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Hi and Lois, 7/29/06

See, right-wing naysayers: the debate over same-sex marriage has actually strengthened traditional marriage … or at least has provided fodder for “traditional” (i.e., boring, not-funny, 1950s-sitcom-style) jokes about marriage. This one in isn’t as horrifying the Beetle Bailey a few years ago when Mrs. Halftrack announced that she was in favor of same-sex marriage and the General, leering, told her that he was in favor of some-sex marriage. Note to the Walker-Browne axis: we don’t really want to hear your opinions on current politics, and we definitely don’t want to know about your characters’ sex lives.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/29/06

The Closeted Doctor Wacky Blackmail Adventure continues unabated. For those of you not following along at home, I forgot to point out in my last update on this strip that “Troy Gainer”‘s real name has been revealed to be the only slightly less porn-star-ish “Adam Long.” Today, we learn that, despite his earlier reluctance to get involved in this situation, Rex has some pretty clear and specific ideas on the best locations for doing a prisoner/ransom money exchange.

Mary Worth, 7/29/06

And by “compassion,” Mary of course means “pity.”

And by “rose,” Aldo of course means “dead object of my stalking affections.”

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Momma, 6/13/06

I think if Samuel Beckett were to write a comic about the meaningless empty void at the heart of a lonely, embittered old woman, it would look something like this. He’d leave out the reaction shot in the third panel, though; Momma’s depressing hobbies speak for themselves.

Dennis the Menace, 6/13/06

While appreciate the fact that Dennis is annoying Mr. Wilson with some 50 Cent or Korn or whatever the hell it is kids listen to today to annoy old people, and the fact that Joey is continuing to wear that incomprehensible pink belly shirt, I have to say that after some exhaustive research I’ve come to the conclusion that this panel contains no jokes of any kind. Ignoring for the moment the fact that nobody actually calls it “kids’ music”, the sentence is set up so that it seems like “drives grownups crazy” is supposed to be some play on words, despite the fact that it so clearly is not. Instead, Dennis is just saying “We like music that they don’t!” Mr. Wilson should punch him.

Mary Worth, 6/13/06

“I have to hand it to you Kelly! Living with a knife-wielding stab-frenzied maniac like me! I know it isn’t easy!”

Seriously, I hate to call for a savage knife attack, but it’s the only thing that would liven this up. She’s got one too — maybe they can manage to kill each other off, Hamlet-style.

Hi and Lois, 6/13/06

Note to Hi and Lois: if you draw your punchline and then have to have a character explain it, it’s probably time for a rethink.

In Finger Quotin’ Margo news, it looks like even Hollywood superstars are trying to get in on the action. Check out the video below; around the thirty second mark, you’ll see Britney Spears perpetrate the most misguided finger quotes in the history of television journalism.

(This is the first time I’ve tried to put one of these YouTube thingies on my site, so let me know if it causes something to go horribly wrong.)

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Hi and Lois, 2/10/06

Sally Forth, 2/10/06

B.C., 2/10/06

A recent study has shown that many online arguments start because it’s difficult to convey one’s tone through text alone. Thus, we must pity the poor cartoon character, trapped in a world where all conversation is conducted via written letters floating just above hair level in word balloons. How are they to detect that most important arrow in any post-modern humorist’s quiver, sarcasm? Maybe Chip isn’t being fresh; maybe he has some sort of horrible disease that’s throwing his body temperature out of whack. When Hi is weeping bitterly over his son’s early grave, he’ll no doubt be begging a cruel God to let him go back in time and never spout this little quip.

The Forths over in Sally Forth at least have been given a vital clue for text based communications — the quotation mark, which as we know often indicates sarcasm (especially when it takes the form of “air quotes”). Still, Ted doesn’t pick up on it, proving his dorktacular cluelessosity (as if his peach-colored golf shirt weren’t clue enough).

Finally, if you need someone to take things too far into total incomprehensible insanity, well, you can always count on B.C. How many Nurenberg-level Crimes Against Punctuation are perpetrated in this strip? Panel two at least deploys the correct method of nesting punctuation marks (double on the outside, single on the inside), while panel one uses British-style single quotes for no good reason. Putting that aside, though: are the quotes around “gag rule” meant to “clue us in” that they’re going to be “key” to the upcoming “punchline?” Do we need quotes around “hurling” because otherwise we won’t get that it’s a synonym for “vomiting”? Does “voted-in” need quote marks at all, or for that matter a “hyphen”? These questions will never be answered, but it’s “important” that they be asked.