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Herb and Jamaal, 9/5/12

I know that attempting to reason your way through the wordy, pointless setups to the limp punchlines in your typical Herb and Jamaal strip is a pointless exercise that can only lead to petulant resentment, but … damn you, Herb and Jamaal, for getting me to actually comparison-shop suspenders and belts on Amazon. FOR THE RECORD, low-end suspenders are a few dollars cheaper than low-end belts, but surely the difference isn’t enough to make a meaningful difference in Jamaal’s clothing budget. Although maybe the choice is between buying new suspenders and buying new, larger pants? ARGH I’M THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN ARGH ARGH ARGH

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/5/12

I know as someone without kids I’m not supposed to judge people’s parenting styles, but it strikes me as poor form for Snuffy to be openly gleeful that his son (or nephew? is Jughaid their nephe?) will be brutally bullied at school because of an outfit that he would rather not wear. Maybe he’s just excited that soon Jughaid will grow to loathe school, which will put him on a path to becomimg a semi-literate unemployable layabout and thus a true member of the Smith clan.

Mary Worth, 9/5/12

“In order to live a truly meaningful life, a young girl like you needs to find a husband! Have you considered calling Dave? He may be more attracted to you now that you’ve been on television!”

The Lockhorns, 9/5/12

We all know that Leroy is in constant emotional pain, because of his awful marriage, but it turns out that he’s also in constant physical pain, because he’s old and out of shape.

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Mary Worth, 8/21/12

Wilbur and Dawn recover from their TV-induced “people came together to help one another” hallucination and realize that life is, after all, brutal. And that they both kinda miss Dave. Back to square one: the perfect Mary Worth story arc.

OK, POOL PARTY!

Herb and Jamaal, 8/21/12

It’s so unfair, because Jamaal really was checking out her blouse — everybody is saying “bold, flowery prints” for fall, but Jamaal thinks the only way to avoid ’70’s Earth Mother connotations is to build the look on a classically constructed garment. And the stitching on this one is simply slovenly, it’s a size too large, and for God’s sake tuck it in. Seriously, girl, you go out in public dressed like that? And slap people when they notice? Bitch.

Shoe, 8/21/12

P. Martin Shoemaker (Shoe), an editor at the Treetops Tattler, documents a single exception to the pending collapse of his industry.

“Say, you’re not by any chance reading Shoe, are you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/21/12

THE EYES OF SNUFFY PEER INTO YOUR SOUL! FEAR HIM!

Judge Parker, 8/21/12

Sam begins to suspect that all Avery’s talk of passion, seduction, Old Hardy, wild life, and prevailing in the end may not be entirely about fishing. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, our Sam.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Judge Parker, 8/2/12

If you haven’t been following the storyline of Judge Parker — and let’s face it, you probably haven’t — it’s gone something like this: the mean people at the run-down fishing lodge suddenly became nice people, but it turns out it’s only because they’re secretly in league with (or perhaps secretly are the same people as) the owners of the marijuana field Avery accidentally fell into and they just wanted to get Sam and Avery out on the river so that they could steal Avery’s camera and get the marijuana pictures off of it, except that Avery took his camera fishing with him, foiling their evil plans. And now they’re presumably planning to lure Sam and Avery down into their cellar and imprison and/or murder them there. This is a good example of how Sam’s charmed life has dangerously lowered his defenses. “Why yes, I am wealthy and good-looking and well-connected, so it totally makes sense that you’re going to give me some luxury item for free. I’ll just trundle down into your dank basement and take my pick!”

Mark Trail, 8/2/12

Time in Mark Trail passes in a surreal, dream-like fashion, so who even knows how long ago it was that Rusty saw the poachers shoot that bighorn from a plane. Has it been days? It seems like it might have been days. Anyway, what I’m trying to say, Rusty, is what you really want to do is get a good, stomach-turning picture of some rotting sheep-flesh, with the more flies the better, if you want any respect from the avant-garde art world. You should actually crop out the poachers’ faces if you want to emphasize life’s impersonal cruelty, as I assume you do.

Herb and Jamaal, 8/2/12

Ha ha, it’s funny because Jamaal is farting constantly, and also because Herb is going to die of a massive heart attack!