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Dennis the Menace, 3/5/15

As a Ginger-American, I spend a lot of time wishing for more positive depictions of my people in the media. Sure, we have the Weasely family, but that’s about it. Thus, I was actively angered when I saw that today’s Dennis the Menace indulged in the sad, stereotypical depiction of redheads as angry, sullen drunks. You know what the real menace is, Dennis? Intolerance.

Hagar the Horrible, 3/5/15

It’s not so much that Hagar doesn’t like tea as he doesn’t respect the property rights of settled agricultural folk who live in castles, Eddie. For now, you’re part of his war-band, and so he considers you a friend and ally. But as soon as you form a marriage-tie to the ruling class of settled, civilized Europe, you become an enemy to any self-respecting Viking who dreams only of bringing plunder back to his family and retainers on the continent’s northern fringes. Inviting Hagar in to your inherited home will mean signing your own death warrant.

Shoe, 3/5/15

We all love the patented Shoe Goggle Eyes Of Horror, of course, but almost as charming are their complement, the patented Shoe Heavy Lids Of Despair. They’re particularly grim to see on the face of ostensible child Skyler, whose youthful love of life has long been crushed under the unshakeable compulsion to answer straightforward questions in school with terrible, unfunny wordplay. “His friends wanted to make sure he got the point,” Skyler says, hating himself. “Eh? Eh? Get it? Because he was stabbed to death?”

Spider-Man, 3/5/15

I was kind of meh on this storyline for a while, but everything that’s happened after Mysterio was captured has been pure comedy gold. Today, the fiend manages to break free from captivity and … runs six feet to attempt to make a dumb point about Spider-Man’s secret identity! Then he stands around like a jerk while the cop trots over to arrest him again!

Family Circus, 3/5/15

“Yeah, I gazed at the wonder of creation, saw otherworldly sights that have moved the hearts of men for centuries. Turns out the moon’s pretty lame! What’s on TV?”

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Spider-Man, 12/8/14

“Boo!” You’re probably saying. “This Spider-Man plot is focused on Mary Jane’s movie career, and will be full of boring insider-y film business stuff and won’t deliver the non-stop action-packed superheroic thrill ride that Newspaper Spider-Man fans crave!” Well, joke’s on you! This isn’t just some boring scene where Mary Jane takes care of a little legal paperwork; it’s a very exciting scene where Mary Jane takes care of some legal paperwork drawn up by “Foggy” Nelson, the law partner of Matt Murdock, aka Marvel Comics’ own Daredevil! Murdock, that is. Murdock is the superhero. He’s not in this strip. But his law partner is! Pretty exciting, eh? Now we can begin the movie magic. (“Move magic” will consist of an hour standing around the set while the director of photography yells conflicting orders at the grips.)

Hagar the Horrible, 12/8/14

Ha, it’s funny because Vikings were actual murderers who terrorized Europe for a century, and by “character” Hagar means “post-traumatic stress disorder.”

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Hagar the Horrible, 10/29/14

In the middle ages, even the armies of states and large feudal territories tended to avoid risky pitched battles; most wars were fought via sieges and raids on undefended towns and estates. Small raiding bands like the Vikings were even less likely to attempt to fight through serious resistance, since there were plenty of places that could be profitably plundered without having to deal with trained soldiers of any sort. Today’s Hagar the Horrible is entirely historically accurate, in other words.

Mark Trail, 10/29/14

Yeah, Doc, we just … told you about the mine a minute ago? Oh no, is Mark Trail going to rip off Mary Worth and do the Mark Trail storyline equivalent of putting an old person in a home? (The Mark Trail storyline equivalent of putting an old person in a home is putting an old person on an ice floe.)