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Beetle Bailey, 7/24/16

[holds flashlight under chin] And in those days … people … did not have constant access … to erotic images … whenever they wanted it! they had … to walk … to a different room … sometimes in an entirely different building!!!!!

[everyone gasps]

[the flashlight is my phone]

[we’re not in a campground, we’re in an underground city, because this is the future and we’ve badly polluted the surface of the earth]

[everyone goes back to looking at porn on their phones]

Mary Worth, 7/24/16

Oh, wait, now I get where they’re going with this. It’s not “drugs are bad,” it’s “people who attempt to manage their emotional problems without asking Mary for advice will inevitably screw it up and become pill addicts.”

Funky Winkerbean, 7/24/16

I’m not sure if the joke here is that “you could raise a child and send them to college for what it costs to buy a life-size statue of Doctor Doom” or “women don’t have sex with men who buy life-size statues of Doctor Doom.” Either seems pretty accurate, though!

Hi and Lois, 7/24/16

I was going to go on a long diatribe about how promoting a campaign to get more people to play golf is the most legacy-newspaper-comic-strip thing you can possibly do, but then I got to the last panel and found out that I’m three years older than Hi from Hi and Lois, so excuse me while go lie down with a pillow over my face for the next six to fourteen hours.

Mutts, 7/24/16

I know I don’t talk about Mutts on this site very often, but then again Mutts doesn’t usually do a joke in which the lovable lisping cat fantasizes about capturing his owner in a giant web, to eat.

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Crankshaft, 7/3/16

There are two punchlines in this strip: “Crankshaft ham-handedly flirts with the pharmacist,” and “Crankshaft takes out his anger with the American medical system on the pharmacist,” and neither of them are funny. A pharmacy called “Drug Lords” is funny, though. At least to me. I’m a man of simple tastes, guys.

Hi and Lois, 7/3/16

Here’s the story of a man trying, and failing, to impress his family. If his frozen smile in the last panel doesn’t break your heart, I’m not sure what will. Enjoy your holiday weekend, everybody!

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Mary Worth, 6/26/16

Oh thank goodness, the new Sunday Mary Worth team heeded my warnings and and restored Wilbur’s glorious combover! His arms are still distressingly bare, but we’ll take today’s wispy strands of head hair as progress. Who knows, maybe he’s been waxing his arms, in the misguided belief that the Japanese will find his less off-putting if he isn’t in his usual bear-like state!

Panels from Hi and Lois, 6/26/16

Haha, nice try getting teens to like your strip with relatable email jokes, Hi and Lois! No teen alive would be this excited about getting an email. They’d recoil in horror and confusion, as if you tried to hand them a telegram. No, kids today want to get, uh, Snapchats, or … maybe YikYaks? Is that a thing? YikYaks? Look, I may not know what teens like, but I know what they don’t like, and what they don’t like is email.