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Hi and Lois, 6/29/15

As Hi and Lois slowly retreats to its retro roots, the Thurstons are also starting to fulfill their role from a less genteel age: not only is Thirsty an unpleasant drunk once again, but the childless couple are also depicted as being just a little less classy overall than the Flagstons, and I mean “classy” as in economic class. Sure, they live in an identical suburban house next door, but there are hints. That patch on the chair, for instance: Lois would never permit anything so shabby in her home! The family dynamic that has Irma doing yoga in the living room of what I assume to be a multi-bedroom house specifically to annoy her husband is another issue altogether, as is the fact that Hi immediately says “that’s good, right?” to Thirsty’s announcement.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/29/15

Ah, let’s check back in with Cindy’s story, which it’s my understanding is about … how young people are terrible to old people? Hmmm, something seems off here, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Heathcliff, 6/29/15

Ooh! Ooh! I know! He got them from a genie! Man, I’m really enjoying Heathcliff’s new arc-driven storytelling style.

Pluggers, 6/29/15

“Wow, this section is full of misdirected lower-middle-class cultural resentment! Wouldn’t want you reading any of that.”

Crankshaft, 6/29/15

Don’t you miss the good ol’ days, when a soldier could be violently beat up day after day in the comics and no meddling politicians would disapprove?

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Funky Winkerbean, 6/26/15

Oh, look, it’s “jack-and-jill (v)”, another made-up phrase that nobody will ever use from the strip that brought you “Lewis-and-Clarking,” “Nordic,” and “solo car date!” This one really ups the ante, in the sense that a character is summoned forth from the narrative ether and brought on-panel to say it after having terribly injured himself.

Crock, 6/26/15

Attention cartoonists everywhere: the era when a sentence could be deemed a punchline just because it included the phrase “cell phone” was extremely brief and ended more than a decade ago! Please make a note of it.

Heathcliff, 6/26/15

It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize this isn’t just garden-variety Heathcliff irritating whimsy, but a terrible play on words: the genie created jeans, get it? Get it? GET IT??? Based on the numb expression on the genie’s face, he’s as disgusted by it as I am.

Marvin, 6/26/15

“Yes, that’s right lady,” thinks Marvin’s mom slyly in panel three, “my husband is completely unfuckable.”

Crankshaft, 6/26/15

YES

CRANKSHAFT AND HIS BUDDIES ARE GOING TO BE ARRESTED FOR POLITICAL CRIMES AND CONVICTED IN A PUBLIC SHOW TRIAL

THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR MY WHOLE LIIIIIFE

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Heathcliff, 6/15/15

If there’s one thing that distinguishes Heathcliff from another, more famous/relentlessly marketed orange comics cat, it’s his inability to produce recognizable language, even in thought balloon form. We as readers are not privy to whatever thoughts are going through his head; and to communicate with the fellow denizens of the Heathcliffverse, he must resort to crude, one-word messages written on helmets or flags. But now, at long last, Heathcliff’s latest project is coming to fruition: he’s mastered human speech, repurposing various parts of his digestive system to approximate the sounds. He’s already gotten to the end of the alphabet, so Heathcliff’s Owner-Grandpa’s attempt to put a stop to the madness will come far too late. After “Z”, Heathcliff will start issuing orders, and they will be terrifying.

The Lockhorns, 6/15/15

Congratulations, The Lockhorns, for finally producing a panel that can surpass Rhino-Man Hocks His TV for sheer horrifying depression! I’m kind of sorry we aren’t going to get to actually see Leroy awkwardly trying to remove his own fillings with a pair of pliers in this seedy cash-for-gold outlet’s parking lot, mostly because I’d like to watch Loretta’s facial expression of ennui mingled with contempt remain unchanged throughout all the screaming and the blood.

Family Circus, 6/15/15

Dolly forges ahead to some unknown destination, leaving Ruthie behind, lying on the floor in visible agony from her tumble from the wagon. Ruthless indeed, and only Billy (7) can see the true cold-hearted sociopath beneath his sister’s treacle-sweet exterior.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/15/15

Today’s Rex Morgan, M.D., doesn’t confirm the theory that “Sarah” is a 42-year-old little person pretending to be a child for inscrutable reasons of her own, with Kelly in on the game but eager to humiliate her at any opportunity, but it doesn’t exactly rule it out, either.

Mark Trail, 6/15/15

OH NO

THE DAY IS HERE

THE DAY FORETOLD IN PROPHECY

THE DAY THE CEPHALAPODS EMERGE FROM THE SEA TO DESTROY US

HUG YOUR LOVED ONES TIGHT AND PRAY FOR A SWIFT AND MERCIFUL DEATH