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Hagar the Horrible, 7/16/17

You know, somewhere among the many, many posts I’ve written about how Hagar the Horrible whitewashes the Vikings’ well-documented history as bloodthirsty murderers and thieves, you might start think that I’m missing the joke, which is that the whole point of Hagar’s pillaging strips is to contrast the general good nature of the characters with the actual historical carnage. I promise I’m not! I just think it’s funny to reverse it back to a more realistic configuration. I do sometimes wonder though if even the toilers down at Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC have forgotten about the strip’s central conceit, but I take installments like today as pretty strong evidence that they haven’t. “Ha ha, the people who live here sure care about their landscaping! Let’s hack them to death with our swords, steal all their stuff, enslave their children, and burn their castle to the ground.”

Spider-Man, 7/16/17

Whew, you guys, Spider-Man was saved from unmasking by a combination of his spidey-sense and the quick thinking of his antagonist’s mom. It’s cool to see our noble hero being totally unable to let this thing go. “Will this curious little scamp grow up to be a murderous supervillain? Probably! Will I have to kill him to keep the world safe? Almost certainly! Can’t wait!”

Heathcliff, 7/16/17

As we’ve discussed, the venerable Heathcliff is a secret hotbed of surreal whimsy these days. Sometimes, though, it’s just jokes about birds shitting on you.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/16/17

“And I paid this nice lady with the camera-phone to record it! Just pretend she’s not here. But, you know, make sure she can always see your face.”

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Better Half, 6/9/13

Sundays are great because we get a quadruple dose of the Parkers, the adorable, relatable couple we know so well. What ordinary life problems are these two grappling with this weekend? Clockwise from top left:

• Harriet is so unhealthily obsessed with her weight that she literally fantasizes about losing parts of her body, just so that she can see that number on the scale get smaller.
• No matter what time of day or night it is, Stanley is just sitting around the house, hazily slipping in and out of consicousness.
• Meanwhile when Harriet falls asleep, she immediately falls into the grips of intense anxiety dreams.
• Stanley’s body is falling apart.

Hagar the Horrible, 6/9/13

As a bloodthirsty Viking chieftan, Hagar has sacked and burned countless villages across Europe, and rules his own warrior band by threat of brutal violence. It should really come as no surprise that somebody’s trying to assassinate him.

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Archie, 3/7/13

Here’s a sentence that’s probably never been written: I don’t understand Archie’s emotional arc here? Veronica’s dialogue in panel one is stereotypical “Ha ha the ladies like to gossip about their network of relationships with other ladies and we hate that amiright fellas” talk. But what are Archie’s sweatballs in panel one supposed to represent? Is he already nervous about being cruelly snubbed by Ronnie for daring to ask for some quiet study time? That would seem to undercut the vague surprise of the punchline, then. Is it sexual arousal, always a good bet with Archie? Is he saying that the reality of Veronica’s conversation is interfering with his ability to think sexy thoughts about her? Those word-balloon icicles are perhaps well deserved.

Hagar the Horrible, 3/7/13

So, mild historical accuracy: It’s true, that, in their colonization of Greenland in the 10th through 15th centuries, the Norse came in contact with the Inuit! Inuit names tend to be polysyllabic, though, and not, you know, incoherent grunts, but sure, let’s have Hagar talking to “Oog.” And let’s give Oog slits for eyes too! Why not!

Heathcliff, 3/7/13

Unironic praise: Nearly everything about this is perfect, from the fish-costume’s terrifying eyes and weird fin-feet that would be very difficult to stand up in, to Heathcliff just standing there with his hands behind his back, dreaming of ripping open the great fish and feasting on its hundreds of pounds of succulent flesh, to the bored dude with the hair in his eyes inside the costume, who isn’t being paid enough to deal with any of it.

The Lockhorns, 3/7/13

“But I’ve finally managed to poison mine! Now help me move his body to the car so we can go dump him in the river.”