring was introduced a while back as an assistant to Rev. Croom, sent by the higher-ups to try to keep church relevant to the youth of today. Today we see that he’s also taken on the role of Christianity’s enforcer, popping out of nowhere whenever some weirdo religion is mentioned. “Hey, you know who’s a wise spiritual leader? Jesus. Now get yourselves to church, you hell-bound hippies.”

Gil Thorp, 5/24/08

Boy, Branden and Elmer sure are looking cozy for two totally-not-at-all-dating BFFs. With the music on the boom box right and the light from the Chinese lanterns low at Maureen’s party, I predict two words (in English) that will end up solving Elmer’s little immigration status problem: shotgun wedding.

Panel from Mary Worth, 5/24/08

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Post Content

Apartment 3-G, 5/20/08

Things Haley might have said that could have been even dorkier than “Wow. This dope is super — I feel great!”:

• Nothing. There is absolutely nothing anyone could say or do that would make this hard-hitting drug use storyline any squarer than it is right now. Alan and Haley’s dope binge is making Mary Worth’s Tommy the Tweaker storyline (which, I might remind you ended with “Yeah, parents … what are you going to do?” and “UHHHHHHHHHHH” and “I hate drug dealers!” and “Groan!”) look like the unrated director’s cut of Trainspotting.

Can someone who’s an expert in drug paraphernalia and/or fluid dynamics explain to me what the deal is with Alan’s “pipe”? It looks less like something you’d use to smoke dope (of whatever flavor) and more like one of those jumbo straws for drinking bubble tea. Perhaps the syndicate would agree to greenlight this drug-fueled storyline only if nothing in the art remotely resembled anything someone could actually use to ingest illegal narcotics, and all the characters talked like utter dweebs.

Gil Thorp, 5/20/08

Panel three is a good example of why visually-oriented media like the comics don’t build storylines around lawyers very often. “Will the Vargases’ attorney manage to keep Elmer in the U.S. legally? Thrill as he plumbs the depths of Title 8 of the U.S. code! Gasp as he makes a few phone calls to some friends over at U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services! Can his secretary make enough copies of his notes for everyone at his 4:30 meeting? Does he have time to step out for coffee? How many billable hours will he put in today?” Judge Parker, take note.

Archie, 5/20/08

“Also, what Jughead had thought for the past eight years was his ‘dog’ turns out to be a short guy in a fursuit. We’re both pretty freaked out about it, honestly.”