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Crankshaft, 5/16/14

So Crankshaft got a smartphone this week, by the way! I would have settled for some smartphone-themed puns, but I will very much accept Crankshaft being a snarling dick to his best friend, for no reason other than to cover up his own feelings of inadequacies and helplessness, and there’s not even a hint of a joke or wordplay or anything like that, just the main character of this strip salving his own emotional wounds by making everyone around him feel miserable and shitty. Crankshaft, everybody! The “fun” Funkyverse strip!

Heathcliff, 5/16/14

Why don’t the inhabitants of Heathcliff’s leafy suburb ever use garbage bags? They just empty all their waste directly into metal cans, where it putrefies into a more or less homogeneous brown goo. Now Heathcliff and Sonia are painting the town, if by “painting the town” you mean “smearing the streets of the town with the lumpy brown goo that is apparently the end product of rotting garbage.”

Apartment 3-G, 5/16/14

At last, thought Jack, my plan has come to fruition. He had known it wouldn’t be easy to find a suitable partner and then convince her to willingly join him inside his meticulously hand-crafted two-person horse costume for some good old-fashioned equine cosplay. But Jack Riley was nothing if not a patient man.

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Six Chix, 5/13/14

Good morning, reader! Do you hate yourself? Like, really hate yourself, not because of anything in particular that you do or say or think or feel, not even because of some specific inborn quality or trait; no, I mean, do you hate your very nature, your essence, the core qualities that make you you and can never be changed? Ha ha, you and a bunch of other people, probably! Anyway, it’s spring, the weather’s nice, cheer up.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/13/14

Funky vs. the treadmill, day two: Funky has suffered some kind of cardiac or ischemic event and passed out on the treadmill, probably spraining his knee and/or breaking his nose as he collapsed. Ha ha, let’s just say he “fell asleep,” though!

Luann, 5/13/14

Oh, wow, will Luann spend the months between now and the advent of Luann: The College Years exploring the broken souls the title character leaves in her wake? Will this strip be going Full Winkerbean? Will all of July be dedicated to Gunther’s horrifying inner life? PLEASE LET THE ANSWERS TO ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS BE YES

Heathcliff, 5/13/14

Ha ha, Heathcliff is lurking around a flower shop in a bee costume because … of pollination, I guess? Heathcliff is planning to fuck those flowers, is what I’m saying.

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Mary Worth, 5/7/14

Ten years ago (ten years ago!), Mary unleashed a magnificent act of passive aggression on poor Iris; after smelling Tommy’s weed-smoke drifting through the air vents, she dropped by to say hi to Irish and mention “whatever Tommy was smoking” all snide-like. Now, a decade later, she’s prepared to get semi-confrontational right to Tommy’s face! I’m not sure what I like better, her casual reference to “your history” or the idea that an ex-con will somehow magically have an easier time finding a job if only he reframes the process in his mind as some kind of redemption narrative.

Heathcliff, 5/7/14

So, I guess Heathcliff must occasionally seek legitimacy from the electorate to continue his reign as untouchable god-king? I’m assuming that this is just a Stalinist sham election with only a single name on the ballot: the campaign poster doesn’t even try to convey even the vaguest of political philosophies to entice the voter, but merely promotes a vision of Heathcliff as omnipresent and inevitable, which is of course its own sort of ideological stance.

Hi and Lois, 5/7/14

I’m not exactly sure why Hi and Lois decided to go with a featureless, inky black floor for their kitchen rather than a more traditional tile or linoleum pattern, but if they thought it wouldn’t show dirt or stains as vividly, they were clearly very much mistaken.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 5/7/14

Grimm is panhandling for money to see what appears to be a porno version of Spider-Man.