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Gil Thorp, 8/12/17

“Or maybe I’ve got that backward! Maybe, I wish basketball … coached her!” Or … right? Not sure what that means, and I’m also hoping pretty hard that it doesn’t mean that Jaquan has taken a liking to Heather, what with him being like 31 and her being in high school and all.

Panel two is yet another egregious colorist error, what with Trey being assigned Jaquan’s skin and jacket color in panel two despite the fact that he literally says Jaquan’s name in his dialogue. Then again, Jaquan’s right eye is also being swallowed up by his skintone in the final panel. Perhaps the very nature of the reality of the Thorpiverse is glitching, and everyone is about to find themselves swallowed up in sea of pleasing burnt umber.

Crock, 8/12/17

Hey, kids, don’t give up if the mysteries you submit to Slylock Fox get rejected! They can still use them in Crock, apparently?

Hi and Lois, 8/12/17

Like many teenage boys, Chip has little by way of sexual experience or skills, and his partners rarely achieve orgasm during their encounters.

Six Chix, 8/12/17

Today’s lesson from Six Chix: little kids are assholes!

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Mary Worth, 8/8/17

Shoutout to Mary Worth for starting a storyline where I honestly have no idea where they’re going with it! Like, are we supposed to see poor klutzy Jared, who can’t even manage to properly match his scrubs, as a more decent and down-to-earth romantic partner than moody, handsome Dr. Ned? Or is a humiliated Jared going to go home and leave a 3,000-word screed on the r/incel subreddit about how he’s been thwarted by chads for the last time, then head into the hospital to kill everybody there? (If none of the words in that last sentence made any sense to you, check out this glossary, which I’m sorry for introducing you to.)

Hi and Lois, 8/8/17

I’m on the record as embracing Hi and Lois’s Thirsty’s return to form as an unpleasant drunk, and I’m eager to see just how far down that path the strip is willing to go! “My life’s already a mess!” a disheveled Thirsty, his nose already glowing with booze at 5:30 pm, bellows to his only friend as he spends his entire paycheck on scratch-offs.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/8/17

We already have one elderly refugee here on the Island Of Misfit Ancillary Starbuck Jones Creative Toilers, and its Cliff Anger, whose career ended when as an idealistic young lefty he didn’t pivot quickly enough to follow America’s changing attitudes towards the USSR after World War II. Phil Holt, though? He’s not Phil Holt of Batom Comics anymore, and if you look into his eyes in the final panel, you know that the reason is definitely murder.

Pluggers, 8/8/17

Wait, do pluggers think that you have to live in a different city and not interact with someone in person to be a friend? Is that what people are telling them? That’s unbelievably sad.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/19/17

This strip has gone through a lot of changes over the years, but one constant that I appreciate is that Rex is always being a smug dick about something. “Oh, sorry, June. Edgar Rice Burroughs. It’s his initials. E-R-B, get it? I thought you were up on your classic pulp sci-fi. But I guess I didn’t marry you for your literary taste, am I right? Ha ha! Margie, your husband, who I’m almost certainly about to learn ran off and left you in dire emotional and financial straits, sounds like a real cool guy. Where my ERB-heads at?” (Wait till Rex finds out that little Johncarter was named not after the Barsoom series of books, which his father never read, but after the 2012 film, which was a spectacular flop.)

Mark Trail, 7/19/17

OH SNAP it looks like I was right about the hostage lady being one of the bad guys! This is a solid twist AND gave us the chance to see Agent McHairisland’s complete shock and surprise. What do you suppose this was about, then? Did our fake hostage just need some time to get into character? Is she known across the whole Midwest as the “Method” Bank Heistrix?

Gil Thorp, 7/19/17

Speaking of things I was right about, I guess I was right about this being Heather and Kevin from last football season! But weren’t they seniors last year? Is it really still summer? Are these tall dudes emissaries from an alien species who hope to harness Kevin and Heather’s on-Earth skills for use in a long-running interstellar war, à la 1984’s hit film The Last Starfighter, but for jocks? WHAT’S GOING ON

Mary Worth, 7/19/17

We all know the greatest Mary Worth plots begin with Mary working in her rose garden, so I have great hope for this one. Someone gave Dawn a job, guys! What a terribly misguided decision, which I hope we’ll see acted out in graphic and comical detail over the next several months!

Hi and Lois, 7/19/17

Traditionally this strip has featured an adorable and loving relationship between the infant Trixie and her pal the sunbeam, and I have to say I’m not on board for this gritty reboot. “I’M NOT GOING TO BE IGNORED, TRIXIE” –literally the sun