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Archive: Heathcliff

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It doesn’t get less menacing than globe-measuring

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Heathcliff, 1/25/16

I’ve lived in Los Angeles for a bit more than a year now, and so far my biggest celebrity sightings have been Sam Rockwell and Paul Dano, which pretty much matches my level, I think? My wife did have an extremely Los Angeles experience once, though, at a restaurant called Cafe Gratitude, which is a crunchy vegan restaurant where all the dishes are named things like “Confident” or “Dynamic” and when your server brings it to you they say “You are … confident.” (or whatever it is you ordered, you get it). Anyway, while dining at this joint Amber overheard the guy at the next table talking, and it turned out he was Kenny Loggins manager and maybe a little braggy about it. Did that guy make enough from licensing his client’s intellectual property to Heathcliff to afford more lunches at that pretentious restaurant? Maybe, maybe not. I frankly don’t think the joke was worth it.

Dennis the Menace, 1/25/16

Ugggh, Dennis, being pedantic about common turns of phrase isn’t so much “menacing” as “extremely tiresome,” and I think less of you for it.

Mary Worth, 1/25/16

Ahahahahha, I will never tire of seeing Mary Worth calmly sexually reject the men inexplicably besotted with her, in the comics! Ironically, of course. I enjoy seeing this happen on an ironic level. Definitely am not aroused by it, not even a little. Please do not capture me and have me studied by a team of expert sexologists.

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Death of print Monday

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Shoe, 1/18/16

Last week I was on the I Haven’t Seen That podcast, a very funny and exciting podcast hosted by Whitney Reynolds and Mark Popham, and we talked newspaper comics, among other things, and it was interesting to see what people do and don’t pick up from the comics. For instance, Mark claimed that, despite reading Shoe regularly, he never realized that its damned bird-men characters work at a newspaper! But they do, and that newspaper apparently runs restaurant reviews, which is curious because the only places where we ever see the bird-people eating out are Roz’s, the sad ’70s fern bar, and I think maybe a fancy white-cloth restaurant with a snooty French waiter? Anyway, there’s three of them, tops, so I assume that each one is reviewed about once a month or so, which the Perfesser’s look of crushing ennui confirms. “Ugggh, what to write about Roz’s this time … old people? Old drunk people? A review for old drunk people? Sounds about right.”

Mary Worth, 1/18/16

You’d think a “professional bakery kitchen” would sound pretty dull even to a known square like Olive, but the alternative seems to be putting together a completely white jigsaw puzzle with Mary while enjoying cookies and water, so you can see why she’s jumping at the opportunity.

Heathcliff, 1/18/16

This is a joke about how Heathcliff and his girlfriend are going to engage in some pharmaceutically-enhanced fucking right here on this couple’s lawn! They brought props, to taunt them with! Let’s hear it for Heathcliff, and for newspaper features editors who just don’t care anymore!

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Holiday one-panels

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Family Circus, 12/11/15

Wow, Billy’s crass holiday greed seems positively charming now, doesn’t it? “Oh, come let us adore me,” sings Jeffy, “for I am the mashiach, the anointed one foretold in prophecy. I am the Christ. Come adore me. WORSHIP ME. WORSHIP ME. I AM YOUR LORD GOD JEFFY AND I GROW DISPLEASED.”

Heathcliff, 12/11/15

I mean, I guess if you’re going to engage in a massive orgy, you’re going to want to use a pagan fertility symbol to justify your actions.

Blondie, 12/11/15

I like the idea of poor Bernie, sitting alone in his studio apartment on Christmas Eve, thinking that he might not have any family, he might not have a hearth to call his own, but nevertheless he knows that somewhere, across town, Santa is coming — with presents for him.